Dear Nina,
How do you handle it when a friendship has run its course, but your friend has done nothing wrong and there’s no specific reason to end the friendship?
“Theresa” and I went to the same college and both ended up staying in the town where the university is located. We got married within a few years of each other; had kids around the same time; and continued to go out as couples all of these years. Our kids attended schools in different districts, but this is a smaller city and the kids’ schools do not make or break friendships.
We’ve remained friends for decades, even with kids now at college. But over time it feels forced when we spend time together, like it’s more out of obligation. I suppose neither of us wants to be the one to fade away.
I know that our friendship has “expired,” for lack of a better word, but I feel guilty about my desire to let the friendship go to its natural place in my life. At what point is it okay to not feel badly about sending a happy birthday message on Facebook instead of calling, or not inviting that person to a special event you are hosting. Is there a way to exit gracefully?
Thanks for any advice, Feeling stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
This is one of those scenarios that would easily right itself if you were long distance friends. The expectations would be minimal, but you could still get the happy jolts of reminiscing when you felt like it via social media, texts, and emails. There’d be no need for a subtle “break up” or a more direct one. The once-close friendship would naturally turn into a casual and purely-positive one.
Could you transform this “expired,” in-town friendship into something resembling the long-distance one I just described? Possibly! I think it’s worth a try.
Of course, actually living in the same city presents problems, including the requirement of precious time. But I don’t think you’d feel the need to end this friendship if you could successfully restructure the way you and Theresa communicate, which would hopefully recategorize the friendship in her mind, too.
Start by transitioning the time you once spent together into electronic catch ups. So rather than totally disappearing, which would likely feel cruel to her and make you feel terrible, you could continue texting, emailing, and “liking” her posts on social media. You have every right to “be busy” right now when she suggests getting together. (Which you probably are, because who isn’t?) And you definitely shouldn’t be initiating outings.
What I’m saying is, the only gracious way to demote this friendship, is to not blow her off entirely and not formally “break up.” Much like you wouldn’t put an absolute end to a friendship with one of your out-of-town college friends, think of Theresa in the same category. Over time, you might be able to genuinely see her as an old, dear friend you have positive feelings about—someone you see once a year and even enjoy during that time, too.
And for what it’s worth, I’d still at least text on her birthday. There’s something particularly distant about wishing someone a happy birthday on Facebook when you have a texting/emailing relationship established. It takes the same amount of time on your end anyway.
All of this is to say I believe you have every right to scale back a friendship. If Theresa were doing something terrible or emotionally draining, I’d advocate a more permanent approach. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
But listen: I can’t promise Theresa won’t feel the sting the first time she’s left out of a major event of yours. If handled carefully, however, you may also not be at the top of her small dinner party list before long. And it’s possible that’s already the case and part of the reason you’re feeling less heat in this friendship. When I asked my mom’s opinion, the first thing she noted was the possibility of Theresa’s mutual lack of interest.
Here’s what my mom—wise about friendship and all things—said:
Chances are Theresa feels the same way. I would advise against a formal exit, i.e. a phone call, meal, or email to discuss or analyze the end of this friendship. Sometimes relationships run their course for all of the reasons outlined in this letter. So the question remains how to let it go gracefully? There is no good way to do this, but I would make the same suggestions as Nina already did. (Don’t initiate, be busy, and so on). The letter doesn’t say how often Feeling Stuck and Theresa spend time together. Perhaps if she limited those instances to once a year, she might feel less guilty.
I hope this helps. It’s a hard situation, no matter how common.
Best of luck, Nina
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Clock Photo by Sarah Horrigan via Flickr.
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