Dear Nina,

Throughout the first half of this school year, “Jess” and I had a nice childcare swap: once a week I’d pick her daughter up from preschool and take her for a few hours and she’d do the same for me. But then my daughter mentioned that they don’t always wear seatbelts in Jess’s car. I was shocked. When I asked Jess about it directly, she admitted that the kids don’t always wear seatbelts. I told her I was not comfortable with that and to please not do it anymore. She agreed. I should add that Jess and I are not close friends, but we are friends and we have plenty of friends in common.

Some time after that, I noticed Jess was irresponsible with my daughter’s food allergies. My daughter has an EpiPen around at all times for multiple allergies. I had clearly stated that my daughter should eat only what I packed for her, which has rarely been a problem at other people’s houses. But on several occasions, Jess casually mentioned feeding my daughter this or that, including packaged foods with long lists of ingredients. Needless to say, I don’t feel comfortable leaving my daughter with Jess anymore.

Even though her kid stopped going to preschool in January, Jess wanted to continue our childcare swap. I told her my schedule changed and it wouldn’t work. Recently, she texted to see if my daughter could come for a playdate. I said we were busy and I’d touch base the next week, which I had no intention of doing. She texted me again about 10 days later asking if my daughter could come over on either of two specific dates. I texted back, “Sorry our week is insane!” A couple days later she left a message saying she’s happy to do a playdate wherever, adding that I can stay or drop my daughter off, whatever works for me since I’m obviously very busy. She also sent a text stating the same thing.

I feel suffocated.

I do not want to perpetuate the kids’ friendship and be faced yet again with the dilemma of how to gracefully decline future drop offs at Jess’s house. But I don’t see the point of telling the truth, which would only cause friction, which I’m not interested in having in my life. Do I owe Jess an explanation? Part of me wants to suggest a park play date to get her off my back for a while, especially because we will continue to cross paths for the many years ahead that our kids are in the same district. But I am DONE doing stuff that doesn’t feel right simply to please the next person. What would you do?

Signed, Feeling Protective and Trapped

Dear Protective and Trapped,

Your instinct to stop leaving your daughter with Jess was the most important first step. I would do the same thing. Are optional seatbelts a new thing in the preschool-parent set? I’ve never encountered that. Sounds like you haven’t either though. That particular detail might be unique to Jess. The disregard for another child’s allergies, however, is not.

Adults’ awareness of how serious food allergies are does vary from person to person. Maybe the lack of understanding—bordering on disregard—happens because significantly more kids are diagnosed with life-threatening allergies than when we were younger. This almost makes it all feel “blown out of proportion,” a common response in some people without kids or grandkids in their families with food allergies.

I will admit that when my youngest child had allergy testing at the age of one to help us treat his many rashes, my husband and I struggled to trust the results showing an allergy to peanuts and tree nuts—foods our son had never eaten because at that time pediatricians were still saying not to expose young kids to nuts. We had three older kids with zero allergies whatsoever. Still unable to accept the results, we took him to Children’s Hospital where they administered a peanut challenge. And he failed that challenge quickly with the amount of peanut butter that could fit on my pinky nail. And even then it took us a while to get the hang of bringing the EpiPen everywhere and reminding our older kids not to give him cookies and treats without checking with us first.

And as soon as our son could speak in full sentences, we taught him to say, “Does this have nuts?” to anyone who handed him food. Now at seven-years-old, he sometimes reminds me to check, and I should be very used to the whole routine after all these years. Ultimately, he is going to be the last line of defense of what goes in his mouth when I’m not there. And sometimes when I am there! Same is true for your daughter.

I brought up my own experience because while I agree you should not leave your daughter with Jess, I think you can talk to her about it in a gentle and compassionate way. She will stop asking you to drop off your daughter if you’re more forthcoming than saying, “We’re busy.”

I’d tell her you’re working with your daughter on understanding what she can and cannot eat. And until she has it 100% under control, you’re not comfortable leaving her at Jess’s house. My friend, Taryn, suggested saying something along these lines: “We all have so much on our plates. I cannot expect you or anyone to keep my daughter’s allergies straight. For now I’m more comfortable hosting the kids’ dates.” It’s none of Jess’s business if you leave your daughter elsewhere. You don’t owe her a lengthly explanation beyond the fact that you’re not leaving her there anymore.

And this doesn’t mean you have to constantly make yourself available to host Jess’s daughter. You asked what I would do. Personally, I’d rather host her daughter once before the school year ends and maybe once later this summer if it’s a choice between that and meeting Jess at the park. Like you, I felt suffocated simply reading the description of the multiple times Jess has reached out. And it’s not realistic in your overlapping social circles to disappear (though I get why it’s tempting).

Good luck! Nina