[00:00:00] Nina: Welcome to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. I am your host, Nina Badzin. Every so often I do a solo episode. It’s usually related to a theme and the letters I’ve been getting. I get anonymous letters. You can find in the show notes where to write me. Or it’s about just some topic that’s been kind of getting to me.

And actually this one’s a combo because there has been a theme and a few of the letters. And it’s something that kind of I struggle with and gets to me too. I figured we’re going to combine them into one, but this is going in the letter spotlight category. I’ve done other letters like about getting along with your sister in law, other things you’ll have to go through the past episodes because off the top of my head, it’s hard to remember.

This is episode 121. I keep all my episodes really organized on my website. And you could see every single one of them, what they’ve been about. If you ever want to pitch the podcast to be a guest, that actually is a really important page to find. And you could generally find that by Googling dear Nina pitching guidelines.

And that will lead you to the page that has all the episodes listed. Although of course you can always find that by going to whatever app you’re listening to the podcast on right now, including YouTube. Let’s get to our topic, which is scheduling, making plans, and how to do that. I talk a lot in a lot of my episodes about being the planner, not waiting for people to issue invitations.

If this is your first episode of mine, that will be the first time you’re hearing that. If you have listened to the show probably even once before, certainly if they’ve heard it more than once, you know, that that’s something I harp on a lot, to not keep track of who reaches out first, because that is just a recipe for disaster.

Would it be nice if everyone reached out equally? Sure. I’m not denying that that would be nice, it’s just not how life usually works out. And so if you’re counting on that, waiting for that, judging all your friendships that way, you are probably more frustrated in your friendships than you have to be, which is really the point of view I come from to try to help you have happier, healthier friendships.

Now with these letters, it’s getting more specific, because the letters are already assuming that it is good to make plans. I actually appreciate that. Let’s get to those letters, Dear Nina. I love listening to your podcast and have tried to implement a lot of the practical steps you and your guests have recommended. I moved to a new town a few years ago, And I do feel like I have established some strong relationships. I’m always asking my local friends for plans or to hang out. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve texted, I’d love to hang out, miss you, or how are you? everyone is well intended, but of course we are all busy with life, kids, job, responsibilities. In fact, most people write back, miss you too, or yes, let’s hang out, but this goes back and forth and back and forth for a while with no concrete plan. I feel like I’m the one reaching out, but then nothing really happens. Any tips? Am I misinterpreting the situation?

And the listener responded with Trying in Texas. That was cute. I like when people do that. The next one is very related, so we’re just going to talk about them together. Hey Nina, I am someone who is very proactive in my friendships. I call people during my commute to work, catch up when I’m walking the dog and try to organize a girl’s dinner every other month.

I’ve been told I’m a connector and I think that’s true because I do enjoy when my friends become friends. pausing for a second. That’s almost like a whole other topic. Emma Nadler and I spoke about it a lot last week in episode 120 about how to be a more generous friend.

And one of them was about connecting your friends to each other. I will refer you to that episode last week’s episode. It’s 29 minutes. It’s six ways to be a more generous friend.

So anyway, back to the rest of this letter, which was more about scheduling. she said, I’ve been told I’m a connector. I think that’s true because I do enjoy when my friends become friends.

That said, I do feel like I’m always the one who is the person asking if November 26 would work, or how about we meet Sunday at 10 to go for a walk?

I will pop open my calendar right there and then. I wouldn’t mind if once in a while someone else did it. Do you think they’re just accustomed to me whipping out the dates all the time? I don’t mind being the planner, but sometimes I would like another person to throw out a time and place or initiate the dinner. I know it’s not a major problem in terms of friendship dilemmas, but I look forward to your opinion.

These are super relatable. The first one was about saying let’s hang out as a way of reaching out to someone, and this going back and forth all the time.

And the second one was somebody who does do that extra step of sending dates, but is frustrated that she’s the one doing it. This one didn’t sign it, but I’m going to call her calendar queen because she is our calendar queen. So we’ve got trying in Texas, who is Is doing the reaching out doesn’t seem to be upset that much about being the one to reach out, but I would say she is doing that is not working is she should be throwing out some dates.

So she says, you know, my misinterpreting the situation, meaning like she’s writing to people, let’s hang out. I miss you. And they’re responding and they’re saying, I miss you too. And let’s hang out. But what she’s not doing is sending dates. And what our calendar queen is doing well is sending dates. But calendar queen is saying it would really be nice if someone else would send the dates, sometimes, at least.

I relate very much to the second one. I feel like people will reach out to me and be like, we should get together, and they really mean it. And they will even go as far as to say, send me dates. And I’m thinking, if you reached out to me, I think you should send the dates.

Now, I’m not saying this is a rule. This isn’t like an etiquette rule that I read somewhere. I’ve never seen like an Emily post about who should send the dates. In fact, I probably should have looked that up before this episode. Is that an etiquette thing that exists out there? Listeners, if you know the answer to that, let me know.

I’m not saying people would follow it necessarily. There isn’t a right or wrong in my opinion. There’s just what works and doesn’t work with the people in your life. If it doesn’t work, then it’s wrong. something could be technically right, in terms of the quote unquote etiquette book, but if it’s not working, meaning you aren’t seeing your friends, you feel lonely, you feel like you never have anything to do, then whatever method you’re doing, whether it is technically right or wrong is not working, therefore it’s wrong.

What would work better. I actually think Calendar Queen, our second question, is doing it right by not just saying to a friend Want to go for a walk? It is better to say how is Sunday at ten. And it gives the other person the opportunity to say that doesn’t work How about this time. Calendar Queen also says, Do you think they’re just accustomed to me whipping out the dates all the time? That’s the part I related to the most. I I think probably yes, and I think I’ve probably gotten people in my life used to that as well. Like I said, this is the question I relate to so much.

I tend to send the dates out a lot because I’m trying to fast forward the inevitable thing that happens from the first letter. trying in Texas with the, I miss you and let’s hang out and we should do something or let’s get together. I’d like to skip all that. And I like to just go straight to a date, even if it’s like a month away.

I might open my calendar right away and see like, when can I go for a walk? When can I make a dinner plan? Whether it’s just us or this couples or whatever. And it may not be for four weeks, five weeks, even six weeks, but I will put out a date to show that I genuinely mean it. I’m not going to just say I miss you or let’s hang out and not send a date. But it is tiresome to be the one who always takes out the calendar. So I guess for me, I don’t mind sending the date because it gives me an opportunity, number one, to show my friend, I actually mean it. I do want to see you. It gives me a chance to get the message out of my inbox. I don’t like to take something out of my inbox, whether it’s text or email, if I haven’t addressed it in some way.

to me, addressing it is you’re tying the loose end of making a date of some kind. I don’t really like to wait for other people I like to just be proactive and do it myself I guess for me my pet peeve is I don’t like when somebody reaches out to me and then asks me for dates Am I alone in that?

Maybe that’s strange, but I think that the labor of making plans, the hard part of making plans is taking your calendar out. It is honestly a pain. It’s time consuming to open your calendar, figure out where there is a hole of some kind where you can slot someone in. I don’t mean cause like I have such a busy social calendar.

I have, you know, handful of kids here and like everyone else, you know, we all have things going on. trips planned or things that are coming, family coming in town, all kinds of stuff on the calendar. And so to go in there and be like, okay, on this one Wednesday, I’m not teaching, I’m not recording. I’m not, you know, I have no other appointments.

This would be a great day to do lunch or a walk. So I will suggest that one. If I’m the one reaching out for plans. But if somebody reaches out to me and says, I’d love to get a walk in the calendar, send me dates. Now I have to go on the calendar. I have to look through all my stuff. I much prefer if someone sends me dates, right?

You want to go for a walk, send me dates and then I can just look at those dates. I don’t have to look at weeks of dates on my calendar to see what’s free. Am I making sense? Does this sound like I’m just like the most type A person ever? As I hear myself talking, I realize this may not be relatable, but to answer the letter more specifically, letter number one, trying in Texas says, I feel like I’m the one reaching out, but then nothing happens.

Am I misinterpreting the situation? It’s hard to know if trying in Texas is misinterpreting, meaning, , she’s saying let’s hang out and the other person says, yeah, let’s hang out. If you send dates and they don’t pick one of those dates or offer a new one, then yes, it’s possible you’re misinterpreting.

If they right away, write back with whether that date works that you suggested or suggests new ones, then you’re not misinterpreting. And then there doesn’t have to be any mystery here. It really is the best way to know. I will go ahead and in this case, stop with the miss you. Let’s do something. Can’t wait to see you some time. And actually put a date on the calendar.

With the calendar queen, if calendar queen, if you are the one always sending dates and it really is truly like, you’re not exaggerating. It’s truly always you, whether or not you reach out first if they reach out first, I think it’s okay to say to a close friend. Hey, do you mind sending me dates this time?

I would even be honest and say I feel like I always open my calendar first and Sometimes it’s easier just to look at the date someone else suggests and I’m sure that friend would be like, oh, yes No problem. They probably are just used to you doing it and this is advice I’m going to give to myself too. I actually did do that a couple months ago.

Somebody sent me a text and said send me dates for a walk and I kind of whipped it back because I usually send the dates and she had reached out to me first. So I kind of was like, Hey, how about you send the dates? And she did no big deal. if she was miffed at all, I certainly don’t know about it.

If we got nothing else clear on this episode, it’s that being the person who opens the calendar and sifts through your schedule is hard work. So if your friend’s always the one who does it, I think it would be nice if you did it once in a while.

And if you are trying to have plans and reach out to friends and really be busier than you are, then sending out dates is a really good way to do it. if the person will not commit to a date, it doesn’t mean necessarily that they don’t want to get together and maybe somebody who struggles to get themselves organized. It almost doesn’t matter why the person’s not making a date with you. If you wanna stay busy and be seeing friends, I wouldn’t spend too much time analyzing why they’re not committing. They’re not committing. So then you move on to the next person.

I want to end with something positive, because I feel like this has been a little bit of, somewhat negative episode. I, I hope it’s not negative. I actually hope it’s helpful, but I feel like I’m being a little whiny. Episode 116 was with Allison Gilbert, who wrote the joy of connections with Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She had a page in there that I love, and I’m just going to read to you. It’s page 48 of The Joy of Connections and a little section called lose count. this is, Dr. Ruth’s story, written with Allison and it’s Dr. Ruth’s point of view.

And it says, “When Miriam was a baby and I was a single mother, I had no money for a babysitter in order to go out with family or friends. My solution was to throw parties in my apartment. The remedy was so simple and successful that I continued to host gatherings in my living room, long after Miriam was an adult. Larry Angelo, my wonderful cohost on Lifetime’s, Good Sex with Dr. Ruth Westheimer and other TV shows remembers them well. ‘Everyone brought things to eat and drink and you’d call them bring something parties.’ He fondly recalled as we reminisced for this book. Time and again, I’d offer up my home. I made myself a perpetual hostess. If you’re always the one initiating plans, whether to organize a small gathering or a large family reunion, it’s easy to get resentful and say, enough. I understand the desire to count how many times your invitations go unreciprocated, but I encourage you to change your thinking.

Your payback isn’t a future dinner at your relative’s house. Your payback is having the opportunity to strengthen your connections right now on your own timetable. We can never understand what’s going on behind a relative’s closed doors. Maybe your cousin is self conscious about her home. Perhaps the expense of hosting, providing drinks and anything else, is a bit too much. At the end of the day, decide to be a host because it makes you feel less isolated. Don’t even think about being invited anywhere, ever. Try to focus on the upside, having relatives to spend time with and enjoying their company.”

So, that was about hosting in the home, but it’s really about more than that. It’s about accepting your role in your social life. That’s what it’s about to me, and it’s something I talk about so much on this show.

You want to have plans, then you make plans. You want it to happen on a certain date, then you suggest that date. You want it to happen on a certain time of day, so it doesn’t matter what day, but you only like to get together in the morning, or you only like to get together in the evening, then you’re the one who throws out the dates, and you don’t keep track too much that it’s always you.

If they say yes, that’s where I add, my, dear Nina, two cents. Obviously, that’s as long as the person continues to say yes or suggest other dates if you don’t. With Dr. Ruth’s attitude in mind, I’m personally going to try to let go of the irritation I sometimes feel and being the one who always suggests dates and appreciate that my friends say yes and that if they can’t, they suggest another one and appreciate the friends who do send out dates because some do.

I hope that this helps other people as they’re going to make plans, realize that it’s not helpful to just say, let’s get together. It’s not helpful to just say, I miss you. I would follow it up with more specific plan making. for the second letter, if you’re the person who is always, suggesting the dates, I do think, like I said earlier, it is okay to just be honest with your friend and say, you know, I would love a break sometimes of being the one to go through all the, options of when we could possibly get together.

If you could throw me some dates, that’d be great. See how that goes. it’s possible it won’t go well, but hopefully it will. I think it probably will. That is our letter spotlight of the week. It’s been a very busy time around here. I just had my fourth child’s bar mitzvah. two girls, two boys.

So this was child number four. It was a really, really wonderful weekend. I appreciated having a time to be with family and friends and celebrate good things in life. We have to stop and do that because if we don’t, what’s the point, right? We, we got to celebrate these good times with the people that mean something to us.

I enjoyed this one more than all the other ones, I think. Sorry to the other kids, but I’m a little older now, a little wiser and a little less frantic about details that just don’t even matter that much in the end. With that, I have lots of fun interviews coming up that I can’t wait to share with you. So I will see you soon. When our friendships are going well, we are happier all around. You know how when you listen to a podcast, the host always asks you to review it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you listen.

Apple seems to matter the most. It makes a difference when someone goes to the search bar, if they put in friendship and they wanna hear things about friendship, if a podcast has a lot of reviews and stars, that is what gets shown. I am on my way with some great reviews, but of course I could always use more.

So if you have enjoyed this episode or any other episode, I would so appreciate if you would take the time to do that. One other really helpful thing, is to just share it with a friend. The third thing I’d say is share it on social media, actually there is a fourth thing. I am on Substack at conversations about friendship where I have a free newsletter and once a month I have a paid version, which is where I take the anonymous questions I receive and give my full thought out answer. Thank you for considering all of that. I appreciate your time and I hope I’ll see you again next week. Bye.