If you’re part of a group that’s making you feel like you’re in seventh grade, you’re probably hanging out with the wrong friends. (Unless you’re in seventh grade, but maybe even then.) The newest letter is from a woman who feels rejected by a particular group, which she feels is ruining her young son’s social life, too. I offered some direct advice. Maybe you have some to add?
Dear Nina,
I moved to a new city five years ago with my husband and my then one-year-old (now almost 6). We have another boy who is almost two. I am very friendly and love to make friends, host friends for dinners and be social, mostly with my family in tow, sometimes without. I have no problems making friends at work and have some friends I catch up with occasionally.
I made some mom-friends (“L” and “H”) at my older son’s preschool when we moved here, and we started hanging out as a group regularly. “H” was always reserved with me when in a group, but totally fine when she was with me alone. “L” and I got a little closer than I was with H because our kids were close and we were pregnant with our second kids at the same time. We started chatting, texting, and hanging out more. L and H drifted apart from each other, but I always involved both of them whenever I planned something. I tried to keep the group together.
Another mom “B” came into the scene from out of state and her kid and my kid were friends for a while. “B” sought me out and we did some play dates, but she seemed pushy and wanted things her way (play dates at her place, no responses to my texts other than some vague texts occasionally stating her problems—sick kid, nanny on leave). She also knew L and H and had things in common with them so after a while she dropped me and they formed a trio.
L and H also dropped me and although I feel terrible, I feel worse for my kid who has less of a social life now. H never made any attempt to bridge the widening gap and although I invited the three of them for my kid’s birthday party, they came only to socialize with each other, almost as a favor to me and never contacted me again for almost three months.
After three months, L texted me as if she had been meaning to, but she wanted to know news from our end. When we were closer, she had this tendency to do whatever I tried my hand at and I found it irritating, but I endured it in good nature. So now I feel like I’m being used when she wants information or when she wants to rant and then go back to having fun with B and H. The three months they ignored me, I found out later through Facebook that they celebrated birthdays and snowed-in days together. I am not that active on Facebook, but I share some pictures occasionally on Instagram and now she has started following me, but I feel tempted to block her from my life. Not sure if I’m being very seventh grade here, but it’s so frustrating to have no tribe and to feel so actively left out of one, too.
Thanks for your advice!
Feeling Very 7th Grade
Dear Feeling Very 7th Grade,
It’s absolutely normal to feel thrust back into those seventh grade emotions when we’re feeling excluded. Much like seventh grade, there’s “a certain group” you felt you had some commonalties with and you pinned your hopes for a friendship tribe on them. It makes us doubt ourselves and our “worthiness” when people who seem similar enough to us reject us. Many of us have been there—as kids and as adults.
But please listen to me when I say that you’re NOT actually in 7th grade. Obviously you know that, but you need to really know it on a deeper level.
You have a lot more agency than you did in junior high. You have a car, a phone, email, social media, and you get to decide how to spend your money. You have all the tools to move on from this group and make new friends unlike you might have been able to do in junior high. And it’s up to you to help your kids identify other classmates as potential friends. I’d also argue your son “has less of a social life” as you said because you are fixated on this one particular group. You don’t even like “B!”
No more of this! Your kids go to a school full of kids and you live in a city full of people. You are done with this group.
You say you like to host dinners and plan get togethers. I don’t understand why you’re not extending these skills to other women. I have an inbox full of emails from women waiting to be invited to do things. Not all of the people who write to me have the ability to invite people over and extend themselves this way. You did it when you helped these women form their own group; it’s time to do it again but with new people.
I am willing to bet there are women in that preschool (and maybe now your older child is in kindergarten?) who would be thrilled to get invited to something new. I’d like to see you take two paths on this at the same time. One is with kids such as inviting different families over for dinner. The other is without kids. Try a book club, a cooking club, a walking group, a mahjongg group, a new restaurant group, a volunteering group—anything that forces regularly scheduled time together without the kids. I don’t give that advice to everyone, but you seem like the type of person who can take this on. You’ve got this! (I like friend activities without kids because adding kids to all the events relies too much on kids getting along as they get older and relies on the kids leaving the grownups alone for long enough to talk.)
So, to review: You’re going to let go of these women. All three of them. You will smile and wave when you see them and catch up for a minute or two. But no more pining for invites and no more inviting them to your events. I would for sure hide their Facebook accounts (no need to unfriend). Since seeing their hangouts is upsetting to you, protect yourself from seeing the pictures.
You have more control over this situation than you’re allowing. You can’t control whether or not they want to be friends with you, but you can control how much energy you’re putting into wondering what they think of you. It’s a big world out there and they’re not the only women available for friendship. In fact, they’re not available at all. They’ve made that clear.
The question of whether to block “L” on Instagram is a good one. Blocking can also feel overly aggressive. If it were me, I would leave it as is, but I wouldn’t follow her back. Unlike Facebook, Instagram isn’t automatically reciprocal. She may eventually realize you’re not following back and unfollow you anyway. As for her occasional “what are you guys up to” texts or calls, if you take a while to respond or give basic non-specific responses, I’m sure those will stop, too.
Good luck to you! (And if you can, report back with what you decided to do. I’d love to hear.)
Nina
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Photo by Micheile Henderson on Unsplash
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