As I explained a few weeks ago in the post “My Juvenile Eating Habits,” I’m committed to cleaning up my childish relationship with food and exercise. I’m on a roll so far, but now I’m nervous that I’ll eventually over-emphasize weight and body image issues in front of my kids—especially my daughters.
Is it possible to enforce healthy habits without my children hearing “you’re not perfect exactly as you are?”
ENTER KARA THOM, co-author of the inspiring book Hot (Sweaty) Mamas: Five Secrets to Life as a Fit Mom AND the first guest writer in my new “hobbies and habits” series.
The moment I wanted to discuss being a healthy role model for my family, I turned to Kara. I met Kara in Minneapolis at another author’s book signing when I was pregnant with my fourth child. When I learned Kara was not only a mom of four, but the author of three books, a seven-time marathon runner, a two-time Ironman participant, a successful freelance writer, and a blogger, I knew I had to introduce her to all of you.
Thanks for visiting the blog, Kara! (Kara’s giving away a signed copy of her book so make sure to stick around and leave a comment after her post.)
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Kara as a "Revlon Role Model" in People Magazine
When Laurie Kocanda and I set out to write what would become Hot (Sweaty) Mamas: Five Secrets to Life as a Fit Mom we were rookies. We had only two-thirds the children we do now, and those two-thirds were very young.
The genesis for the book came when we realized that staying active during pregnancy, while important for many health reasons, wasn’t all that complicated for moms-to-be. The baby in utero didn’t cry when walking through the doors of the gym, or pitch a fit in the middle of a walk or run. Mom didn’t need to find childcare to get in a workout.
What we really felt needed to be addressed was how to manage to get fit or maintain fitness after the baby was born. Oh sure, plenty was out there on how to lose the baby weight. But we were talking about the next 20 years or more. Plus, as far as we could tell, those books never addressed how to workout with a toddler clutched tightly around your thigh.
Even in the early years writing the book (yes, years–four to be exact–and two more children for us in the process) we concentrated on mommy. Because Laurie and I had been active before having kids, our place of reference for fitness was working out on our own, without kids in the picture. At first we tried mightily to hold on to that ideal.
We realized if we were to workout more than once a week, sometimes they would need to come along for the ride. Sometimes they would need to play alongside us as we worked up a sweat. Maybe not ideal, but we managed to piece together enough activity to stay fit, feel good and most importantly (not just according to us but most of the women we surveyed about why they workout), keep our sanity.
With five daughters between us (I would go on to have a son right before publication) we began to witness something interesting: creative play started to include workouts. Our girls would simulate races (for instance a triathlon might include running, biking and hoola hoop). There were yoga sessions taught by little yogis and little girls who started their own running clubs.
That’s when the last secret for our book was added: Act Like Others are Watching, Because They Are.
We realized that our fitness wasn’t confined to our own experience. By being fit we were raising our children to appreciate and value fitness, too. While once we might have been tugged a little too heavily with Mother Guilt when leaving our children to workout, now we understood that making fitness a priority wasn’t just sneaking away for “me time,” it was establishing fitness as a family value.
Let’s face it, adults have a hard time starting an exercise program. If our kids grow up active and continue living a fit life as an adult they never have to start. And, perhaps more importantly, they don’t have to start for the sole purpose of losing weight.
I’d be lying if I told you I don’t work out to maintain my weight. Of course I do. But that’s not the only reason. It’s not what I think about when I head outdoors for a run.
Recently I had a chance to interview Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If… Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies–Even When We Don’t Love Our Own. She said, and what I believe too, is: “…how we frame our words has a big impact on how we feel about our bodies–and how our daughters feel about theirs.”
Last summer I asked my daughters why they thought I exercised. My twins, now 8, and my younger daughter, 6, are Barbie-playing, Disney Channel watching, pop-culture consumers and have, sadly, been exposed to media’s unrealistic body-image standards. Do they believe I run, bike, swim, yoga, snowshoe, hike, climb, dance (tip of the iceberg, folks, I could go on) because I want to look good in those skinny jeans I finally allowed myself to buy?
Only one of my daughters gave it serious consideration. She paused. She thought. My heart was pounding in my chest. Her answer would provide evidence that our secrets to life as a fit mom held water, or would call me out as a hack.
“Because,” and then she looked up with that “duh mom” look on her face and said, “Because you think it’s fun.”
I smiled. I exhaled. She nailed it.
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Who else struggles to demonstrate healthy eating and exercise habits without stuffing the “diet culture” down our kids’ throats? Leave a comment this week for a signed copy of Kara and Laurie’s inspiring and motivating book! And . . . you know the drill: ***Tweet the link to this post or share it on Facebook for extra chances to win.***
Finally, congratulations to the randomly chosen winners of last week’s book giveaway! Michelle Gilats will receive a signed copy from Rachel. And due to overwhelming response (and because I’m so nice), I’m personally sending a brand new copy to a second winner, Jackie Cangro. Thanks for all the great discussion in the comments last week. Let’s do it again this week!
Love this post on one of my not so secret obsessions. For all the bajillion reasons I might be staying fit, the point I guess is that I’m still following them all these years later when my oldest child is 28 and my youngest 16. It’s for life!
That’s great you’ve stayed motivated through the years. I’m hoping for the same for me.
Also, completely off subject but wanted to mention how useful your tweets have been. Always great links!
I’ve been having some very frustrating problems with trying to leave comments at my fav blogs, and I just wanted to thank you, Nina, for letting me know the “good tweet news.” So very appreciated
Oh, I love this – and I’m so grateful to have found this book. I worry a lot about this. My 9 year old daughter is looking, and of late she’s making comments that alarm me – I know they are coming from school, not from me, because I am SO careful and hyper-aware of what I say about my body around her. I’d be very proud if that was her answer to why do I exercise! Nice work! You are an inspiration. xox
As an owner of a personal training business, I make it a point to include my children (boy age 3, girl age 6) in the workouts that I do at home. They stand there next to me lifting 1# dumbells, perform burpees, jumping jacks, theraband walkouts, and more, giggling the whole time. We always have a great time and I love that they not only enjoy it but see the importance of exercising. I never use the word DIET when talking about food with my children. We talk about healthy eating choices and the importance of balanced meals; how food is fuel for your body to give you energy to do all the fun things you like to do throughout the day. We sometimes struggle with our 3 year old’s picky eating–he will ask for something, take a bite, and then want something else. The other evening we were eating dinner and he asked for cottage cheese. I told him to finish his dinner first. His response? “But Mommy, it’s protein!! I need to eat protein too!!”
Such a sweet story, Laura. I have to tell you, I’ve been so impressed with your career change over the past few years and inspired by your passion for what you do. And you look INCREDIBLE!
I don’t have kids, but I’ll remember this if that ever changes. =) Good thoughts!
Wonderful post! There are so many important issues to address here. This is constantly on my mind as a mother of 2 little girls. I have terrible self esteem. I grew up overseas in a culture where if you weren’t anorexic you were fat (no really, it’s worse than America, I was 5’7” 120lbs and I was fat! FAT!!). I’ve never been able to fully shake that insecurity and even though logically I know it’s ridiculous there’s still an emotional part of me that clings to it – because let’s be honest 10 years and 2 kids later I maybe 5’7” but I certainly am not 120lbs.
I wrote a blog post last year called How I Broke My Daughter because I was concerned about how my 4 year old perceived my use of makeup. It was a bit of an overreaction to her innocent 4 year old ramblings but it was a wakeup call. I’ve always been super aware of how I talk to them as far as weight goes – I exercise because it makes me healthy and it’s fun, the F word (fat) is banned around my children, and we don’t each junk food because we want to grow up to be strong and smart. But it was a real wakeup call that insecurities can stem from more than just weight issues. It’s a constant struggle that I know if just going to get worse as they get older.
Another struggle is taking time away from them to exercise. My 3 year old has started crying every time I walk out the door either for work or yoga or my book club. It’s hard not to feel guilty. It’s just as hard to exercise at home. I had been doing a workout video until I clonked said 3 year old in the face with a hand weight because I didn’t know she was standing behind me.
For now it’s fun to watch my 3 year old “circercise” to her Wiggles DVD and listen to my 4 year old insist that Santa be left veggies and hummus because he eats too many cookies. I’m excited to read both Kara and Dara’s books and get new ideas and encouragement.
Okay: 5’7/120 is like a super model as far as I’m concerned. How awful that you were ever made to feel otherwise. It’s so hard to get rid of those voices which is of course why we as moms put so much pressure on ourselves NOT to send those messages. At the same time, we are not the only ones influencing our kids and that will only be more true in time. I’m sort of terrified of their teenage years.
As for finding time, etc: Kara and Laurie do a great job discussing that and all the guilt stuff.
Of course, I’m thinking of everything else I could have added in my already too-long post. But one other point I make about exercising is that I want to be a strong mom. This is something they can appreciate because they still want me to carry them!
What a great guest and great post! I have a four year old daughter and I have struggled with this since she was born. I laughed heartily at the part where you talked about working out with a toddler clutching your leg. Been there, done that! Some really thought-provoking stuff here, especially about what kind of impressions we give our daughters about exercise. Thanks for this! Can’t wait to read the book.
I am hyper-sensitive to this issue as well, as I so vividly remember my grandmother commenting to my parents about my weight when I was in junior high. It’s not about weight, it’s about health (and granted I did need to be more active as a kid, but that’s the point!). I cringe when people (older generations mostly) say things to my 6 year old about not eating certain things or too much b/c it will make her fat. I think it’s well meaning, but the message comes off all wrong. It should be about what is healthy, and luckily, so far, my girls seem to be getting the message. I just hope it continues! I too try to show my kids that exercise is a fun part of a healthy life, and I love when they (girls- ages 2 and 6) pull out the yoga mats and have their own “class” (albeit brief!). It is always a struggle to fit in exercise with kids, so I would love to hear Kara’s ideas. My 2-year old and I had a pretty fun dance party on Sunday, so that helps!
I have the same problem with family members saying the f word and making comments about weight to my girls. I wish I had the courage and grace to tell them to please stop.
Ugh, been there. My grandmother used to make comments too. And I’ll never forget when my pediatrician made me do sit ups during a check up and told me “it only gets harder to have a flat stomach.” I think I was ten.
I want to throw my hat into the ring here and say that it’s my son who struggles with his weight at the Gardner house; the one about whom I worry.
I know. It’s not typical. And I have to say (although it’s hard to admit) that based on society’s treatment of the overweight, I’m glad it’s my son and not my daughter who faces this issue because he has a better shot at maintaining decent self-esteem in this world if he gets heavy. (What does that say about me? Society? I don’t know. But it’s the truth.)
We have tried for a decade (he is 14) to feed him good food and keep him active, to monitor his gaining – but this was based on the pediatrician’s concern about his BMI and the disparity between his height and weight percentiles, not our own neurosis.
Still, people often assume his fitness/weight is OUR obsession, rather than something we deal with because of consistent medical advice. My husband and I are decently fit, so we hear comments like, “Where did HE come from?” and “He’ll shoot up one of these days and loose the baby fat.” Then they’ll offer him a sixth slice of pizza. “He’s a growing boy! Get over it!” I doubt they would do this if he were a girl.
So. This is our challenge and it is a DAILY challenge. And I know in the grand scheme of things it’s not the worst thing to deal with (after all, he is healthy…at least for now); but the obesity trend in this country is tough to ignore and the health issues that overweight adults face weighs on me (no pun intended) when I consider the odds that he’ll be heavy when he grows up, too.
Anyway. I just needed to share. Because it’s not just the girls, although our focus on my son’s weight probably does have an impact on our daughter, but in different ways than if I were the one “dieting” (a word we never use, by the way). In our house, “diet” just means the balanced portions of food one eats in the day. Nothing more.
So thanks for the great post, the wonderful book and for caring.
Here’s to helping all of our children lead healthy, active, happy lives.
Julie, you brought up a ton of good points here. And you’re totally right re: “I doubt they would do this if he were a girl.”
What you’re dealing with is exactly the balance issue that concerns me. My kids are constantly focused on getting “treats.” I limit the treats and talk about health, but the truth is, I am worried that if I let them have bad habits now it will make it harder for them when they’re older. At the same time, I worry about being too controlling and creating future closet eaters.
Great article, Nina (and congrats on keeping up with your fitness). Wonderful to meet Kara. I wanted to echo Julie’s point above about boys. I have an 11-year-old nephew in the same boat, and I see that he’s already developed what I believe to be an eating disorder (obsessions with food, food to control boredom, food to control depression — yes, he’s bullied, too). While I do think girls have to live to a higher standard in our society when it comes to weight, I do worry what kind of an adult my nephew is going to grow up to be. He likely will be one with diabetes and a slew of other health issues, sadly. His parents were not fitness role models and I have to wonder, as Kara points out, if things would have been different for him if he had been introduced to healthy lifestyle choices from the start.
I’m excited for you fitness goals and I love articles on mothers being healthy. Like it or not, we are our daughters first examples. I love to run and play soccer. I do it because it’s fun. The huge side benefit is I feel great, stay fit, and my daughters see their mother on the soccer field or finishing a race. I don’t really need to push them into doing it; it’s just something our family does. Another thing I’ve learned: the first thing out of your mouth to a young girl should never be: “You are so pretty.” Focus on qualities such as compassion, kindness, strength, happiness, integrity. Put the things that matter, first.
Yes!! I completely agree with this: “Focus on qualities such as compassion, kindness, strength, happiness, integrity. Put the things that matter, first.”
This is a great article and I now have both books on my “to-read” list. As a mom of a 2 year old daughter and due with a new baby next month, I feel the pressure to come out of this latest pregnancy with health and fitness goals not only for my own health, but because my 2 year old will certainly be witness to my postpartum health journey as well. Luckily, my husband and I both like to keep fit and eat a balanced diet, so it is not too much of a stretch for us – but I will look to these books for advice on how to incorporate the kids into our workouts to make sure that they receive the positive message we want to model.
Oh! I hope everything goes smoothly with the baby. I think going from zero kids to one is a MUCH bigger transition than one to two (if that helps ease anxiety!) As for post-baby weight: I love that first month when the weight flies off. My baby is 9 weeks now and those days are gone.
Like Julie Gardner (above), we have a son. Unlike Julie, our son is the other direction. He’s positively skeletal, and he’s been getting some flack for it in school. Now that he is just discovering girls, it is starting to bum him out.
I don’t understand why we have such narrow classifications for healt and beauty in our culture. My dude is in tip-top shape. He’s coordinated. He is a competitive fencer. But still, he feels alone in his skin.
Truth be told, sometimes I think it was easier when our parents parented and there was one expert voice. You could take it or leave it. It is actually age appropriate for teens to compare and contrast. Very few feel good enough, pretty enough in middle school – even if they did in elementary school.
These are the pains of the middle years.
I’m glad you are active with your children, but I don’t think you can make a bookish kid want to play soccer – and the pressure for everyone to be the same body type is unrealistic. This from a 119 pound mom. I guess he got my genes, huh?
I agree wit this: “I think it was easier when our parents parented and there was one expert voice. You could take it or leave it.”
There is a lot of pressure on parents now to do everything “right.” For me that’s where this post came from (I think).
So sorry your little guy is dealing with that. Mine is tall and skinny too, but he’s only in first grade so for now he hasn’t noticed.
Nina, out all day and just sat down to catch up on my daily fix of blog posts. Naturally, this one hit me because I am at the “other” end of all of this. At one point in my life I taught Hatha Yoga, biked fifteen to twenty miles per day, five days per week forsix months of the year and simulated the same on a stationery bike the rest of the year. I put on loud rock music, on a head set or on blaring speakers and biked. The first advantage of biking outdoors were the vistas of the bike path alone Shore Parkway in Brooklyn, then later on Riverside Drive in Manhattan. I missed being outside so much in the winter, I used to pull up the shade (drove my poor neighbors nuts) … opened the window so it would be real cold and biked in front of the stereo. My kids grew up with that and with a mother who basically ate like a truck driver after a long haul. THEN … they grew up and mom slowed down … hormones faded … metabolism slowed and fifteen years of sporadic spurts of well-meaning programs, inside and outside weren’t working.
I had six pack abs after two kids, but after two grandchildren (my first two are boy/girl twins) my daughter in law had less belly fat. I was a mess. Why? Exactly for the reason little Miss Barbie gave Kara … working the body is not only good for us … it’s a great high. I missed the fun and the exhiliration. I was convinced the long lethargic time had not only killed my metabolism, I was also convinced it had killed that fun part of me. Then my son told me something I remind myself of every day: “Don’t worry Mom, the body remembers.”
Enter the adult, year-round-heated pool and a great friend.
It is true that you also stay fit and yes, you keep the weight down … but since this is a hobbies and habits posts … the best you get from it is fun, mind bending, exhilirating fun.
For you and Kara as mothers wanting to set a good example … Although Mom fell off the wagon for a time … both of my kids work out, run, swim and do martial arts and Yoga. My son married a chef and my daughter’s a great cook and my grandchildren are all into martial arts, swimming and sports. It matters to your kids and your grandkids.
Loved hearing about this part of your life! This reminds me of why I don’t always blog about writing—I get to know my readers better too! Didn’t know about the twins either.
Related note: I think all the sitting we do as writers makes it especially important to exercise and get the heart going.
What a great surprise! I already follow Kara’s blog so it is so great to see that you were able to connect in person.
I grew up in a non-exercising junk-eating family. I had horrible self-esteem as I carried a little extra junk in the trunk. Thank God I was involved in sports for most of my school years otherwise I would have had bigger problems.
I would have given anything to have parents that valued their health and led a fit life for the fun of it. I fight against the way I was raised every day and I’m determined to give my kids a strong role model for living a healthy life.
Nina, there is nothing wrong with striving for a fit body. I explain to my kids that the better we take care of our bodies, the better we will feel, the better we will perform at school/activities, and the longer we will live. It is also a great to way to show kids how to set a goal, taking steps to achieve it, and then reaching it!
I have faith in you, Nina, that you can do it and that your girls will be very proud to see their mommy working her tail off.
And Kara, I can’t wait to read this book!
XO
Such an important topic! I’ve worked as a nutritionist for years and know one thing for certain: force feeding health food works against all of us. Thanks for introducing us to Laurie, Nina! Thrilled to have found your blog.
I have followed Kara’s blog for some time. She was an inspiration to me to help me lose the baby weight after baby #2. It was so difficult, and I had so much mommy-guilt, but feeling better physically by not carrying around 20 extra pounds made such a difference! Now that I recently had my third child, I have adapted my exercise routine to include them. While baby sleeps, I do weight training and metabolic workouts in our garage or driveway. The kids get half of the driveway to play or part of the garage to play in while I workout for 30 minutes or so. After my workout, they do their versions of the workout–tiny weights, shorter sprints, etc. The first few times were very frustrating, but they have gotten a hang of the routine now. If only the baby would get a hang of it and take a longer nap during those times!
My daughter is only two, but as I struggle to reclaim the healthy habits I had before she was born, I’m already worrying about this. I need to drop some pounds, but I don’t want her thinking that food is bad. It’s a dilemma.
Kara walks the talk and she is an absolute joy to exercise with. Love her book and her energetic flair for life. Looking forward to dusting my snowshoes off for her next visit to Wisconsin and Workout Partner Pam’s house.
Oh cool! Love that you two are real life friends. I for sure learned about Kara through your tweets many moons ago.
I have two daughters, ages 5 and 7, and I’ve struggled with this issue. I do worry about my weight, especially since I turned 40 and my metabolism downshifted. I exercise almost daily and, for awhile, I was just going through the motions, almost like a drill. Not fun. Since the new year, I’ve switched things up. Now we have a lot of dance parties! They love that, and so do I. I hope I’m doing a better job of showing them how to be healthy, strong and happy.
I think about the messages my kids recieve about fitness a lot. I definitely did not grow-up with the healthiest notions about diet and exercise. Way too much focus on being skinny, losing weight, looking better etc. A dear friend – one who’s incredible self-image, self-esteem and confidence I so admired – had a tremendous positive influence on me in my early 20s. She showed me that running and exercise FELT good, and that food should be enjoyed, not looked at like a math problem (counting calories & grams of fat). I’m definitely much healthier – physically and emotionally – from having had that influence in my life.
As a mom of two daughters I hope that the messages I convey and examples I set communicate the same healthy habits and attitudes.
Thanks for bringing up this discussion topic Nina. It’s an important one!
This is such a difficult and delicate topic — yet so critical. I have to say as a mom of two college student age “kids,” there’s been no easy answer. I’ve seen kids with active parents who end up overweight; I’ve seen kids with inactive parents be incredibly fit; I’ve seen girls and boys with eating issues who were brought up with only the healthiest eating habits — and honestly everything inbetween and at different times! What’s really scary as a mom is that our influence is so much less than we’d like to think — there’s so much peer pressure and social and media pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way. And kids can be so so cruel to one another; there’s often such a narrow definition of what’s acceptable let alone cool. Honestly, it’s been one of the most baffling and difficult things as a parent — why it took me so long to comment on this post — and I’m afraid to say I’ve not found any easy answers. For me as my kids got older, the answer to this has been the same as everything else: to be available, to listen, and to offer help if it’s wanted/needed.
I’ve been active all my life, and I am terrified that once Baby Girl is born in five weeks that I will not be able to maintain the same level of fitness that I so enjoy now. Thankfully, though, my husband purchased an elliptical as my Christmas gift so that even if the weather is nasty and I can’t take an infant outside, I can still get some endorphins pumping! Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement, Kara and Nina; it’s so nice to hear that just because our lives change, that doesn’t mean our activity level has to as well!
This is just brilliant! I have been struggling (REALLY struggling) to find time to exercise. Last year, I signed up for a 5K at Walt Disney World. I asked my husband if he’d wait for me along the course with the kids, so they could see their mommy accomplish something. He said no – that they would do it with me (my husband is NOT a fan of exercise). We all signed up for the Family Stroller Division and my husband & I took turns pushing the double stroller along the course. We ALL had fun, despite the obscenely-early wake-up call. I was worried my husband would hate it and drop out early, but instead he said, “This is fun. We can do it again next year.” And we are.
I want to read Kara’s book to see what other great ideas she has!
Nina, I found your blog after reading your story, “The Pleasure of Your Company” in Independent Ink Magazine. Just wanted you to know I really enjoyed it. It kept me guessing until the end.
That means so much to me. Thank you so much!
Great post. I’m trying to get back into an exercise routine and it’s hard with two children. Often I put them in the stroller and go for a power walk – they enjoy the ride and I enjoy the exercise (especially if we’re heading to the beach). I actually learned good exercise habits from my mom; she exercised every day, whether it was walking, biking, running, or skiing (in the winter). She’d get me (and sometimes my friends) up at 5 am to hit the pool at 5:30 and have a swim before breakfast. It was so easy to exercise then! Now, when I’m the one dragging myself out of bed at 7 am, it’s harder to find motivation… but this week, I did it twice and felt so good after my swim. I like your ideas of my daughters watching me exercise and developing good habits too. The January issue of Today’s Parent magazine has some suggestions for getting your family active.
I’ve switched to morning workouts. VERY hard to get in that habit.