The newest friendship question is from “In Over My Head” whose new online friendship with “Shelby” quickly went from light and fun to overly heavy and crossing too many boundaries. This is a tough situation to handle without hurting Shelby’s feelings. And yet, “In Over My Head” should not feel trapped by this friendship either. I gave her a few options.
Dear Nina,
About two years ago I became acquainted with Shelby online through various comments and posts on Facebook. We became Facebook friends and started communicating regularly after realizing how many interests we share, and now sometimes we instant message as well. At first, things were light and fun. But then I learned more.
Although I can’t be sure since we do not live near each other, Shelby seems not to have many bona fide friends in “real life.” Very early on, she started telling me the kinds of things that maybe longer-term friends learn about or tell each other when that kind of trust has been earned in due course. She sometimes seems very sad and isolated, all things generally in contrast to my own life.
And now I’ve been made aware that Shelby engages in risky, harmful behaviors as a coping strategy to deal with her emotions. Access to mental health services seems to be an issue to boot. I want to be friendly and receptive to Shelby, but I am also unwilling to take on a burden like that given the generally nascent nature of our relationship.
How do I balance being a kind, empathic friend to her (who I would love to see be well and happy!) with also not adding a layer of stress to my own life that I cannot and do not want to absorb given the other obligations I already live with? How does one set boundaries in a friendship with someone who clearly has some mental health issues that are not being supported or addressed by a professional without totally dropping them like a hot potato?
Thanks for any suggestions, In Over My Head
Dear In Over My Head,
You’ve captured the simultaneous upside and downside of online friendships. On the positive side, it’s easy to get close without day-to-day time constraints or distance becoming an impediment to fostering a relationship. It’s much easier to text and use Facebook messages than to set up coffee or dinner. Especially when we carry our phones around and become readily available. On the negative side, you can get too close too quickly.
I’m recommending a Plan ‘A’, Plan ‘B’, and Plan ‘C’ to extract yourself from what I agree are some unhealthy boundaries here. “Extract” may sound like a harsh word, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to stay close to Shelby without playing by her rules, which includes being her confidante. I know you don’t want to feel like you’re abandoning Shelby, but I can tell from your letter that things can’t stay the same. Something has to change, and you’re not likely to change her.
PLAN A: Set boundaries through a subtle change in how often you and Shelby communicate. If you used to respond every day, then start letting days pass between messages. The fact that you’ve been readily available thus far does not mean you’re committed to that schedule of messaging until the end of time. You can, hopefully, reset her expectations by changing how you act. This plan is not about dropping her; it’s about resetting the friendship to where it ought to naturally be considering the facts you’ve shared about what you want out of this type of relationship. (Light, fun, enjoyment of shared interests, not a replacement of your in-town friends.)
While it’s true that your actions are the only part of this situation you can control, you can still hope she sees this reduced frequency in messaging as a signal that you’re not her number one confidante. This is not meant to minimize the real problems Shelby has right now, but you are not going to be able to solve them from afar. Nobody would blame you for not wanting to take this on both as a new friend and a long-distance friend.
PLAN B: Exaggerate. If Shelby gives you a hard time about being less available, you may have to exaggerate a truth to spare her feelings, especially since she’s expressed feeling so fragile right now. I would say something about having a personal issue you are dealing with that’s taking most of your attention—you can have something mostly true in mind—but say you’ve chosen to keep the situation private. Explain that you’re simply not available like you were before. I assume she will see that you’re still active on Facebook or elsewhere online. You can preemptively let her know that you’re keeping your online activity work-related and are otherwise dedicating your time to this private issue. You don’t owe her details on that “issue.” I don’t like to advocate a lie, but in this case it would hopefully keep Shelby from taking it personally. Again, this is not something you can control. You can only do your best to minimize hurt feelings.
PLAN C comes from my mom and only needs to be used if Shelby presses yet again after your decreased communication and after your declaration about laying low for a bit. It is the more direct choice and some may fairly argue this should be Plan ‘A’. “I think In Over My Head can suggest that Shelby look for a therapist. She could say something like, ‘You seem upset all the time. Have you considered finding a neutral person to talk to?’ In Over My Head could also blatantly say that she doesn’t feel equipped to advise on Shelby’s issues because she doesn’t want to give bad advice or violate boundaries. Sometimes telling a story is a good way to get a point across. In Over My Head could even make one up. She could say she has another friend with similar problems who got professional help and is feeling better.”
You could try ‘C’ then go to ‘A’ then ‘B’. Either way, I hope you’re able to reset this relationship to one that feels good for both of you, which is a tall order when a friend has expectations that you (understandably) do not want to meet.
Best of luck, Nina
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