Today’s letter writer knows that her friend group is not as nice as she’d like, but she doesn’t want to have to start from scratch either. She wants to know if she should settle for these friends or start over?
Dear Nina,
My question is if I should stay friends with the friends I have. They have hurt me a couple of times, blackmailed me, and did things to me I clearly said I didn’t want them to do.
But sometimes they’re really nice to me and I feel safe! Like, sometimes they can be the best friends in the world. The idea of starting over and making new friends seems even worse than just dealing with the ones I have.
I know what you’re thinking now, why would I be friends with people like this, but they’re really truly nice at times, and I think they actually care about me. It’s not easy to make new friends and nobody is perfect. If I start over, I might run into other problems with my new friends. Should I just stay in these friendships?
Signed, Don’t Want to Start Over
Dear Don’t Want to Start Over,
I know that starting over is hard work. And I agree that no friendship will be perfect. However, what you’re describing, even in the vague terms you used, is way too far over the line.
You can get in disagreements with your friends and even have full “quiet seasons” in your friendships—a term I recently saw and loved in the New York Times. But there is no excuse for outright mean, abusive, and damaging behavior. Personally, I can’t even stand constant teasing, which is a lot more benign than what you’re describing.
You get to choose your friends. It’s time to surround yourself with people who make you feel appreciated and loved. When you’re spending time with friends, even online, you should leave those interactions feeling confident, not deflated.
I think you should end these friendships more abruptly than I’d recommend to someone who had merely grown apart from friends. As for starting over, there isn’t one right way to go about making new friends, but in most cases you will probably have to make the first efforts and put yourself in new environments. These days, that new environment might be a virtual one with everyone at home so often. I’d recommend that you stop engaging with these old friends online and spend more time reaching out to acquaintances on social media and text then see what develops.
Over the summer I wrote about taking a casual friendship to the next level. Perhaps you will find some ideas there, too.
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. Once you connect with one or two kinder you will feel a lot better!
Nina
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