The latest question at the friendship column is from a woman who wants to reconnect with an old friend, but she wants to do so without having to include the whole group. Her relationship with other members of the group ended badly, and she’s worried that this old friend will want to include the others. How can our letter writer handle this situation.
Dear Nina,
My class recently had our 30 year reunion, which I was unable to attend. I made a post on social media that I hoped everyone has fun and if anyone wants to reconnect, I would be available for coffee.
One woman, “Ava,” reached out. There was no falling out between the two of us in the past, we just got busy with our lives and drifted apart. However, I did have a pretty dramatic falling out with some of the others from our core friend group. I don’t know how much Ava knows about the specifics, but I would rather not discuss it.
What do I say to Ava if she suggests including others from the group or if she asks about what happened? I know I made some terrible mistakes but I’d rather look forward. I would like to rekindle things with Ava but I want to put the drama with others in our former group behind me and move forward.
Thank you! Rekindling Without Drama
Dear Rekindling Without Drama,
I thought your letter was so well worded to reflect how you’re feeling that I’m going to steal your own words for this advice.
If Ava suggests including others in your outing, I think you should say a version of exactly what you said to me. Whether it’s over text, email, or on the phone, I think can say this: “I’m so looking forward to catching up with you, but unfortunately things ended in a less than ideal way with most of our group and the best way for me to move forward is to spend time with people one on one.” I think that’s evasive enough to not inspire her to ask for more details. (She may already know these details by the way if you were part of the same group.)
Now let’s say you’re together for that planned coffee or meal and she does ask you what happened. I’m using a version of your own words again. I’d say, “I want to put all that drama behind me and move forward.” THEN, ask Ava more about HER. Even if you’ve already covered a lot of ground about her current life, ask a few more questions. Offer your own answers about your current life. Keep things about the here and now.
I hope you will go forward with planning this coffee/meal. It’s so wonderful to spend time with people who knew us “back in the day.” I don’t live where I grew up, and whenever I have the chance to connect with a childhood friend face-to-face, I really value that time.
Good luck! Nina
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