When Your Friend’s Kid Is Being Mean to Your Kid
Welcome to episode two of Dear Nina! My best friend, Taryn Kessel, and I discussed how to manage adult friendships when the kids are fighting or are no longer friends. Can adult friendships survive after the kids’ friendships have ended? Even after your close friend’s kid/tween/teen was nasty to your kid? We say yes, but it can be an artful dance of not getting on somebody else’s emotional roller coaster.You can listen below or on APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, or anywhere you like to listen.
Meet Taryn
Taryn and I met when we were 10 years old in the suburbs of Chicago. In tennis lessons! We lived in the same district, but didn’t go to school together until middle school where we were part of a big concentric circle of friends. We became very close towards the end of high school, traveled through Europe together, and have been inseparable ever since even though we haven’t lived in the same city since we graduated from high school. I’ve been quoting Taryn in my friendship column for many years. And she’s the person I truly go to with every tiny problem and every big problem. Also, not related to friendship, but I wanted to mention that Taryn is an amazing makeup artist in the suburbs of Chicago and you’d be lucky to hire her for your event because she’s busy with her two kids and husband and can’t book herself as often as she’s sought after.
I often have guests read the question, but this week I’m having my producer Dave read it because it’s extra short and to the point.
Dear Nina,
How do you maintain a friendship with someone when the children’s friendship has ended? I have dealt with this a lot over the years, but have a particularly tough one right now as the mom is one of my closest friends and her daughter is being awful to my daughter now. They are in high school and were best friends until recently.
Signed, I Don’t Want to Lose My Friend
Notes from My Conversation With Taryn
Taryn and I discussed how adult friendships should be able to go through awkward times and times of “pivoting” without having to end the relationship. Kids’ friendships ebb and flow and the adult friendships don’t need to ebb and flow with them if the adult friendship is based on more than the kids’ relationships. But we also provided some tips for how to save the adult friendship, what someone could say to a friend, and when it’s best to stay out of it completely.
Kathleen, another woman I know and respect with older kids also had good advice.
“I have had friendships survive and flourish even if our children are no longer friends, but we acknowledged that our children were going in different directions. We each were able to feel awful, to try not to judge, to still love each other’s kids, and to reframe the friendship. You have to really want it, but it can be worth it. And one of the unanticipated outcomes is that sometimes, the kids become young adults and become friends again. But that is not the goal. The goal is to keep someone you enjoy and connect with in your life, as a person with the same values and who makes you laugh and the friendship is defined by you, not your kids.”
THE BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK:
This week we’re going to practice not getting on somebody else’s emotional roller coaster!
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