Dear Nina,
My best friend, “Leila,” and I have only known each other for six years, but it’s been a strong friendship, almost like sisters. Leila lost her mom a few years ago and it was really rough. I was there to be her sounding board and shoulder to cry on. Even though I have never lost someone close to me, I knew that whatever Leila needed I would do my very best to help her out.
As it happens, Leila met a new friend soon after her mom passed away. The new friend started joining in with things Leila and I used to do together. Then when the new friend suddenly lost her dad, they became inseparable, bonding over their losses. Leila and New Friend do everything together and rarely invite me along. Also, the things that Leila and I plan always end up including New Friend, too.
I understand why Leila and New Friend are close. They’ve both lost a parent. I can’t even imagine it. But a little part of me is feeling lost, lonely, left out, and jealous.
I know it’s stupid. I should just back off, but this friendship means a lot to me. I don’t want to lose it! Especially over what are probably really stupid feelings. What should I do?
Signed, Lost and Lonely
Dear Lost and Lonely,
The most important message I can give you is that your feelings are not stupid–a word you used twice in the last paragraph. It’s understandable to feel left out, jealous, and everything else you’re experiencing when a close friendship changes.
The sadness you are conveying here is self-aware and reasonable. You understand why Leila and New Friend have a special bond. But at the same time, you’re jealous of the time they’re spending together and you miss your best friend, a feeling you’re completely entitled to acknowledge. There is nothing “stupid” about it.
In my opinion, this situation calls for a one-on-one chat with Leila in person. Let her see in your face and hear in your voice that you’re not there to blame anyone and you’re not looking for any kind of confrontation. Nor are you asking her to choose between you and New Friend.
You’re sad and you miss her. That’s all she needs to know. You can say a version of what you said here . . . maybe something along the lines of, “I’m so happy you found someone who really understands the loss you’ve experienced. But I’m feeling left out and jealous and that’s because I miss you.” When you schedule this chat, you may have to specifically ask for a “hang out” that’s only for the two of you.
I’m hoping Leila will be receptive. As long as you’re clear that you’re not asking her to drop New Friend, I think Leila will find a way to balance these close friendships. But it may take her some time!
Good luck and I hope it goes well, Nina
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