THE CODE BETWEEN CHILDHOOD FRIENDS
Note that by childhood, I mean a young age all the way through high school, really even college. AND, in my case specifically, I would add long-distance to the mix since I don’t live in the city where I was raised.
- We will email, text, and use Facebook when we have to, but these methods of communication will never compare to hearing each other’s voices and having a conversation face-to-face.
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Even if those face-to-face conversations happen once every five years or less, they will be so fulfilling and genuine that it will seem as if no time has passed. We will easily pick up where we left off because our friendship is in a category all its own. We’ve never seen each other’s living rooms and kitchens, but we’ve seen each other with acne, broken hearts, and often worse. We’ve talked long into the night during such formative years that certain songs from the 80s and early 90s and movies and shows and even certain words flood us with memories of each other.
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Any small talk pertaining to each other’s family members is so much more than the unfairly named (in this case) small talk . “How is your dad?” “How is your sister?” These questions mean something and their answers will mean even more because we know each other’s family members from so many angles.
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We will, over the course of our lives, help each other preserve those flashes of memory from childhood like the lecture about focusing on more than a guy’s looks that we got in high school from the mom who reminded us that looks fade. Or the pre-college pep talk we got from my dad who had us all in tears days before we all left for college. I remember another mom of our crew always calling us nice girls. “You are nice girls,” she’d insist. And she was right, we were (mostly) nice. Sometimes I suspect we made sure we were nice so she would approve. Every one of us cared about her opinion. We cared about all the parents’ opinions. I can’t tell if as a group we were uniquely invested in each other’s families, or if this is just the way of childhood friends. Either way, I’m grateful to have known you as full people with parents, siblings, grandparents, and cousins and to have practically lived at your houses and even in your cars. I’m grateful to have seen your roots and for you to have seen mine.
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We will not remind each other (aloud) about stupid mistakes we made back in the day like boyfriends we fought over or the times in our lives when we let our friendship fade too much. None of that matters. You are here now. I am here now. We will always be there for each other in the important times. And if we can’t be there, we will understand that, too. We will get that there is a current life with responsibilities and struggles and even joys that neither of us is a part of for the other because of distance, time, and reality. We will not hold this against each other or pretend that pictures on Facebook changes that fact. We will just get it. Our friendship will exist in that rare time and space protected by the drama of hurt feelings. We’ve been through enough middle school and teenage angst together that our taste for it as adults has long since passed (at least with each other).
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We will love each other unconditionally because our memories are too precious to let conditions get in the way.
This post was inspired by the friends who came to my grandmother’s funeral or shiva in Chicago last week and the ones who would have been there if they could. Love you guys.
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80 Responses
Nina, I love this. It reminds me of when I described my old friends recently as the people who know what I called my grandparents. There’s something eternal and powerful (eternally powerful, too) about those friends we knew when we were becoming who we are, don’t you think? xoxo
Yes! I’ve loved your posts through the years about friendship as well. I know it’s a topic we both love to analyze and both free grateful for as well.
Even though I may not talk with my childhood friends often, they are still the ones who know me best – as we were all so vulnerable together. Love this, Nina.
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..The Guinea Pig
The vulnerable part is so true. And just think, we didn’t even use that word back then. It’s so hot now. 😉
Yes, to everything! I particularly like #5.
I would also add shorthand- my friends can say one word or reference a story/place and I immediately know what they mean. They know my codewords and I know theirs.
Such a good call on the short hand!
Ahhh, this made me want to call my BFF.
I will say though, we did recently hash through our big fight that we had in college (which was a huge misunderstanding) because she’s going through a period of introspection and self-examination and I am fully supportive of that sh*t.
=)
Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted..On Loving My ADHD Son
That IS supportive! I guess we have to help each other do those things too.
Nina- Thanks for putting into words the feelings that I have about my oldest, most treasured relationships!I especially love #2.
What a compliment, Meganne. Thank you!
So sorry for the loss of your Grandmother, Nina. I recently lost my mom, and I think the most important letters of condolence I’m getting are from my childhood friends who remember her kindness to them when they were little. This is a great list. Even though we all tend to scatter after high school, keeping up those friendships is all-important!
Anne R. Allen recently posted..Six Pieces of Bad Advice New Writers Need to Ignore
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom, Anne. It is so nice to hear other people’s good memories, which remind us even more of our own memories.
This captures so beautifully what I’ve been feeling about old friends: there’s nothing that can substitute history, nothing that can bond us quiet like the fact that we knew each other when we were still becoming the people we are today. Number 2, 3, and 4 especially struck a chord in me.
Natalia Sylvester recently posted..What It’s All About
Thanks so much, Natalia. I bet that your old friends are so thrilled to see your book coming out soon. They knew you when!
Great post! Definitely a topic that’s near and dear to me, since pretty much all of my closest friends live in different cities. (In different countries, even!) And I think it’s something that future generations are going to be dealing with more and more.
When I was in talks with St. Martin’s Press about turning my web serial Twenty-Somewhere into a novel, they wanted (among other things) all 3 main characters to be living in the same city, and that was the one thing I really couldn’t see changing, because it was so inherent to what the story was about for me. Modern friendship isn’t always walking down the street or meeting up for Sunday brunch — not anymore. Nowadays it’s Skype calls, and long email exchanges, and identifying with each other’s experiences even though our own are taking place hundreds of miles away. It’s different, but it’s still special, and as you’ve written about here, it’s still based on that same foundation of history, of shared memories, of love.
Kristan recently posted..Save yourself
What a great insight, Kristan, about the reality of less people living in the same town as their closest friends (and what an oversight by St. M).
Thanks so much for stopping by to share your thoughts. You definitely have a great point of view since you’ve thought and written so much about it. And great to see you here!
You captured something so true about old friendships. They are the ones who know me best. Our shared history brings so much complexity to our relationship. I don’t have that many friendships from childhoods with whom I keep in touch regularly, but the ones that I do — even though in some ways they are not my “best” friends — know so much about me from understanding my family, my childhood home, even my former pets. (I lived on a farm so animals were a huge part of our daily life.)
Jessica Smock recently posted..A Lady in France and the Magic of Memoir
Thanks so much, Jessica. And thx for sharing via Herstories!
I’ve had several friends come and go as an adult, but I still have the girlfriends I grew up with. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother.
Poppy recently posted..Falling Face First off the Weight Loss Wagon
Thanks so much, Poppy. I appreciate it!
I’m sorry for your loss, Nina. I’m glad your girlfriends were there to give you some comfort. I don’t have any friends from childhood who are still in my life, but I feel this way about my college friends. Girlfriends truly are blessings.
Dana recently posted..My outside hearts
Dana, as I was writing this post I had some things I wanted to say about my college friends who are so important to me in similar and different ways too. I think I”ll have to a separate post just about them!
Nina, this is so beautiful! I found myself nodding along and my eyes filling with tears. You really captured something here. I want to read this over and over and share with all my friends!
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. recently posted..Halfway Between 30 and 40
I really appreciate that you shared it on FB. It’s been fun watching the conversation between you and those friends unfold. Also, I’m 37 so need to read your latest post as I’m over the half way mark!
This made me tear up. Beautifully said, and I think universally true. I’m sorry about your grandmother, but I’m so glad you have friends like those who were there to support you.
Annie Neugebauer recently posted..My Short Takes Interview
Thanks so much, Annie!
#4 reminded me of something my friend’s mother said when we were in high school. She told us about a time she was our age and she passed on a trip to Europe because of “practical” reasons. She thought she’d just be able to go another time. Nearly 25 years later she’s never been. That story is sort of code for us, reminding us to not let good opportunities slip through our fingers. We were too young to understand then that sometimes they don’t come back around.
Lovely post, Nina. My condolences for your loss.
Jackie Cangro recently posted..The One with Space Mountain
Love that you remember that advice. Our friends AND their families were important so their words were too.
Yes, yes, all of this. The complexities of long friendships, the bonds, the “I understand, I just do”-ness – it’s precious and rare. You’re very blessed to have those friendships.
Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday #4: White
I agree that I am! Thanks so much for stopping by Alison.
I love this and totally get it. As you know, I feel the same way about my old friends, and sadly, was also inspired to write about it after the loss of a family member. I’m so sorry about your grandmother! I feel terrible, since I was bombarding you last week, as well. My deepest condolences.
Allie recently posted..SAG Awards Recap
Do not even think twice about that. I had an 7 hour drive (with me in the passenger seat) each way. It was not a problem at all!
I’m so sorry about your grandmother..
I get this so much. Especially the part about asking after family members and really, really meaning it.
Tamara recently posted..Wherever I May Roam.
Thanks so much, Tamara!
What a beautiful post! This really resonated for me. I live an ocean away from my childhood friends and when we see each other, it’s as if time took a brief pause. It’s wonderful how those friends are there for you in difficult moments, like your grandmother’s passing, and how well they understand you.
So sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing and reminding us all about the power and solace of our childhood ties.
Marialena recently posted..A comb, a knife, and a fistful of salt: the escape of Blancaflor
Thanks so much for your thoughts here, Marialena–about friendship and for me.
Nina, I’ve completely lost touch with my childhood friends, and reading this made me really wish that wasn’t the case. You’re so fortunate to have these women in your life – in whatever capacity – today. This is a lovely tribute to them.
Shana Norris recently posted..Learning to Like a Social Network (or Facebook vs. Twitter, the Finale)
Thanks, Shana, and I know it’s hard to lose touch. It’s the realistic case in many situations. I am definitely not in touch with everybody–even in the one-time-a-year or Facebook kind of way.
Oh Nina, I absolutely LOVE this! My childhood friends are so far away and I so agree that this is — definitely — the play book!
Galit Breen recently posted..The good stuff right here
Oooh! Play book would have been an even better title than “code.” May use that when I talk about college friends!
Dear Nina,
This is so awesome. I am e-mailing it to a close friend who I lost touch with until last year when we saw each other and it was like we had never been apart. Hugs, Brenda
brendamarroy recently posted..The Tiny Gifts that Matter
Thanks, Brenda. It’s the highest compliment to hear you want to share this with a friend. Thank you for letting me know!
I had dinner last night with 2 friends that I have known my entire life, and I know for sure that everything you write here is unbelievably true. There is nothing more powerful than the friends that we have known forever. The ones who hold all of our stories, past and present.
I love that expression “the ones who hold our stories.” That’s perfectly said.
lovely, nina. perfectly lovely. this sums it up and thanks for this!
Allison recently posted..I Speak Toddler
Thanks Allison!
So sweet. Love this.
Thanks Cari!
Nina,
There were four of us girls who became sister-friends in college. We kept in touch throughout the years– Christmas cards– enough to keep up with kids being born and new jobs and houses. Then one day, one of us was diagnosed with breast cancer. We made a commitment to get together every year. Why did we wait? The laughter and tears were as priceless in our mid-forties– more so– than when we were in college. Unfortunately, my friend didn’t survive her battle with cancer and didn’t live to see what would have been her 50th birthday this month. I’m so glad we took the time to rekindle our love and tenderness towards each other. There truly is nothing like a lifetime bond of friendship. Lovely, lovely post. Thank you.
I am so sorry for the loss of such a dear friend. What a lesson for the rest of us to take that time (as hard as it seems while planning) to get away and see those friends who mean to much to us. Thanks for sharing that here, Julie.
Sorry to hear about your loss, Nina.
What a beautiful tribute to the enduring love between childhood friends. Just lovely. (I especially like #5 – so true!)
Thanks so much, Cynthia.
So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. So wonderful that you have such lovely friends who could be there for you – some even in person – during this difficult time. xox
Thanks so much, Rebecca.
Great article with profound meaning. I am 50 years out of high school and my BFF lives 3000 miles away. Our lives could not have been more different. But the bond is irrevocable, omni-present, and we do thank technology for allowing us to connect so easily frequently. Decades pass in between visits. It is still like 1958-1964 for us. We both had other friends and relationships, but this one duo emerged as an enduring, loving, unconditional bond that has endured the test of time, and matured through lifes sad and happy times.
I loved hearing this story, Roberta. Thanks so much for sharing it here. I absolutely believe that a decade can pass without a visit, but you’re able to stay connected throughout because of that bond from history.
I wish I could relate, but unfortunately my closest friends today I’ve met “recently” during college. However I CAN still relate to all your points with said friends, especially how we can just pick up after months of no communication as if we had seen each other the day before!
Nina recently posted..Surprising Costs of Raising Twins
Nina, I think that the same rules apply for sure. At this point (15 years after graduated college) I feel the same way about college friends.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother, Nina; what a beautiful tribute to her and to enduring friendships everywhere!
Jolina Petersheim recently posted..Girl at the Mirror
Thank, Jolina.
Friendship is so intriguing and there is something very bonding about childhood friends – so much history together, growing up during your most formative years! Now, my closest friends are college and mommy play-date friends because we spend so much time together. Sometimes I wonder if we’d really be friends if it weren’t for our children!
Amy Mak recently posted..Roasted Squash and Black Bean Soup
Circumstance for sure counts for a lot. I wrote a long review two years ago about the book CLICK (about what makes people click.) Proximity was a huge one, which relates to life circumstance. You meet people with kids the same age, etc, see them in classes on a regular basis. It gives the friendship a much better chance than someone you can’t see as often. But what’s been cool for me about this childhood friendships is that the bond of a shared history trumps the proximity issue since I live out of town.
Thanks for chiming in here!
Really touching.
So sorry for your loss Nina, and so glad you have friends to support you.
Thanks so much, Michelle. Yes, I’m very lucky. I hope you’re doing well!
I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I can tell from what you wrote, those friends must have been a great comfort. I have lost all but a few childhood friends and I do regret that. Many of them have stayed in touch and when I’m around them, I realize how much I have missed.
Jean recently posted..Tradition Vs. The Bachelor
I have lost touch with many, too. You only need a few really special connections for all those memories to come flooding back.
Such wonderful reminders, and clearly you have great friends. I’m so sorry about the loss of your grandmother. Hugs.
Sarah {LeftBrainBuddha} recently posted..Women Who Run With the … Vacuum?
Too true, especially the part about no time passing. That is exactly the person I wrote about in the HerStories Project.
My condolences for your loss. xo
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow recently posted..His Perfect Mommy Is Just a Myth
I love when you talk about friendship, Nina. Because it’s not the walk in the park that it might seem, and yet we so often overlook it for the bigger ‘loves’ in our life. Sorry about your grandmother xox
Alarna Rose Gray recently posted..Different kind of Buzz
Thanks Alarna! There are so many angles from which to discuss these “loves” as you say. I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface.
Your Unspoken Code Between Childhood Friends was beautiful and touching. I am still in contact with a friend of 75 years,I am 76. I truly treasure my childhood friends, college friends and adult relationship friends.
Thanks so much for sharing that here! I love this comment.
Oh Nina, I’m so sorry about your grandmother, but I’m so glad you had the comfort of friends. I particularly loved your no. 3 … I had those same bonds with my friends’ parents and really DO want to know how mom and dad are. Thanks for sharing such a touching piece.
Melissa Crytzer Fry recently posted..Behind the Scenes
Thank you so much, Melissa. Glad you have these special friends too.
Love this, Nina! Especially #6!
Julie Burton recently posted..Preparing for A Trip of A Lifetime: Smile Network Mission to Peru Begins Tomorrow
Just so you know, I’m sending this to my best friend since middle school, Courtney.
And I never send links to my non-blogging friends.
That’s how much I love this.
I love hearing that! Was talking with some blogging buds recently about “blog readers” and “civilian readers.” Everyone appreciates the blog readers and covets the all-too-hard-to-grab “civilians.” So . . . that’s my long way of saying THANK YOU!
That piece about past mistakes and letting them go is so important.
Vikki recently posted..Icy Roads
What a beautiful and insightful post! This “civilian” was happy to have been directed to your blog! Thank you.