I got a letter from someone trying to help her friend during the friend’s husband’s health crisis. Many of us have been in this position to want to help or we will be in that position eventually. The trick is knowing how to help without making it your friend’s problem to assist you in your desire to help. I turned to my mom and my friend, Taryn, for some good tips.
Dear Nina,
Sadly, about six months ago the husband of a friend of mine was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She was not a best friend, but we had been very close years earlier and would still get together every few months. Since her husband’s diagnosis I have reached out numerous times by text, email, and phone trying to get together again. No response.
I know from another mutual friend that she does not want to talk about his condition because it’s too hard. I would love to get together and support her and would absolutely honor those wishes. My husband thinks I should keep calling and calling, but I don’t feel right being a pest about it. Should I continue to periodically reach out and wait for her to come around? Or should I keep calling and calling like my husband suggests? Should I outright tell her that I won’t bring up her husband’s illness if we get together? And while I value our friendship, I am also sort of bothered that I can’t get any sort of response out of her. What’s your advice, Nina?!
Signed, I Want to Help
Dear I Want to Help,
I see two goals in your letter:
#1. to genuinely help you your friend in some way
#2. to let your friend know that you are a good friend who is not abandoning her during this rough time.
Those are both worthy goals, but it’s important not to let goal #2 get ahead of goal #1. Meaning, you don’t want your desire to prove what a good friend you are get in the way of actually helping. You’re probably not getting a response from your friend because she’s in crisis mode and cannot be expected to facilitate anyone else’s acts of good friendship.
But I understand your predicament. You DO want to help. So . . . what to do? I turned to my mom and my best friend, Taryn, for ideas because they’ve both dealt with serious medical situations and are the perfect two people to guide you.
From my mom:
Perhaps “I Want to Help” should text or call her friend saying that she is bringing dinner on a particular day. The friend with the terminally sick husband may not have the energy for conversation or might be suffering from depression and that is why she is not answering calls and texts. The writer might also consider dropping off flowers or chocolates or cookies– something tangible with a note stating “thinking of you.” That way the friend knows “I Want to Help” cares.
And from Taryn:
The best response is a note–email or handwritten. The note can say something along the lines of I’m letting you know I’m aware of what’s going on. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you in any way that you need whether that’s a shoulder to cry on or a companion to escape the reality of your situation. Sending you lots of love and prayers.
I then would include something small like a lucky bamboo plant, a favorite shower gel or a really good lip balm — hospitals are very dry. Then find out if there is a meal train to sign up for and if not, you could start that.
I would not keep calling or keep leaving messages. That’s overwhelming in a crisis this big. But actual letters or texts that don’t warrant a response, small gestures, investigating what the needs are in the home and then just doing it or finding out how who is coordinating—that is what will help. The friend does not need anything else on her plate to respond to or handle.
That should nudge you in the direction. Thanks for writing in! I think many people can benefit from the advice here. Nina
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