Yes, a Good Friend Can Say No
In honor of my BFF Jenni’s 29th (okay, 34th) birthday, I’m adding a part II to my “I Believe in Oprah and Stedman” post from December, 2010. In that post I wondered why people doubt Oprah can have a man in her life (Stedman) while also having an intensely close relationship with her best friend, Gayle.
Before I move on to the element of the Oprah/Gayle friendship I want to dissect in this post, I thought readers might find the following information amusing: For those of you without blogs, bloggers can see what brings traffic to their pages. Don’t worry, we can’t see WHO typed the search terms into Google, but we can see which words or sentences brought someone to us. Some of the Google search terms that lead readers to my blog reflect people’s’ doubts that Oprah and Gayle are “just friends.”
The most-common search terms people used before finding my original Oprah/Gayle post:
- “Oprah and Gayle’s pinky ring” (This one shows up once a week.)
- “Are Oprah and Gayle secret lovers?”
- “Stedman’s real girlfriend”
- And the ever-perplexing, “Is Stedman Graham Jewish?” (I’m going with no, folks.)
Amusing, right? But today I’m not discussing my undying belief in Stedman. I’m more interested in the dynamics of Oprah and Gayle’s friendship, specifically, what I believe makes it irreplaceable and why I’m so grateful for the same quality with Jenni.
Gayle tells Oprah the truth.
Gayle is not Oprah’s yes-girl, which I’m basing on the Oprah Behind the Scenes series that aired over the summer on the OWN channel as well as countless times Oprah and Gayle were on camera together during Oprah’s former (sniff-sniff) talk show.
Jenni is the first to tell me when I’m being ridiculous, and I do the same for her. The most recent example: Like some kind of possessed nutcase I’ve spent an unseemly amount of time in and out of places like T.J. Maxx looking for “stuff” for my two-year-old’s new “big girl” room. At first, like any dutiful friend, Jenni entertained my endless musings about custom bulletin boards, paint colors, and some hysteria about non-matching whites when the bed and dresser arrived. Then the other day when her phone call found me roaming the aisles of Jo-Ann Fabrics despite my complete lack of craft ability, Jenni said exactly what I needed to hear, “When are you going to write? It’s enough already.”
She knows what my real goals are and helps keep me on track instead of helping me self-sabotage. I obviously have examples far more personal and serious from both of our lives, but I won’t share them here. Trust me when I say that we always tell each other the hard stuff. We say when the other is being unreasonable, over-sensitive, and so on. Of course we know when it’s a time to just let the other vent, but we’re also not afraid to say, “Nope, you’re wrong.”
Appreciating the Friends Who Say No
What’s my point? When reflecting on our friendships, we might not always think to value the “no” people in our lives. The “yes” people may seem like the most unconditional, supportive, and desirable friends, but I think those friends are much easier to find. The ones who tell us what we really need to hear help us “live our best lives” (as Mama Oprah would say).
So to my Jenni/Gayle: Wishing you another happy, healthy year. Sorry I’m Oprah again. It is my blog.
And to my other “No” friends . . . you know who are. I’m so grateful for your friendship, and for all the times you’ve told me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear.
(Photo credit: Horia Varlan via Flickr)
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34 Responses
I had the pleasure of meeting Stedman when I was the communications director for a college in Pennsylvania; he was our commencement speaker and also humored me by holding a press conference with our local media. And – let’s just say – behind the scenes, the ladies were calling him STUDman. What a wonderful, successful, intelligent man.
But back to the real point of your post: “no” friends are hard to find, but are so, so important. I’m with you. The buddies who can set us straight and tell us the true, sometimes tough, facts are the best. Glad you have your own “Gayle.”
Seriously jealous you met Stedman. I’m fascinated with anything Oprah related! (clearly)
I agree with Melissa, good “no” friends are hard to find, I’d say next to impossible at times! (So you are incredibly lucky, Nina, to have your Gayle!) But the real reason I’m commenting “under” Melissa’s comment is to say that I, too, am seriously jealous she met Stedman! 🙂
STUDman! I love it!
You are so lucky to have this kind of friendship in your life. It’s as rare and wonderful as finding a husband. There have been times in my life when I had this kind of bond with a female friend, but they faded with distance and changes in our lives. But I will always cherish those friendships. More than the love affairs, I think.
This is GREAT, Nina. Especially because I could use a little “NO” in my life.
Most of the time, I’m the “yes” friend. I try to rationalize bad behavior or put a positive spin on a negative situation…
For better or worse.
Fortunately, my friends know this. So they come to me when they WANT someone to offer a different perspective or to try to make them feel better about something that’s been eating away at them – I’m their little miss sunshine.
I can’t bear to hurt people’s feelings; and although on the surface this sounds nice, it isn’t always helpful to my friends. If you, for instance, told me you planned to name your daughter Mergatroid, I probably wouldn’t tell you it’s crazy.
I’d say, “Well, she’ll be the only Mergatroid in her kindergarten class, now. Won’t she?”
I know. Lame. But it’s who I am. So I can absolutely see why Oprah needs a Gayle. We need people who complement us (and compliment, I suppose); someone who balances out our one-sidedness.
Thankfully, I have several friends willing to call me out on my crap. And I love them for it.
And when they need to feel boosted up, they call me.
It’s a win, win.
And that’s what I’m all about.
Julie–I’m plenty of people’s “yes” friend too! And even Jenni’s when it’s the right time for that. I think we all play different roles at different times. By the way, impressive use of complement AND compliment. 😉
To my Oprah….
Even though I could listen to you wax poetically about a bullentin board all day (and let you post an open ended question about said bullentin board on facebook), I needed to put an end to it asap. You are the best best friend a girlfriend could have- and I assume my pinky ring is in the mail?
I’ll have you know that open-ended Facebook question led to the answer to my bulletin board crisis. I’d do it again!
As always Nina, I enjoyed this post. Since I don’t think I should go back “too” far with BFF’s and their amazing influence in my life, I’d like to give you the most recent and important example. Four years ago, I dusted off my old journals, took all my courage and joined a writer’s group. For the first year I got rave reviews and not that I wasn’t grateful to get them, something made me feel ill at ease. It was as though I had shown a funny finger painting to my mother and she loved it. I knew it was aweful, but hey, she was my mom. Time passed and one morning a newspaper article about our group pub in the Sun Sentinel brought in two new women. One a retired college professor, the other one still teaching. The “amerita” prof. was published in her field of education and wanted to explore fiction. The second one just wanted to explore and hear new voices.
That second one has become my best reader and great friend. She stood by me this past winter when I needed surgery, meets me daily for my water exercises and she never, never tells me something I wrote is good … unless it is. I love her candid humor and her kindness, but more than anything … I love her honesty. She is my Gail or Jen and I am grateful to know her. Cherish your BFF who can say “no” … she is a great gift 🙂
Great story! And yes, to find a really honest critique partner is just as difficult and SO important.
Nina, I loved this post (honestly…great content, format etc) and I also felt very envious of your (and Oprah’s) ‘no’ friend. I don’t have anyone like this in my life and I so wish I did. Someone saying, oh, that’s lovely’ when their face is telling a different story, hurts me more that someone saying it is terrible or telling me I am wrong. To have this constant support must be amazing. I can TOTALLY understand the need for a ‘no’ friend who is closer than close to you in ADDITION to a husband or partner. I think it best to have more than one very close friend in your life (meaning partner AND friend) as the pressure of support is then shared and balanced. The people who think that Oprah may be in a sexual relationship most probably do not have a friend like that or understand how they can be close to another via heart and mind alone. Love does not = sex. I wish there were a secret formula to finding a keeping a BFF! I congratulate you for finding yours.
I wonder if Jenni and I share a key ingredient with Gayle and Oprah—long distance. We talk several times a day, but ultimately we have separate friends, etc. Probably helps the longevity of the friendship!
oops, I meant to say ‘with Gayle’, after the ‘sexual relationship’ line. Should make better sense now.
Beautiful post. Really you’re not true friends unless you can be honest with each other and that includes (demands really) the hard No’s. I’m lucky to have a handful of friends who understand me enough to know when they need to placate me and when they need to slap me upside the head.
On the flip side I know some people who don’t understand that balance and therefore have no real friends because “you should always be honest” translates in to being brutally honest and downright mean in the name of honesty. That’s not a friendship either, that’s judgment. It’s hard to find the balance but when you do you build a lifelong relationship.
Such good points here. There is a huge difference between outright and constant judgment and helping a friend stay on track. And it’s also key to know when someone truly needs support and nothing else…not too much analysis or solution stuff….just venting.
Wonderful post…makes me truly appreciate my “No” BFF’s. I’ll have to remind them how important they are to me. Thanks for sharing because it gave me a different perspective on my “true” friends.
In my mind good friends are good because they help bring us back to earth and keep us centered. We all need at least one friend who is willing to say what they really think.
Those friends stand the test of time. You cannot have a very deep relationship with a yes-man (or yes-woman). One of my fave quotes is “The truth that is suppressed by friends is the readiest weapon of the enemy” (RL Stevenson).
Katharine, that is a great quote!
That’s a great quote! Thanks!
A great post that really makes me think. My closest friends, especially my husband, are ones that can hear anything I say and everything I leave out. Invaluable and rare. I’m lucky to have several, and to be married to the best of the best. Thanks for posting this.
I have no idea what is going on over there with Oprah – we don’t hear about it over here UK and I don’t watch tele so why would I be interested…. but you are just soooooo right, a friend who tells you it how it is is a friend indeed.
That is great that you have someone like Jenni in your life. A friend that truly cares about you will tell you the hard stuff. I have a friend from childhood who does that for me. I don’t talk to her as much as I would like but I always know that she is honest with me.
So glad you wrote about this topic. I am going to go look in the mirror right now and practice saying “no.” I say it to my children hourly but my friends? Maybe I haven’t been as good a friend as I thought. :/
Nina, I loved this post (honestly…great content, format etc) and I also felt very envious of your (and Oprah’s) ‘no’ friend. I don’t have anyone like this in my life and I so wish I did. Someone saying, oh, that’s lovely’ when their face is telling a different story, hurts me more that someone saying it is terrible or telling me I am wrong. To have this constant support must be amazing. I can TOTALLY understand the need for a ‘no’ friend who is closer than close to you in ADDITION to a husband or partner. I think it best to have more than one very close friend in your life (meaning partner AND friend) as the pressure of support is then shared and balanced. The people who think that Oprah may be in a sexual relationship most probably do not have a friend like that or understand how they can be close to another via heart and mind alone. Love does not = sex. I wish there were a secret formula to finding a keeping a BFF! I congratulate you for finding yours.
+1
Re: “The “yes” people may seem like the most unconditional, supportive, and desirable friends, but I think those friends are much easier to find.” How I wish that were true. Meeting people is easy; Finding friends, either the “yes” or “no” type is not. And how someone says what you need to hear is just as important as what they say.