You guys, this is more than a book giveaway. Today’s post about debut author Julie Burton is about that rare new effortless friendship with so much great chemistry that when one of you says, “let’s have coffee,” you actually put a date on the calendar then you don’t stop scheduling regular coffee dates, walks, and work sessions for the next three years even though neither one of you has the time or need for a new close friend. See! I was even too busy to break up that run-on sentence.
And from a reading perspective have you ever finished a book and wished you were friends with the author? How lucky for me that after reading Julie’s book, The Self-Care Solution: A Modern Mother’s Must-Have Guide to Health and Well-Being, I was able to say, “Hey, this book is wise and wonderful and I get the author’s ear all week long!”
Let’s go back to the idea of new friends and skipping the acquaintance phase. I want to tell you about meeting Julie three years ago. For context, you need to know that I’ve been writing a friendship advice column since September of 2014 and for however many questions I’ve answered, I’ve received plenty more that were too repetitive to use. The theme of those repeat questions, including the one coming out next week that stood out enough to use, is what to do when you meet a great new person and want to take the acquaintanceship to the next level, but aren’t sure how to make that happen. My friendship story with Julie is special because we transcended those uncertain and awkward beginning moments despite being ten years apart, both feeling blessed with many close friends and even casual friends, both trying to build our careers, and both having four kids (and husbands!). We had instant chemistry, which allowed us to cut through all the regular early friendship red tape to become true confidants and even business partners last fall with our beloved Twin Cities Writing Studio.
If I could describe that chemistry Julie and I experienced, I would be able to give the advice seekers who write to my column better ideas about what to look for when deciding if a new friendship is worth pursuing. The closest thing I have to an answer was something I read in Click: The Forces Behind How We Engage with People, Work, and Everything We Do by Ori and Ram Brafman. The Brafman brothers found that although some of this plutonic “friendship love at first sight” stuff happens with a bit of unexplainable, or at least immeasurable magic, if you analyze the times you felt an instant connection it’s probable that one or more of what they call “the five accelerators” were at play. Those accelerators are: similarity, vulnerability, proximity, safe place, and resonance, which the Brafmans define as “the ability to stay present in the moment, be in tune with others, demonstrate empathy, elicit empathy from others, and generally be in the flow.”
That resonance and also vulnerability describes what I love so much about Julie Burton. And if you read her book, The Self-Care Solution, you will know exactly what I mean. Julie’s book, which is part memoir and part spot-on advice, should be the gift every new mom gets then the assignment for every experienced mom to reread a few years down the line or a few kids down the line. The book is about Julie’s extremely honest story of struggling to take care of herself during different points in her life, and it is filled with the tools she used to lift herself up. Her desire to help others comes through with her grounded, practical, and guiding, loving tone. I called Julie several times as I read the book just to say, “WOW.” I found the marriage chapter particularly compelling, which provoked some extra calls from me that week. What was so thought provoking about that chapter and the rest of the book? You have to read it to find out!
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23 Responses
Anything, and yes I’d love my name in the drawing, Nina! 🙂
p.s. thanks for offering us this drawing.
Dyane Harwood recently posted..I’ve Lost It!
I love this post and what you describe in terms of friendship chemistry. It’s the best. Can’t wait to read Julie’s book. xox
Nina, our friendship has been wonderful, rewarding, and fulfilling since day one and I could not be more grateful for you! Thank you for this beautiful post and for your kind and thoughtful words. Before I met you, I had been working on “a book” of some sort for nearly two decades. Within the three years that we have been friends, I actually FINISHED The Self-Care Solution and got it published…hmmm…this is not irony. This is about the resonance in our friendship and in you, which gave me just the right ratio of butt kicking to support. Thank you for being a huge part of my “relational self-care”! You are a true blessing :). xo
Thank you for this post and the opportunity to win a copy. Self-care is something I’ve been struggling with lately and this will definitely go on my to-read list.
What a lovely testament to friendship!
Such a sweet and lovely story about making space for new friends when sometimes it feels like it’s the last thing we need. I have been so privileged to have made some of my closest friends in this later, busier time of life. Those five accelerators are spot on. Thanks for the opportunity to win a copy of Julie’s book!
What an awesome giveaway! And an awesome friendship. Sometimes someone sneaks into our hearts in surprising ways, or at surprising times.
Cheers to you both! So happy that I can benefit from your Union. ☺️ I’m in the middle of Julie’s book now and feel like waving a flag for moms everywhere – I’ve caught myself putting others before myself so many times as I read, even the dog! I’m learning…
Nina, you and Julie are so fortunate to have this friendship. Your upcoming column is timely for me because while I do have a group of friends, I don’t know some of the women as well as I’d like to and I have no idea how to take the relationships to the next level! (Shy introvert problems…)
I’d love to read Julie’s book–I have a toddler and am expecting #2. I’m still in the tired and icky stage and need good self-care ideas.
So great that you connected so deeply with a new friend like that–I think it is an excellent reminder that we are never too old or with too many friends to add more, especially those with whom we just “click”. (no need to enter me into the contest)
Kristen recently posted..If You Ask Me . . . Pause
I love you and Julie. And I want in the drawing! xoxo
I ordered a copy of the book and can’t wait to read it! I love stories of friendship.
Great review Nina! I’ve read Julie’s book as you know, and I couldn’t agree with you more on how impactful it is. It’s been an honor getting to know both of you at the Twin Cities Writing Studio; your chemistry is magical and contagious. I’ll see you there again soon!
I always love to read your “friendship” posts. I love that you continue to write about this subject. Please enter me into the drawing for Julie’s book!
I’d love to win this! I love this post and I have my fingers crossed about a budding friendship with a new neighbor… I don’t want to jinx it so that’s all I’m going to say about that:)
I think that elusive chemistry is just as important to major friendships as it is to a romantic relationship, albeit the chemistry is on a personality level only. I have several friends I’ve just clicked with immediately, like you described, and others where that “something” is probably never going to click with us, even if we consider ourselves friends. I’d love to be entered in to the drawing!
Nina, You are so amazingly giving of yourself, and I don’t just mean by offering this terrific-looking book (yes, of course, I want to be entered to win a copy). But you are supportive and dedicated to building a community of women and of women writers. Keep inspiring us all!
It sounds really interesting! I always think your advice is so good, and if you think this book is good… I’m inclined to believe it must be!
Dakota recently posted..“Love Letter” to Port Townsend (Poem)
I just put Julie’s book in my Amazon cart in case I don’t win the giveaway! And I wish the commute to your writing studio wasn’t so far; I’d love to be a part of it.
I look forward to checking out Julie’s book. I love how your instant chemistry with her blossomed into friendship.
I would love to be entered into the drawing! I adore Julie’s writing and I have been eager to check out her book ever since I heard she was writing it. Either way, it’s a must read 🙂 Thanks for this lovely review of the book and some insight into your friendship with Julie.
Dana recently posted..Soaring into the Unknown
I don’t even care that I missed the drawing, I just loved this post. As a mom struggling so much to find that friendship that just clicks. This is a reminder that it happens, and that it is worth pursuing. Thank you!
Thank you! Just signed up for your newsletter by the way. Want to keep up with what you are doing next!