The newest friendship dilemma is from a woman who feels she’s often the “close” friend and never the “best” friend. My mom and I opine on the place of “best” friends for adults and whether or not the letter writer should let one particular friend know she’d like to adopt the label for their friendship.
Dear Nina,
Making close friends has never been an issue for me, but I’ve never been anyone’s best friend. I am told often how amazing and appreciated I am as a friend, but I still don’t seem to reach the “bestie” status.
A couple of years ago, I met “Lacey” who I consider my best friend. We hit it off immediately and we both agree that we really, truly “get” one another. We are very much alike and we have a strong trust, respect, openness and love for each other. We agree that we are blessed by having each other as friends and that we make each other’s lives better. She is the greatest friend I have ever had.
She has started referring to me as “one of her dearest, closest friends.” But, she will never say I’m her “best friend.” I really don’t know why this hurts me so much, but even writing about it now is painful and almost makes me cry.
My theory on why it bothers me is that the label of “best” friend seems more secure and that I won’t lose her as a friend because I have lost friends that had other best friends. Recently Lacey has gone through some difficulty with her boyfriend, who doesn’t want to commit to her (even though they live together). I have been there for her and she tells me that I have helped her a lot and that she is grateful for my support, advice, reassurance and love.
It occurred to me yesterday that I am going through the same thing as she is, but in a platonic friendship sort of way. I’m really at a loss on what to do. I feel myself trying to create distance in our friendship, but that is painful to me, too, so it doesn’t last. I feel like if I say something to her then it will cause me to lose her as a friend or at the very least cause a great distance. I need some advice on this desperately!
Signed, Always Close Never Best
Dear Always Close Never Best,
Your predicament is based on a misperception that you could never lose a best friend. Over all these years writing this column, my inbox has filled with letters from readers who were dumped by a best friend or who are looking for advice on how to create distance with a current best friend.
“Best friends forever” can happen, but that doesn’t preclude either member of the pair from making other extremely close–even “best”–friendships.
And for some pairs, “forever” is well-intentioned, but later becomes something more like “during college” or “while our babies are still in preschool.” And that’s not because anyone is trying to be deceptive. Life’s circumstances force us to elevate some friendships over others or to focus solely on the other relationships in our lives for a while (partner, parents, children, siblings, colleagues, and so on.) My point is, the term “best” applied to a friendship gives it no more security than “close,” “dear,” or plain old “friend.”
You have a found an excellent friend in Lacey, and I recommend not addressing the label issue with her. Enjoy your ability to foster close relationships and keep Lacey close to your heart while leaving room for a few others, too. Try considering her “one of your best friends,” which could take some pressure off of the friendship in general.
That’s my two cents, but my mom had more to add.
From Kathy:
As an adult, one can have a few very good friends–those whom we feel close to, confide in and are there for in good times and in times of crisis. Those women are our best friends. It doesn’t make sense to have one “best friend” because we have different friends for different needs.
“Always Close Never Best” should feel more secure because she has the ability to make good friends. That is not something everyone can do. She should be encouraged to spend time and energy with other close friends besides Lacey. She should also understand that life events arise that impact good friendships. Relationships change through the years. That is why it is so important to have a few good friends and not rely on just one “best friend.”
Even when a close friend is no longer close because of distance or another issue–it is still possible to maintain contact and warm feelings. For example, I am still in touch with two friends I have known since kindergarten. We live in three different parts of the country and always contact one another on birthdays- during times of crisis and other times too. Every relationship does not have to be intense. Being tolerant of idiosyncratic behavior is a good way to keep friends. Friendships are like marriages. There is a lot that you have to let go.
I always love my mom’s advice, but I especially love those last few lines about letting certain behaviors go. It’s okay if Lacey doesn’t want to use the term you prefer. It sounds like she’s a great friend.
I hope that helps! Nina
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