I rarely use a friendship question from a teen because they’re often pages long, but this one was short and so good. It’s from an anonymous 10th grader who doesn’t want to get in constant little arguments with her friends the way her mother does. If you have advice for her, please chime in on the actual post since that person would not likely see it here.
Dear Nina,
So as a kid, I moved around a lot with my mom. I never really stayed at a school long enough to create a strong friendship. My mom and I moved right before 6th grade and I was able to stay at that school the whole time.
Now I’m a sophomore in high school. I’ve always had trouble keeping friends because we just fall off, but I never have a hard time making them.
Recently, I’ve been hanging out with “Bella.” We became very close over the holiday break (like we hung out almost everyday). My mom has a tendency to get in arguments with her friends and family for little reasons more often than not, and I believe I got that from her. I don’t want to repeat my mom’s friendship mistakes. Bella and I have been getting in little, petty arguments a lot. This most recent argument was bad and now she’s not talking to me.
I haven’t been the best friend to her, and now that she’s gone… I realize it and I feel terrible. I’ve made several heartfelt apologies and it’s not working. She told me she needed a break. I’ve given her space (its only been a week), but I miss her. What do I do? How do I get her back?
Signed, Missing Bella
Dear Missing Bella,
Your self-awareness is going to take you far with your future friendships and probably your other relationships, too. It makes sense that you’d fall into the same friendship patterns you’ve seen with your mom. I obviously don’t know the details, but I’m guessing your mom finds it hard to give the next person the benefit of the doubt—that’s why she’s possibly getting into so many arguments and ending friendships. She perhaps perceives an insult where it never existed. It’s hard to reason with someone who is always “being wronged” and it would make her friends and family stop engaging. That’s fairly natural reaction. Life is too short.
I’m impressed with the way you’ve already noticed this argumentative or “victim” pattern in yourself and that at a young age you want to put yourself on a better path. Yes, I feel confident saying it’s a “better” way of life not to pick fights all the time. We choose our friends and our friends choose us. Over time, nobody would choose to spend time with friends or family members who are always dragging us into—to use your word—“petty” fights.
Whatever happens with Bella, you will likely not make this mistake with friends in the future. I’m not saying it will never happen, but you will hopefully catch yourself sooner.
As for repairing the relationship with Bella, I feel you have already done what you can for the most part. You offered a sincere apology (assuming you didn’t make excuses). Now that she has asked for space, you have to give it to her. You could try, in a few weeks, one more short, written apology. (Text is fine.) But after that, you do not need to beg for forgiveness. I know you miss her, but if she absolutely cannot forgive you, I say it’s time to take your newly improved friendship-keeping skills to someone else. I bet she will come around eventually and you should forgive her, too, for taking longer than you hoped.
Best of luck and I hope the two of you reconcile. I’m all for second chances, and I believe you deserve one.
Nina
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