Dear Nina,
I met “Katie” about 10 years ago when we were both “gymnastics moms” and our kids were friends. We had a few good conversations while the kids were in lessons and arranged a few playdates. I felt this could have evolved into a friendship, but as the kids got into other interests, we lost touch.
Ten years later, both kids attend the same high school and are both involved in theater. I doubt Katie remembers me at all. We had one brief interaction that showed no sign of recognition. Is it too late to remind her of this long ago connection, or would it be too weird as obviously it wasn’t as memorable to her as it was me? Or should I start fresh with her and initiate conversations?
I wish I made more of an effort to build a connection 10 years ago. I don’t have a lot of female friends at the moment and would like to establish new friendships.
Signed, Too Late to Act on Past “Friend Crush?”
Dear Too Late,
Quick answer: NO! It’s never too late. You have everything going for you to help this friendship along. First, you have the desire to forge a new friendship and you get that it will take effort.
Second, you have the ease of proximity to Katie, which counts for a lot. You can have the best chemistry in the world with a potential friend, but if finding times and reasonable places to see each other proves too hard for either person’s schedule, it can be impossible to overcome that reality, especially as you’re still getting to know each other. According to a 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it can take upwards of 50 hours to consider someone a casual friend, 90 hours to be decent friends, and around 200 hours to be close friends. I’d like to think that in today’s world texting counts for some of that time. Let’s hope!
As for whether to tell Katie you met when the kids were younger, I would. You’re clearly not coming at her with an attitude implying “I’m so insulted that you don’t remember me.” If you were, I’d encourage you to start fresh. But I like that you two clicked once upon a time. And I like that you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt that life was hectic with young kids. Ten years is a long time, and it’s understandable that she doesn’t remember everyone from preschool gymnastics.
With a lightness of tone, tell Katie that you remember her from those days and seeing her again reminds you that you had a good feeling about her way back when and you’d love to grab coffee and lunch. You will have to see where things go from there, but being honest, friendly, and open is a good place to start. Perhaps ten years ago, she was the right friend at the wrong time and this time things will work out differently. I’m rooting for you two.
Good luck! And if you can, report back. Nina
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