[00:00:00] Pam: I think a lot of people, myself included, are afraid to reach out or hesitant to reach out because of what the reaction might be. But almost every single person I reached out to said to me, Thank you for initiating this

[00:00:21] Nina: Welcome to another episode of Dear Nina, Conversations about Friendship. I’m your host, Nina Bason. On each episode, I welcome a different guest to help me get into the nitty gritty of friendship, what works and what doesn’t, and all the little friendship dilemmas we don’t always say out loud.

Sometimes my episodes fall into the category of making friends, and sometimes, oftentimes it’s more about keeping the friends you already have. Today we’re in the Making Friends arena with an unusual and fun story.

My guest, Pam Lamp wrote to me about her unique project to very intentionally make new friends when she moved to Nashville more than six years now, Pam has explored one new thing every single day, and she writes about these discoveries at Who I met today, dot com. Welcome, Pam.

[00:01:09] Pam: Hi, Nina. Thank you for having me.

[00:01:12] Nina: I’m really excited to hear this story and I wanna tell listeners I don’t know this story already. As I was telling Pam before we started recording, sometimes I’ve read the whole book of my guest or I know their story. This is a situation where I really only know what I just told all of you that Pam moved to Nashville as an adult.

for reason, she’s going to tell us, decided to embark on this project. I was really excited to have her on the show because I get a lot of questions about making new friends and there’s not one right way to do it. But Pam has definitely learned a lot and been extremely intentional about it, as I said, and I really appreciate intentionality and not people sitting around and.

Well, how am I supposed to meet people and then they don’t actually do anything. So Pam did a lot of things. Pam, tell us about your story, but if you don’t mind starting with what your friendships were like before you moved, Where did you live? How old were you when you moved? Like all the details.

[00:02:06] Pam: All the background. I’d love to. I lived in Houston for 20 years. We had. There from California that was an easy move. My little boys were four and six and it was very easy to make friends in Houston because I took them to school. I took them to soccer practice. We had birthday parties and most of the friends I met revolved around their school.

So we lived there for 20 years. I had. Great friends. I had a bible study, a Mahjong group, a book club, birthday lunches, friends I got together with for happy hours. It was great. And as my kids got older, I wanted to do something. I’d been a stay at home mom and I’d love that, but I wanted to do something for myself and build something.

And then we moved and we moved. For my husband’s job, it was the right thing for us to do. I was 57 when we moved to Nashville, so I was at a very different point in my life, and it’s not so easy to make friends. I found when you don’t have. Little children to kind of encourage your friendships. So we moved to Nashville and I left behind, you know, all my friends and my infrastructure and my community and I didn’t know a soul.

oh, I did the standard setting up the internet in our new place and, , hooking up the cable and all of that. And then I thought, What am I gonna do? So somehow I came up with the idea of doing one new. in Nashville every day to help immerse myself into the community and make friends. I’m kind of a, an exercise oriented person.

I like homework assignments and accountability, and I thought, I’m just gonna do one new thing, and then that’ll make me feel like I’ve done something towards making new friends in the community.

[00:03:56] Nina: And it really has a twofold benefit actually cuz you get to know your city, this new place you’re living, how to get around and you get to meet people along the way. And I’m sure some things bore fruit and some didn’t to make friends. I also like that you pointed out what a robust social life you had before you left because like you knew what it was to. A crew like to have a, a whole crew of friends and one-offs, and I assume like a group in some ways, that can be so hard. It’s to start over at 57. when you told people about this project, were they supportive or did they think it would fizzle out?

[00:04:35] Pam: the only people I told were my husband and my two sons, because I did wanna be held accountable, but I really had no one else to tell. You know, I’d still talk to my friends in Houston and, they were supportive and encouraging, but I, I don’t think I told anyone about this. So I, googled and I went through the free magazines that you find.

Around town and just made a huge list of what I could do and plastered it all over my laundry room and I thought, Okay, I have nothing to lose. I’ll give it a.

[00:05:08] Nina: Can you tell us some of your favorite things, some of the things that weren’t so great.

[00:05:12] Pam: I went to different grocery stores. It’s a little bit easier when you’re in a new environment because everything is new and different. But I went to different grocery stores. I walked in different parks. I checked out different coffee shops, drove new routes home. Went to a bookstore.

That was the new thing for that day, but found out that they had several different book clubs and author events that they offered. And so I came back to those. I went to a cute fabric store and decided that I was gonna dig my. Old sewing machine out and try and make something. I went to an art supply store and wandered around for a while.

I volunteered at the Country Music Hall of Fame. If you’ve ever been to Nashville, you know how great that is.

I went to a lot of different exercise classes. Most places have programs where you can try one class for free to test out their facility, and I ended up joining the Y because they had a lot of different classes. I went to yoga and Pilates and Zumba and different weights classes, and a kettle ball class and.

A spin class. And of course, every time I went to a new exercise class, , that counted as a new thing for today. I think I became more intentional because as I drove home from the grocery store, I would see a place that I wanted to come back and pop in. A boutique or a coffee shop or a farmer’s market, or I went to Marine Week, I walked downtown and wondered among the tanks and the helicopters, and that was great fun.

And I will say that doing all these things, Was wonderful. I didn’t realize all the good that would come out of it at that time. I just thought that it gave me something else to focus on besides the fact that I didn’t have any friends,

As I was doing all these things, I was meeting people, but I wasn’t really developing friends.

But as I said, good things were coming out of it, which I was to find out later.

[00:07:19] Nina: Well, I think that’s an important point, and we should discuss that for a second, that there’s the difference between. Participating and forming a relationship, but you have to do part A before part B will come. I had, three women on, in their fifties, who are in my writing class, who talked about how they each signed up for the class.

Not to make friends, but it did happen eventually that people in the class form real friendships. But it’s not like it happens on day one. It’s like you have to keep going back to a place. You have to, even accept that for a long time. The relationship may just exist in the activity and that’s okay too.

And it kind of, Is a solution to a certain kind of loneliness. It’s not the kind of friendship in those beginning points where that person’s going to show up with food when somebody in your house is sick necessarily. Like that comes later. But it’s still nice to have familiar faces in a new town. my message to people is like, I think we have to be more open to, not every friendship has to be like the closest, closest friendship that there really is a place in our lives for.

Those more casual connections and certainly in a new city, that is the place to start. And if the expectation’s always gonna be like, I’m gonna have the closest of friends within a year, that’s maybe even unrealistic. I’m curious how some of the relationships did develop eventually, and how, Wait, how long have you been?

Six years. You’ve been

[00:08:42] Pam: Six years now.

[00:08:43] Nina: Yeah. That’s a good chunk of time. So you really could speak to.

[00:08:46] Pam: I kept doing one new thing and like I said, it gave me something else to focus on, but I did decide that I needed to up my game a little bit because I was meeting people. I wasn’t making friends. What you find out is people kind of have their groups by this age, and they’re nice, but. They don’t often welcome you into them,

and it’s not because they’re being mean

people. .

[00:09:15] Nina: So, Pam, I’m thinking about your life in Houston and I relate to everything you’re saying and I, I’ve really been on both ends of this cuz

, I was 23 when I moved to Minneapolis. And that’s still young, but it was like before kids and Minneapolis definitely can have a small town feel sometimes, or not always, but it’s not like such a transient place like Washington DC let’s say, where people are always coming in and outer New York, a lot of people grew up here and they have their friends and it took a while to break in.

I mean, I did eventually, and that’s a whole nother story. Told, I think, on this podcast, but now that I’ve been here 22 years, I can relate to the side of feeling like I have a lot of friends and it takes a lot for me to bring someone new in. I actually think I’m better at it than most because I’m extremely sensitive to this topic as somebody who’s been writing about friendship for seven, eight years and now doing the podcast for over a year, but I get actually in a, in a different way than I might have had I not moved.

And then live somewhere so long. that it can be hard when you already have a very established life and a very busy life to let someone in. Because our, our guards go up, our boundary, meter goes up and we kind of are like, Well, if I add this person in for a walk or I add this person in for a coffee, what about the five close friends?

I don’t even hardly see because I don’t have much time. So I think people get really, like you were saying, they’re not trying to be mean. It’s coming from a place of self protection. But it’s still, if you are the person trying to make. Whether something’s being mean or they’re just protecting their time, you still had the loneliness to contend with.

So how did you get past that?

[00:10:50] Pam: Well, I decided I would up my game a bit and I went to these exercise classes and started approaching people

[00:11:00] Nina: That’s so hard. I’m so proud.

[00:11:02] Pam: well, It was scary, but I would say, you know, I’d strike up a conversation and would you like to go get a coffee? And I did go get a coffee with three or four women on separate occasions Three of them didn’t really work. They’re fine to say hello across the yoga mat and how was your weekend too? But I knew that we, we weren’t going to be friends, but the fourth person who’s a dear friend of mine now, We clicked. She said, I’d like to have you and a couple of other friends over for a glass of wine so you can meet everyone.

And things started rolling from there. , one of the women I had coffee with, although we didn’t become friends, she invited me to, , to her house for one of these clothing presentations. you know, someone comes and hangs up all the clothes they’re selling and then people buy them, and I wasn’t really interested in that, but at this point I was getting desperate.

So I went and one of the women there was in a golf group I like to play golf, and she invited me and I’m still playing in that golf group.

So that was a big turnaround.

[00:12:09] Nina: yes, like one thing leads to another. Let’s go back to the four women you approached at different times in the exercise class. The one that it clicked with, and I’ve done a whole episode, I think it was number 16, but I’m not sure, just called friendship chemistry, and I talked all about that thing.

That’s sometimes is hard to. Understand because it’s similar to romance, like there is chemistry or there isn’t, and it’s not personal. Always, like you said, perfectly happy to say hi before class starts catch up. How was the weekend? Does it mean you need to get tickets together to go see an author who’s coming in town?

But there are these different levels of acquaintanceship, which still add to our lives. But this fourth person, what can you try to describe? Like what was it, How did you know what made that coffee? D.

[00:12:54] Pam: Very outgoing person, seemed very willing to welcome new people into her life. Very sociable. Empathetic. I think she tried to put herself in my shoes and feel like what it was like to move at 57 and leave everything behind and have to start your, not your life all over, but your,

Your friendship life.

all over.

she’s the kind of person who never forgets a birthday and she’s the one dropping cookies off if, if you have surgery or if you have a sick child or she’s just really good at that. I think she works very hard at friendship.

[00:13:32] Nina: I’m glad I asked that question. I did an episode recently with my mom, who is a somewhat recent widow. And I was talking about how wonderful her friends are and one of her friends responded, you know, nicely. She wasn’t trying to criticize me, but at all. But she was like, You know, I love the conversation with you and Nina.

And she’s like, One thing Nina didn’t say though is part of the reason you have so many good friends who have been there. It’s cuz you are a good friend. Like to my mom. And I think that’s a really important point. Like this woman works at being a good friend, your friend, and, but. She sounds like a special person, you know, cuz it, it takes a special person to bring more people into their already established lives and, as you said, I think empathy was the right thing.

It’s like, I’m glad we’re having this conversation like totally organically for you to have to really think about it. And it helps me think about it to help other people. The empathy for what it is to have to start your social life over. other people might have had it to a point like enough to like at least say yes to the first coffee.

That’s a message I really want listeners to get is that it is okay to have the one coffee on both sides. It’s okay to say yes to the one coffee and for it to also be the only coffee, like, just to give, give people a.

[00:14:49] Pam: It is. Okay. And I had other things that didn’t work out too. You know, I went to a few meetups, which were just not my, my thing. I met a woman in the elevator. and I live in a building and she suggested the local university women’s club. You didn’t have to be, affiliated with the university.

You just had to be. Interested in the university was how she put it. And for $35 a year you can join their women’s group. I said, I’m in, I’ll join. So they had a lot of different social events, book clubs and interest groups and they had Mahjong and a quilting group and all kinds of different things.

And I went to a few events and that was a good way to meet people. Again, not great friends. People that I was acquainted with, and it seemed like every single person I talked to, even if we didn’t end up being a friend, gave me a suggestion for the next step.

[00:15:48] Nina: Right. The whole one door leads to another and that really feels true. And the more you’re talking about this, I think about my own friend making. Venture here in Minneapolis and it’s exactly how it was. It’s like some things fizzled out. One thing led to another and some of the people I’m closest with now came through much more casual acquaintances at some point along the way.

that’s so normal and it’s great reminder that it’s important to try new things cuz it may not be that the people you meet at that thing are the bridge to the friendship, but it might be like you just don’t know if you don’t.

[00:16:21] Pam: Exactly. I think the whole experience made me a better friend

To people. Now that I look back on it, it was a great experience and I said that I, I learned a lot. Not really realizing it at the time, but because I was putting myself out there, I think I got a lot more confident, , less fearful to try new things, less anxious, and that served me well in other ways.

[00:16:47] Nina: Did your husband end up making friends through you?

[00:16:50] Pam: No, well, a couple. he plays golf in tennis, so he found friends that way and I think his friends started from work and branched out.

[00:17:02] Nina: Yeah, that makes sense. we shouldn’t skate over the helpfulness of having an activity like that, tennis, golf, but it still takes a little extra, like you need that next step. I play tennis. I’ve only started in the past, year and a half, so I’m still kind of new to the tennis community I love it.

I mean, I played as a kid until I was about 15 and then I picked it back up like a year and a half ago. And I love it. And I’m, you know, getting more involved and you do start to see the same people, especially if you join , an actual league, you start to see the same people. , but like we’re saying, it still takes that extra step to go from, this is the person I see in the tennis court to this is an actual friend.

And it takes time. It takes so much time. It, it really.

[00:17:44] Pam: And I think a lot of people, myself included, are afraid to reach out or hesitant to reach out because of what the reaction might be. But almost every single person I reached out to said to me, Thank you for initiating this, whether it worked out well or not, and we became friends. They all appreciated the, , chance to get.

[00:18:08] Nina: that’s so inspiring. And, and that’s right. People like to be reached out to, and if they don’t, they’ll say no, they’ll give you an excuse. So it’s not like everybody wants that, but the ones who are open to it will say yes at least once. And the ones who truly, truly, truly are closed are not gonna lead to a friendship anyway.

So it’s better that they probably let you know that on the early side. Is there anything else from your experience that you wanted to share that I haven’t asked?

[00:18:33] Pam: I’d love to tell you about the blog that I started

[00:18:38] Nina: Yes, please,

[00:18:39] Pam: because one night my husband poured me a glass of wine and said, Sit down. I wanna talk to you. And I thought, if he tells me that he wants to move again, I’m going to absolutely lose it. But I, I told you that I’d been wrestling with what I wanted to do.

I needed a passion project, if you will. All the while I was trying to find friends, I was still trying to figure out what I could or should do, And he had listened to me agonize about it and he said, Take income out of the equation. If you could do whatever you wanted to do, what would it be?

And I’d always thought, in terms of income, I need to do something that makes money. So when he told me to take income out of the equation, it was an easy response. I said, Oh, I’d go around and I’d interview people and I’d write their stories, he said, Then do it. Of course, I said, all the little voices started whispering to me and I said, Who’s gonna read it?

I’m not a writer. And he said, Who cares if that’s what you wanna do, just do it. And who cares if no one reads it? so I did. And it’s been just the greatest gift of my life. It’s definitely my passion project. I’ve met so many wonderful people that have just been gifts for me to meet. I don’t think if I hadn’t started.

The new thing every day project and develop some confidence to put myself out there that I would’ve ever embarked on that.

[00:20:00] Nina: They totally go hand in hand. This idea of who I met today and. Before that, like the activities, you did something new every day. Absolutely. Speak to each other. That makes a lot of sense to me. How do you find people to interview? Is it always somebody local? Tell me about that.

[00:20:15] Pam: people from all over I might read a book. I read The Lost to Path, the Carry. I’m a big reader and in that book, which I highly recommend, they talk about mud markers in London. And so I just went down the Google rabbit hole and found a mud larker in London who was willing to talk with me, and it was so interesting.

usually I interview people about things , I want to learn about, or I have a question about. But it’s been great fun and I’m still doing one new thing every day. So when I talk to a person like that, I count that as my new thing for that day.

[00:20:50] Nina: What are some of the new things you’ve done lately, like after six years? I mean, it’s

[00:20:54] Pam: Well, it, it seems like it would get harder, but it doesn’t, and they’re tiny things. I’ll make a new recipe. I’ll read a new book. I’ll buy a new food at the grocery store. I’ll drive a new route. I’ll meet someone Since I write the blog, there are always new technical things or techniques to discover. I’ll figure something new out on my phone. I’ll a ask someone to meet for coffee. , little things

[00:21:21] Nina: I’m glad you gave those examples. Cause yeah, there’s bigger ones like the asking for coffee and smaller ones like figuring out something on the phone. But it all enriches our lives. I really relate to. Tech piece of it. I mean, I had to teach myself how to edit the podcast, you know, all the techy thing.

And, and then 10 years before that, how to have a website. If you don’t wanna rely on other people all the time, you have to learn those things for yourself. And it does push you, doesn’t it,

[00:21:46] Pam: It does, It

enriches your life. It, it’s just wonderful. I think. And you know, there are days where I, it’s seven 30 or eight and I think, oh my gosh, I haven’t done a new thing today. One day, I brush my teeth left handed, or you know, just something silly.

[00:22:02] Nina: That’s gotta be good for the brain. And final question, are some of your newer friends, cause six years is still new, in the scheme of life, are they interested in. , your website and in this work you’re doing, and do they ever wanna do some of these new activities with you?

[00:22:17] Pam: Oh, they’re so supportive. Every once in a while I’ll get a call and a friend will say, Okay. I’m pretty certain because you like to try new things, that you’ll do this with me, so I’ll go to an art class with someone or, and they’ve been so supportive of my blog. Yes, cheerleaders.

[00:22:35] Nina: . And. Totally wonderful outcome of your project is now you are known as someone willing to do stuff. You can be a go-to person for these, , newer friends to call. Oh, Pam will do it. Pam will be up for that. I mean, that, that right there makes you a good friend and like such an add to your community.

So that’s, that’s wonder.

[00:22:55] Pam: Well, before Covid. I got a phone call from a friend in Houston and she said she had a friend that was moving to Nashville from Maryland and she said she doesn’t know anyone.

Would you help her out and show her around? And I thought, Oh, I’ve come full circle.

[00:23:12] Nina: You really have. Pam, thank you so much for coming and sharing your experience with me and with my listeners. I think it will really inspire other people I will have who I met today, dot com linked in the show notes so people can check out your website and also your social media accounts

[00:23:30] Pam: Thank you very much. I really enjoyed this and I appreciate the opportunity.

[00:23:34] Nina: Everybody come back in a couple weeks for our next episode. As I always say, when our friendships are going well, we are happier all around. See you soon.