Dear Nina,
Can we talk about the Apple Watch and cell phones? Two of my friends (we’re in our mid-30s) claim that their Apple Watches keep them less attached to their phones.
They like the watch because texts and calls vibrate on their wrists, which means they can keep their phones in their purses or pockets and avoid mindless scrolling on Facebook and Instagram, etc. If there’s an emergency call or text, it will come through on the watch. Everything else can be ignored until later.
In theory.
I see how this can work well for a phone call. Most people I know get way less calls than texts so if there’s an occasional call to “quickly check” on the watch, it’s not a huge interruption. But I call B.S. on anyone who is wearing an Apple Watch “glancing” at a text and not acting distracted. My few friends who wear the watch pretend to keep the conversation going. It’s like they expect me to pretend I do not see them reading a text while we are sort of talking to each other. Wtf?
One friend in particular—I’ll call her Dara—looks at her Apple Watch whenever she sees a text. Every single text. We can be sitting at a lunch that is only going to take less than an hour and Dara will regularly turn her wrist to glance at the watch when she feels the vibration.
How is this any better than reading texts on the phone numerous times in an hour with a friend across the table? (She pretty much did that before getting the watch so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.) I know she’s not trying to convey, “Ugh, when will this lunch end?” But, the conversation pauses whenever she has to “quickly glance” at the watch to make sure it’s not urgent so she is basically conveying she’s annoyed to be there with me. Let me be clear: she is NOT in a life-saving field. Yes, she has young kids. So do I. The preschool will call if there’s a problem, not text.
I’m not sure what I want from her (or other friends who do this). Maybe I’d like her to say to my face: “I know I asked you to hang out, but I’ve lost the ability to focus on the person sitting across from me for more than five minutes so I’m going to also be reading my texts. Okay?” And then I can decide, you know what, it’s not okay. I can stay at work, or spend time with my family or a different friend, and not interrupt my regular schedule to hang out with Dara while she’s also spending time with her watch (and phone).
I guess I’m mad! I miss hanging out with my friend in a normal way. Not just with Dara, but with other friends, too.
My question: Is it okay to say to a friend or family member, “Do you mind not looking at your watch or phone so often?” Or do we not have a right to ask for anyone’s attention? Is this simply the new normal?
Signed, Tired of the Tech Interruptions
Dear Tired of the Tech Interruptions,
Reading your question I’m filled with equal parts anger and shame.
Like you, I’m mad at all the “Daras” who have picked up their phones multiple times during one cup of coffee. (Unless they’re really expecting an urgent call or text.) Can we really not have a 30-minute coffee without sharing that time with your texts? And I feel annoyed at the “Daras” who bring their phones to the table and other special get togethers, taking everyone determined not to have their phones nearby away from the present moment as we wonder what’s happening on our little screens. Phone distraction is contagious that way.
But I also feel shame for the times I’ve been Dara—the times I’ve picked up my phone in the middle of spending time with someone I actually do not intend to insult. Why do any of us do it? Perhaps we are expecting some important information, but we also want to see our friends, so we juggle too much at once. Perhaps we have an inflated sense of self-importance, or at the very least, we are unaware of how our actions certainly make it look that way. Perhaps we’ve raised tweens and teenagers who cannot so much as toast a bagel without texting us about their hunger first. Perhaps we have permanently damaged our attention spans. We don’t know how to be bored. Or just BE. Perhaps a bit of all of the above.
This whole distraction due to multi-tasking issue—with the phone, the watch, whatever the technology—it’s a problem for so many people, no matter the age.
I was at a wedding in October where the officiant started the ceremony by asking everyone to let the photographer take the pictures. “The couple has requested that you be in this moment with them,” he said. “Please put your phones away.” Everyone in that room was an adult, many well over 60 years old. Still, we all needed that guidance. The bride and groom must have been at too many weddings with phones out. “Our ceremony wont be like that,” they decided. Because we may hold our phones to snap a picture “for a second,” or check in with the babysitter, or the boss, or whomever, but it’s only a split-second scroll and tap before we’re on Instagram or inside the bowels of our emails.
I’m fascinated by the Apple Watch concept. Yep, the folks who gave us these mini-computers in our pockets have invented a contraption to free us from needing our phones out all the time. Maybe the Apple Watch invention is a sign of something positive. Is it possible that as a society we’ve reached a point where we agree it’s less than ideal to have dinner out with four people and also have four phones on the table? Maybe this screen interruption won’t be the “new normal” forever?
But I can see how, for now, the watch as “freedom” from the phone is better in theory than practice. I too have sat across from a friend and her Apple Watch. All the pausing and wrist staring is awkward. And it’s rude. Yep, you’re as busy as Dara or anyone else.
In some ways the watch feels worse than the phone. With the phone, most of us seem to acknowledge how obnoxious is it to be texting in the middle of a meal or a meeting, etc. Which is why I tend to say in reference to my phone if it’s out (and others have said to me), “I’m so sorry, I may have to check this in a bit.” And we explain why. And then we pause if necessary when the expected text or call arrives and maybe the other person will glance at her phone while she waits. When in Rome, right? This kind of system where the phone is acknowledged but mostly ignored seems to work between friends in a way that constantly looking at the watch (or phone) simply does not.
As for how to address the issue with a friend who is more egregious with the checking than the average person, I turned to my oft-quoted-here best friend, Taryn.
My aunt always says, “You teach people how to treat you.” There’s a fine line between a sign of the times and being offensive. If I was with a friend who was constantly checking her phone or her watch, I would ask her if she needed to reschedule. You could say, “You seem really distracted. Do you want to do this another time?”
I love that advice and when I asked my mother-in-law, Marlys, she suggested a similar line. I agree with both of them. Asking it that way is a fair question and easier to say than, “Please stop checking your texts.” While I do believe nowadays we have to allow for a little multi-tasking, it’s also reasonable to expect that if someone has made plans with you, they’ve done so with the expectation of putting their other responsibilities aside, even if it’s for thirty-five minutes.
All of that advice will likely work for most of your friends. As for Dara, if she’s looking at the watch and phone as often as you say, I recommend seeing her less. I’m not advocating a breakup over this, but it makes sense to let the relationship survive on texts for now. Oh, the irony. And save that precious face-to-face time for the friends who can look you in the eye throughout most of your meal.
Good luck! Nina
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