When Friends Ask You Questions You Don’t Want to Answer
Today’s episode is about the role of privacy in close friendships, the line between intimacy and privacy, the lines between white lies/ withholding information, and the right to keep some things to yourself–all with the hope of not hurting friends’ feelings. My guest is my mom, the queen of the artful dodge. We discuss how to manage these sometimes invasive (even when well-intentioned) conversations without making things awkward or adding unneeded tension. Spoiler alert: None of the above is easy!
My mom was also on episode #1 to discuss the friend who will only text.
And don’t forget to listen to the end of the show for the Better Friendship Goal Of The Week.
FIND THIS EPISODE ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN! You can also listen below.
This time the anonymous question is being read for us by Hallie Sawyer from Kansas City. Hallie is the creator of #TheAWEdLife, an online workshop and community for daily inspiration to live awake, well + empowered. I love following her on Instagram and Twitter. Hallie also stuck around to comment on this question towards the end of the episode.
Dear Nina,
I’m a woman in my early 50s and have a great crew of girlfriends, but one thing that bugs me is how open everyone is expected to be about all kinds of information. People talk in lots of details about how much everything costs when it’s pertinent to the conversation (not just to brag), where they’re planning to go on vacation, issues with their kids, and many other topics. I get and appreciate that a lot of this is a sign of comfortable and longstanding friendships and that I’m lucky to close friends in my life. But what if I want to, for example, get Botox and filler and not announce it to the world. If the group is talking about it while out one night and I don’t chime in to say, “Oh, I got it too and here’s where I go, etc.,” am I lying? Is withholding information lying? How much do I need to share in these close friendships? Is there a way to maintain some privacy and still feel like these friendships are intimate and that I’m equally sharing?
Signed, Needing some privacy
My mom and I discussed:
— boundaries and our right to have them
— changing the subject, being vague, “not remembering”
— other ways to send the cue you don’t want to have this conversation without having to utter the words, “I don’t want to have this conversation”
— To quote my mom, “You are not obligated to answer questions that you don’t want to answer.”
AND NOW FOR THE BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK:
This week let’s practice keeping a detail to ourselves. Okay, that’s really more for me, someone who struggles to not share EVERYTHING. But maybe one for my mom is the flip side of that–to practice holding back information just a tiny bit less.
Thanks for listening. And remember when our friendships are going well, we’re happier all around.
Thank you to producer, Dave Dluger.
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