The Unspoken Code Between Childhood Friends

two kids sitting in a nook in the wall

THE CODE BETWEEN CHILDHOOD FRIENDS

Note that by childhood, I mean a young age all the way through high school, really even college. AND, in my case specifically, I would add long-distance to the mix since I don’t live in the city where I was raised

  1. We will email, text, and use Facebook when we have to, but these methods of communication will never compare to hearing each other’s voices and having a conversation face-to-face.

  2. Even if those face-to-face conversations happen once every five years or less, they will be so fulfilling and genuine that it will seem as if no time has passed. We will easily pick up where we left off because our friendship is in a category all its own. We’ve never seen each other’s living rooms and kitchens, but we’ve seen each other with acne, broken hearts, and often worse. We’ve talked long into the night during such formative years that certain songs from the 80s and early 90s and movies and shows and even certain words flood us with memories of each other.

  3. Any small talk pertaining to each other’s family members is so much more than the unfairly named (in this case) small talk . “How is your dad?” “How is your sister?” These questions mean something and their answers will mean even more because we know each other’s family members from so many angles.

  4. We will, over the course of our lives, help each other preserve those flashes of memory from childhood like the lecture about focusing on more than a guy’s looks that we got in high school from the mom who reminded us that looks fade. Or the pre-college pep talk we got from my dad who had us all in tears days before we all left for college. I remember another mom of our crew always calling us nice girls. “You are nice girls,” she’d insist. And she was right, we were (mostly) nice. Sometimes I suspect we made sure we were nice so she would approve. Every one of us cared about her opinion. We cared about all the parents’ opinions. I can’t tell if as a group we were uniquely invested in each other’s families, or if this is just the way of childhood friends. Either way, I’m grateful to have known you as full people with parents, siblings, grandparents, and cousins and to have practically lived at your houses and even in your cars. I’m grateful to have seen your roots and for you to have seen mine.

  5. We will not remind each other (aloud) about stupid mistakes we made back in the day like boyfriends we fought over or the times in our lives when we let our friendship fade too much. None of that matters. You are here now. I am here now. We will always be there for each other in the important times. And if we can’t be there, we will understand that, too. We will get that there is a current life with responsibilities and struggles and even joys that neither of us is a part of for the other because of distance, time, and reality. We will not hold this against each other or pretend that pictures on Facebook changes that fact. We will just get it. Our friendship will exist in that rare time and space protected by the drama of hurt feelings. We’ve been through enough middle school and teenage angst together that our taste for it as adults has long since passed (at least with each other).

  6. We will love each other unconditionally because our memories are too precious to let conditions get in the way.

This post was inspired by the friends who came to my grandmother’s funeral or shiva in Chicago last week and the ones who would have been there if they could. Love you guys.


ASK ME AN ANONYMOUS FRIENDSHIP ADVICE QUESTION ANY TIME!  

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST

JOIN THE DISCUSSION ANY TIME ON THE NEW DEAR NINA FACEBOOK PAGE.  

SIGNUP FOR MY NEWSLETTER (COMES 1-2 TIMES/MONTH)

ALL THE FRIENDSHIP TOPICS I’VE ALREADY COVERED SINCE 2014 ARE HERE.

 

Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash

The following two tabs change content below.
Nina Badzin hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. She's been writing about friendship since 2014, co-leads the writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, and reviews 30+ books a year on her website.

80 Responses

  1. Nina, I love this. It reminds me of when I described my old friends recently as the people who know what I called my grandparents. There’s something eternal and powerful (eternally powerful, too) about those friends we knew when we were becoming who we are, don’t you think? xoxo

  2. Yes, to everything! I particularly like #5.

    I would also add shorthand- my friends can say one word or reference a story/place and I immediately know what they mean. They know my codewords and I know theirs.

  3. So sorry for the loss of your Grandmother, Nina. I recently lost my mom, and I think the most important letters of condolence I’m getting are from my childhood friends who remember her kindness to them when they were little. This is a great list. Even though we all tend to scatter after high school, keeping up those friendships is all-important!
    Anne R. Allen recently posted..Six Pieces of Bad Advice New Writers Need to IgnoreMy Profile

  4. This captures so beautifully what I’ve been feeling about old friends: there’s nothing that can substitute history, nothing that can bond us quiet like the fact that we knew each other when we were still becoming the people we are today. Number 2, 3, and 4 especially struck a chord in me.
    Natalia Sylvester recently posted..What It’s All AboutMy Profile

  5. Great post! Definitely a topic that’s near and dear to me, since pretty much all of my closest friends live in different cities. (In different countries, even!) And I think it’s something that future generations are going to be dealing with more and more.

    When I was in talks with St. Martin’s Press about turning my web serial Twenty-Somewhere into a novel, they wanted (among other things) all 3 main characters to be living in the same city, and that was the one thing I really couldn’t see changing, because it was so inherent to what the story was about for me. Modern friendship isn’t always walking down the street or meeting up for Sunday brunch — not anymore. Nowadays it’s Skype calls, and long email exchanges, and identifying with each other’s experiences even though our own are taking place hundreds of miles away. It’s different, but it’s still special, and as you’ve written about here, it’s still based on that same foundation of history, of shared memories, of love.
    Kristan recently posted..Save yourselfMy Profile

    1. What a great insight, Kristan, about the reality of less people living in the same town as their closest friends (and what an oversight by St. M).

      Thanks so much for stopping by to share your thoughts. You definitely have a great point of view since you’ve thought and written so much about it. And great to see you here!

  6. You captured something so true about old friendships. They are the ones who know me best. Our shared history brings so much complexity to our relationship. I don’t have that many friendships from childhoods with whom I keep in touch regularly, but the ones that I do — even though in some ways they are not my “best” friends — know so much about me from understanding my family, my childhood home, even my former pets. (I lived on a farm so animals were a huge part of our daily life.)
    Jessica Smock recently posted..A Lady in France and the Magic of MemoirMy Profile

  7. I’m sorry for your loss, Nina. I’m glad your girlfriends were there to give you some comfort. I don’t have any friends from childhood who are still in my life, but I feel this way about my college friends. Girlfriends truly are blessings.
    Dana recently posted..My outside heartsMy Profile

    1. Dana, as I was writing this post I had some things I wanted to say about my college friends who are so important to me in similar and different ways too. I think I”ll have to a separate post just about them!

    1. I really appreciate that you shared it on FB. It’s been fun watching the conversation between you and those friends unfold. Also, I’m 37 so need to read your latest post as I’m over the half way mark!

  8. #4 reminded me of something my friend’s mother said when we were in high school. She told us about a time she was our age and she passed on a trip to Europe because of “practical” reasons. She thought she’d just be able to go another time. Nearly 25 years later she’s never been. That story is sort of code for us, reminding us to not let good opportunities slip through our fingers. We were too young to understand then that sometimes they don’t come back around.

    Lovely post, Nina. My condolences for your loss.
    Jackie Cangro recently posted..The One with Space MountainMy Profile

  9. I love this and totally get it. As you know, I feel the same way about my old friends, and sadly, was also inspired to write about it after the loss of a family member. I’m so sorry about your grandmother! I feel terrible, since I was bombarding you last week, as well. My deepest condolences.
    Allie recently posted..SAG Awards RecapMy Profile

  10. What a beautiful post! This really resonated for me. I live an ocean away from my childhood friends and when we see each other, it’s as if time took a brief pause. It’s wonderful how those friends are there for you in difficult moments, like your grandmother’s passing, and how well they understand you.

    So sorry for your loss.

    Thank you for sharing and reminding us all about the power and solace of our childhood ties.
    Marialena recently posted..A comb, a knife, and a fistful of salt: the escape of BlancaflorMy Profile

    1. Thanks, Shana, and I know it’s hard to lose touch. It’s the realistic case in many situations. I am definitely not in touch with everybody–even in the one-time-a-year or Facebook kind of way.

  11. I had dinner last night with 2 friends that I have known my entire life, and I know for sure that everything you write here is unbelievably true. There is nothing more powerful than the friends that we have known forever. The ones who hold all of our stories, past and present.

  12. Nina,

    There were four of us girls who became sister-friends in college. We kept in touch throughout the years– Christmas cards– enough to keep up with kids being born and new jobs and houses. Then one day, one of us was diagnosed with breast cancer. We made a commitment to get together every year. Why did we wait? The laughter and tears were as priceless in our mid-forties– more so– than when we were in college. Unfortunately, my friend didn’t survive her battle with cancer and didn’t live to see what would have been her 50th birthday this month. I’m so glad we took the time to rekindle our love and tenderness towards each other. There truly is nothing like a lifetime bond of friendship. Lovely, lovely post. Thank you.

    1. I am so sorry for the loss of such a dear friend. What a lesson for the rest of us to take that time (as hard as it seems while planning) to get away and see those friends who mean to much to us. Thanks for sharing that here, Julie.

  13. So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. So wonderful that you have such lovely friends who could be there for you – some even in person – during this difficult time. xox

  14. Great article with profound meaning. I am 50 years out of high school and my BFF lives 3000 miles away. Our lives could not have been more different. But the bond is irrevocable, omni-present, and we do thank technology for allowing us to connect so easily frequently. Decades pass in between visits. It is still like 1958-1964 for us. We both had other friends and relationships, but this one duo emerged as an enduring, loving, unconditional bond that has endured the test of time, and matured through lifes sad and happy times.

    1. I loved hearing this story, Roberta. Thanks so much for sharing it here. I absolutely believe that a decade can pass without a visit, but you’re able to stay connected throughout because of that bond from history.

  15. I wish I could relate, but unfortunately my closest friends today I’ve met “recently” during college. However I CAN still relate to all your points with said friends, especially how we can just pick up after months of no communication as if we had seen each other the day before!
    Nina recently posted..Surprising Costs of Raising TwinsMy Profile

  16. Friendship is so intriguing and there is something very bonding about childhood friends – so much history together, growing up during your most formative years! Now, my closest friends are college and mommy play-date friends because we spend so much time together. Sometimes I wonder if we’d really be friends if it weren’t for our children!
    Amy Mak recently posted..Roasted Squash and Black Bean SoupMy Profile

    1. Circumstance for sure counts for a lot. I wrote a long review two years ago about the book CLICK (about what makes people click.) Proximity was a huge one, which relates to life circumstance. You meet people with kids the same age, etc, see them in classes on a regular basis. It gives the friendship a much better chance than someone you can’t see as often. But what’s been cool for me about this childhood friendships is that the bond of a shared history trumps the proximity issue since I live out of town.

      Thanks for chiming in here!

  17. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I can tell from what you wrote, those friends must have been a great comfort. I have lost all but a few childhood friends and I do regret that. Many of them have stayed in touch and when I’m around them, I realize how much I have missed.
    Jean recently posted..Tradition Vs. The BachelorMy Profile

  18. Your Unspoken Code Between Childhood Friends was beautiful and touching. I am still in contact with a friend of 75 years,I am 76. I truly treasure my childhood friends, college friends and adult relationship friends.

  19. Oh Nina, I’m so sorry about your grandmother, but I’m so glad you had the comfort of friends. I particularly loved your no. 3 … I had those same bonds with my friends’ parents and really DO want to know how mom and dad are. Thanks for sharing such a touching piece.
    Melissa Crytzer Fry recently posted..Behind the ScenesMy Profile

    1. I love hearing that! Was talking with some blogging buds recently about “blog readers” and “civilian readers.” Everyone appreciates the blog readers and covets the all-too-hard-to-grab “civilians.” So . . . that’s my long way of saying THANK YOU!

  20. What a beautiful and insightful post! This “civilian” was happy to have been directed to your blog! Thank you.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

Get The Newsletter

I send an email once or twice a month with the latest friendship letters, podcast episodes, book reviews, recipes, and more.

Hi, I'm Nina

DEAR NINA: Conversations About Friendship is a podcast and newsletter about the ups and downs of adult friendship. I’m the host, Nina Badzin, a Minneapolis-based writer who accepted a position as a friendship advice columnist in 2014 and never stopped. DEAR NINA, the podcast, started in 2021, and has been referenced in The Wall Street JournalThe Washington PostTime Magazine, The GuardianThe Chicago TribuneThe Minneapolis Star Tribune, and elsewhere

Get The Newsletter

I send emails through Substack with the latest anonymous friendship letters, podcast episodes, book reviews, and more.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.