The latest question on my friendship advice site comes from a woman (in her late 30s) whose close friends makes fun of her frequent use Facebook and Instagram.
Dear Nina,
I’m tired of my friend making fun of me for posting on Facebook and Instagram. When we’re out with other friends, “Samantha” will say things like, “You’re always online.” Or she will refer to a specific post and tease me for some element of it, or for sharing at all.
We’re in our late 30s and have been friends for a long time, so we do remember a time together when social media wasn’t around. But those of us on there for work, fun, or both (for me it’s both), have been using it for a while by now. Meaning, I’m certainly not the only one in our circle of friends who uses social media avidly. And Samantha is obviously on there, too. Which brings me to my next point.
Samantha must be on Facebook and Instagram regularly if she’s seeing my posts. And if that’s the case, why does she never “like” anything? I realize how silly this sounds, but it’s hurtful. She can take the time to see my posts and mock me for them, but she can’t acknowledge on the platform itself that she’s seen them?
And I realize she doesn’t like the posts in the actual definition of the word. She’s made it clear she actively dislikes them. In this case I’m referring to pressing “like” as a way of acknowledging she’s seen the post. Seems to me she doesn’t want to admit she’s ever online. The whole thing feels hypocritical.
The funny thing is Samantha has been talking about starting a food blog. Good luck to her if she wants people to find it without help from social media, which doesn’t work so well if you’re not willing to post and also support others.
Thanks for any ideas for how to handle this, Tired of defending my social media life
Dear Tired,
My gut reaction: Tell Samantha to unfollow you if she finds you so annoying. Problem solved. Another idea is to block her on both platforms. Problem solved with more permanence.
HOWEVER, both ideas side-step the deeper issue in this friendship.
Why does Samantha feel comfortable repeatedly teasing you for your choices? Especially in front of other people?! This is so NOT OKAY.
In this case she’s mocking you about Facebook and Instagram. But let’s say you suggest she unfollow you and she agrees. That doesn’t mean she won’t relentlessly and publicly tease you for other things once the social media topic is off the table. While some element of teasing is part of friendship, what you’re describing sounds excessive. That’s why I suggest you address (in person) the way you feel when she makes those comments. You can explain that you spend time with your friends so you can feel good, not so you can be ridiculed. Late 30s is too old for this level of unsolicited feedback from a friend about something so benign. If you were harming yourself or in a dangerous relationship, that’s another story and a time for friends to intervene. The way you use social media is none of her business.
Now, one other consideration. Is it possible Samantha is passive-aggressively telling you to put your phone down? I say that because I recently received a question here from a woman who is sick of her friend always glancing at her Apple Watch and iPhone. What if Samantha’s comments about social media are meant to direct your attention to how much you’re on your phone in her presence? I’m reading quite a bit into your question to come to this theory, but it’s worth a moment of self-reflection. Either way, mocking you is not cool.
As for your other question about why Samantha doesn’t “like” your posts, I don’t know what to say about that. Yes, I agree she’s made it clear she’s on Facebook and Instagram if she’s seeing your posts. Many years ago I wrote a funny (at least I thought so back then) little thing about “Facebook Lurkers vs Facebook Likers” in which I deduced that some people don’t want others to know they’re online. Sounds like Samantha might fall into that lurker category.
I also agree that when Samantha starts her blog she’ll likely need social media to reach beyond her closest friends and family. And of course, no different than how social skills work in real life, socializing digitally takes give and take.
This is an uncomfortable situation, but I think an honest conversation will help.
Best of luck, Nina
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