Have you ever felt like you were chasing a friend for texts back, calls back, attention on social media, and so on?Today’s friendship question is about the fine line between trying in a friendship vs. chasing a friend. How do you know when you’re trying TOO hard?
Hi Nina,
About a year and a half ago my closest friend, “Syndey,” made a new friend. I like this new friend, but over time, Sydney and I became less and less close, as her new friend became her priority.
About a year ago Sydney introduced me to a group of women she met as they all have the same type of dog and bonded over that. I do not have a dog, but became friends with these women regardless and we all frequently did things together.
In August I lost my job. Three long and tortuous months later I got a new job. I met with the group that night and shared my exciting news. After the announcement of my new job, I noticed that I was consistently being excluded from the group of women she had introduced me to. I was not included in anything anymore. We had a group text with all of us on it. Nobody texts on it anymore as they have a new one now without me on it.
Sydney always seems to consistently bring up the time all of them spend together, which is awkward because she clearly must realize how I would feel as I am no longer included.
I decided to talk to her about it and ask why I was being excluded. Had I offended someone? I didn’t mean to. She said it was a miscommunication, but didn’t address any of the questions I asked. She seemed to fluff over my concerns. Two nights after our conversation we went to dinner with another friend and she again began discussing nights out that I was excluded from (after I had told her this was all very hurtful).
Sydney is engaged and is planning a huge wedding. I am genuinely very happy for her and I have been supportive every step of the way and will be spending thousands of dollars to travel for her bachelorette party and ceremony. She has not asked once how my job is, if I like it, or if I’m happy.
I’m frustrated to be so present and supportive for a friend that seems to be intentionally excluding me, especially when we were the best of friends.
What do you feel is going on here?
Sincerely,
Excluded
Dear Excluded,
Ah—the old make a new group chat to leave out one particular person trick. I thankfully came of age too late to experience that maneuver, but I’m all-too-aware this strategy exists. I live with several teens.
I write often in this column about the importance of trying hard when making new friends. I say it’s helpful to join groups and pursue a variety of interests so you’re not putting all of your efforts in one place. A group bonding over the same kind of dog is a first one for me. But hey, it worked. For Sydney.
I also tend to say it’s not good to stand on ceremony and expect all of the work in a friendship to be equally balanced at all times. It shouldn’t be tit-for-tat in terms of who is doing the inviting and who calls or texts more than the other since the balance fluctuates depending on what’s going on in people’s lives. In a decent friendship, it should even out enough over time.
All that said, there is a point when genuine and well-intentioned trying with new friends and with old friends turns to chasing.
Is Sydney extra busy because of her upcoming wedding? Or is she making a point to create distance in your friendship? It’s hard to know. But it sounds to me more like you’re chasing her at this point. The friendship shouldn’t feel this unbalanced.
Since you already told Sydney that you’ve noticed being left off the group texts and she still mentions all those plans in front of you, I don’t think it matters at this point what her intentions are. You don’t feel good around her, and I can understand why.
You asked what I think is going on here. From your letter, I agree with your assessment that Sydney is making a point to forge her own friendships. You were very close with Sydney for a long while, but now you’re not. Friendships change, and sadly they don’t always change for both parties at the same time. At this point I’d rather see you put effort into new potential friends than chase ones who have not shown themselves to be particularly interested.
I know it’s painful to see a friendship change so much. It’s okay to grieve the loss of the way the friendship with Sydney was and start to think differently of your friendship with her It’s not over. But it has evolved to something less intense, leaving you room to spend time with other people—maybe new people with no connection to Sydney.
Good luck and I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time with this, Nina
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