Dear Nina,
I met “Katie” about 10 years ago when we were both “gymnastics moms” and our kids were friends. We had a few good conversations while the kids were in lessons and arranged a few playdates. I felt this could have evolved into a friendship, but as the kids got into other interests, we lost touch.
Ten years later, both kids attend the same high school and are both involved in theater. I doubt Katie remembers me at all. We had one brief interaction that showed no sign of recognition. Is it too late to remind her of this long ago connection, or would it be too weird as obviously it wasn’t as memorable to her as it was me? Or should I start fresh with her and initiate conversations?
I wish I made more of an effort to build a connection 10 years ago. I don’t have a lot of female friends at the moment and would like to establish new friendships.
Signed, Too Late to Act on Past “Friend Crush?”
Dear Too Late,
Quick answer: NO! It’s never too late. You have everything going for you to help this friendship along. First, you have the desire to forge a new friendship and you get that it will take effort.
Second, you have the ease of proximity to Katie, which counts for a lot. You can have the best chemistry in the world with a potential friend, but if finding times and reasonable places to see each other proves too hard for either person’s schedule, it can be impossible to overcome that reality, especially as you’re still getting to know each other. According to a 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it can take upwards of 50 hours to consider someone a casual friend, 90 hours to be decent friends, and around 200 hours to be close friends. I’d like to think that in today’s world texting counts for some of that time. Let’s hope!
As for whether to tell Katie you met when the kids were younger, I would. You’re clearly not coming at her with an attitude implying “I’m so insulted that you don’t remember me.” If you were, I’d encourage you to start fresh. But I like that you two clicked once upon a time. And I like that you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt that life was hectic with young kids. Ten years is a long time, and it’s understandable that she doesn’t remember everyone from preschool gymnastics.
With a lightness of tone, tell Katie that you remember her from those days and seeing her again reminds you that you had a good feeling about her way back when and you’d love to grab coffee and lunch. You will have to see where things go from there, but being honest, friendly, and open is a good place to start. Perhaps ten years ago, she was the right friend at the wrong time and this time things will work out differently. I’m rooting for you two.
Good luck! And if you can, report back. Nina
ASK ME AN ANONYMOUS FRIENDSHIP ADVICE QUESTION ANY TIME!
JOIN THE DISCUSSION ANY TIME ON THE NEW DEAR NINA FACEBOOK PAGE.
LEAVE A VOICE MAIL ABOUT THIS POST!
ALL THE FRIENDSHIP TOPICS I’VE ALREADY COVERED SINCE 2014 ARE HERE.
Photo by Adam Jang on Unsplash.
Latest posts by Nina Badzin (see all)
- Rules For Making Plans With Friends - November 20, 2024
- Six Ways to be More Generous in Your Friendships - November 12, 2024
- Reviving Friendships That Drifted Apart (even decades later) - November 4, 2024
- Navigating Post-30s Friendship Struggles Through Social Prescribing - October 29, 2024
