Friendship Despite Disagreements: Ask a Jew (or three)

Disagreements Between Friends

There is so much value to having friends with different points of view and backgrounds. I love witnessing a friendship between people whose differences should make their connection unlikely, but instead their ability to discuss their experiences leads to greater understanding and closeness. Challenge and disagreement can be an enriching aspect of a friendship rather than something to avoid at all costs. It’s not about convincing the next person; it’s about diversity of experience and opinion in your life.

My guests are the hosts of the Ask a Jew podcast and writers of a Substack newsletter by the same name.

Their bio for Ask a Jew is this: Yael Bar Tur, secular sinner, and Chaya Leah Sufrin, pious Haredi, ask each other the hard questions from Torah to Tinder. What a description!

I loved our conversation! We represented three very different Jewish backgrounds, discussed being active in the process of making friends and issuing invitations, thinking of others instead of over-protecting our boundaries at all times, showing up as your full self in a friendship, and disagreeing with friends without condescension or ruining the friendship. It was a great chat!

 

FIND EPISODE #48 ON APPLE PODCASTSSPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!  

 

Signup for my newsletter on friendship, books, TV, and more.

 


In this episode, we discussed:

  • How to have and maintain meaningful friendships, even when disagreements arise.
  • The benefit of friendships with people who hold different points of view.
  • The importance of understanding that no one person can meet all of your friendship needs.
  • The power of making an effort and taking initiative to cultivate friendships.
  • How Jewish women of completely different backgrounds and beliefs can be close friends.
  • The potential for close friendships with people you meet online!

 


More Highlights from my conversation with Chaya Leah and Yael:

  • For my non-Jewish listeners, I explain that Chaya Leah and Yael are from two different parts of the Jewish community. There can be division assumption an a real lack of curiosity about the other. I’d say Chaya Leah and Yael  break the mold, and I love that they don’t feel they have to tip toe around each other. I find their friendship so refreshing in a world where pure politeness and safe topics seem to reign supreme and friends will really only talk about things they agree on.
  • We each explained our Jewish backgrounds: Yael as a secular Israeli, Chaya Leah as an “ultra-Orthodox” Jew (a term most people in her community do not use), and I explain what I mean when I say I’m “Reformadox.” (A term I made up that nobody uses at all!)
  • Yael works in crisis communications in NYC and Chaya Leah, a Chabad Jewish educator, is the director of Hillel at Cal State. We didn’t get into the details of why Cal State doesn’t have a Chabad of their own, but I found it surprising.
  • We talked about the tendency these days to keep conversations safe and agreeable at all times and the challenge of feeling like you have to edit yourself constantly for fear of being misunderstood and labeled.
  • We talked about echo-chambers online and offline and how we self-select to make sure our views are never challenged.
  • We discussed not needing to like every single thing about a friend. You’re not marrying this person!
  • If things are getting too heated on a subject, change the subject! Move on! The commitment and love for the friend comes first.
  • Chaya Leah: “I think one of the problems that people have when it comes to friendship is that we are scared of being uncomfortable. And I think it’s OK to say, you know what, I’m not always 100% comfortable in a conversation.”
  • Yael: “There needs to be a foundation of trust, you need to know this person is coming from a good place and maybe they’re pissing me off and maybe whatever disagreement we have is something that I find really troublesome, but I know that this person cares for me. I know this person is not out to hurt me. We want everything in our lives to be perfect. So if we look at a friendship or relationship and this part of it doesn’t work, we’re say, OK, I’m will just move on to the next one. You have to pick your battles and choose what’s important for you. And I think, unfortunately, a lot of times people break up friendships over things that aren’t really that important.”
  • We talked about drifting away versus ghosting a friend.
  • We talked about the value of casual friendships, putting yourself out there for friends rather than only doing things that fit in your schedule, and continuing to invite new people to do things even if you’ve been rejected. Try again with someone else.
  • We talked about friendships between Orthodox women and non-Orthodox women. Chaya Leah warned Orthodox women that they shouldn’t always be trying to “inspire” or make their friend more religious. And I said I think that a lot more judgement comes from the non-Orthodox side trying to “save” Orthodox women. We decided there might be hope for Jewish people. But we’re not sure!

 


Let’s connect! 

 

If you like what you’re hearing,  please tell a friend!
Also, if you can 
rate and/or leave a review on Apple Podcasts, I’d be so grateful.

The following two tabs change content below.
Nina Badzin hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. She's been writing about friendship since 2014, co-leads the writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, and reviews 30+ books a year on her website.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

Get The Newsletter

I send an email once or twice a month with the latest friendship letters, podcast episodes, book reviews, recipes, and more.

Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

Get The Newsletter

I send an email once or twice a month with the latest friendship letters, podcast episodes, book reviews, recipes, and more.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.