Nina: [00:00:00] Offering subtle, different ways to get together , suggesting, Hey, do you want to go for a walk when it’s someone that you’ve only ever texted with? That’s a jump and that’s a generous invitation.
It’s a way to get closer without making a big giant deal about it. I think that venue change is so powerful. It might be one of the most powerful and actually somewhat easy challenges. Welcome to Dear Nina, conversations about friendship. I’m so glad you’re here. You are joining me for episode 1 44. That is the May Challenge of 2025. I do a monthly challenge on here. They’re short episodes to give you concrete ideas to improve your friendships. usually some combination of making new friends, feeling closer to the friends you already have, which is a huge key to friendship as you get older.
This month’s challenge that I’m calling the secret power of changing the venue in friendship is about getting closer to one or two [00:01:00] people who are already in your life. I want to be clear that this challenge is not just for making new friendships, go a little deeper. It is also for revitalizing old friendships. That’s why it is such a secret power, this changing the venue can do both things.
It can make you feel closer to somebody that is just a casual friend right now, and it could make a revitalized friendship out of someone who’s been a really good friend in the past. Maybe you guys have just been doing the same old thing for many, many years and it’s time to try something new.
We have a lot of people in our lives that are already people we like, but maybe we are just not as close to them.
So it’s not always about going out to find new friends. It’s thinking about who is already in your life that you could make a closer friend. And please note that I am not using the term best friend on purpose. I often say we are not looking for a best friend, looking for deeper, better friendships. That’s all. It is a lot of pressure to be on the search for a best friend. I [00:02:00] really don’t advocate that for adults or really any age.
This month’s challenge that I’m calling the secret power of changing the venue in friendship is about getting closer to people who are already in your life. What do I mean by changing the venue?
Venue quite literally would be the place. I don’t only mean the place, although that is an option that we will get to. It’s also the way you get together. an example would be if you have a friend, like maybe a neighbor that you always go on a walk with, changing the venue might mean just sitting on one of your porches or balconies at an apartment for coffee or to chat, not walking. It’s just a new way of getting together.
But it could be a new place. An example of changing the venue that would be a new place would be with a coworker. So let’s say there’s someone you like at work, you get along, you joke around sometimes. You feel like there’s good vibes there between the two of you. But that friendship is not actually going to form, if it never leaves the office.
So that would be an example of where you do need to literally change the place. Maybe you need to go to [00:03:00] lunch, you need to do something after work. An example of changing the venue that is not literally a place is that perhaps if you feel doing something together outside of the office is too much for this month, my challenge to you would be to push it to text in between. Something more personal like that outside of work that isn’t as far as going out to lunch or dinner or out for a drink or something. But it’s more than just seeing each other in the office. That would be a next level, of taking that friendship just a step further. There’s so many examples of changing the venue.
I’m going to give you a few more, but then we’re going to talk about why this helps. because I think that’s important. Is there a friend that you always text with? You find yourself smiling or you even help each other on bigger things over text? Well, maybe it’s time to take that to a phone call here and there.
I’m not talking about every day. I know a lot of people really hate the idea of talking on the phone. Doesn’t have to be a daily phone call. But breaking up the text every so often with an actual phone call would push that friendship in a different direction. What if you have a friend you only talk on the phone to but [00:04:00] never text?
That’s probably pretty rare these days, but if that exists, throwing in some text, sending funny memes once in a while, show them you’re thinking about them. Would take that friendship to another step.
Do you have a social media friend that you are constantly sending each other Instagram or TikTok memes back and forth that are funny? It shows you really get each other. You get each other’s humor. But if it stays there, if it’s only sending memes, if you never see each other in person or text off of social media, email, phone call, it’s not going to ever move beyond.
This assumes that there are friendships out there that are casual, that you would like to deepen a little bit. Obviously, if you are happy as is with the people you have in mind, then this challenge doesn’t apply to that relationship. because I’m imagining someone writing to me and saying, I like things as they are.
Then you have nothing to do for this one. This challenge is for somebody who finds that they Really do wish they had a couple closer friends in their life, or they’ve identified people they enjoy, which is, a positive spin on it. There’s people out there that you might just really like. I like that person. I [00:05:00] have a feeling we’d be better friends, but you’ll never know if you don’t change the venue. So again, that is the place or the way that you communicate from text to phone call, from phone call to getting in person. maybe if you are always having a meal with this particular person, then you try a walk or try going to a museum, try volunteering together, going to a fundraiser together. Maybe the two of you want to join a board that’s local that could use your help.
There are four ways that changing the venue will make you feel closer to someone that you just have a nice, casual, easy friendship, acquaintanceship. Maybe it’s not even quite a friendship yet. How does it make you feel closer?
Number one, it refreshes the energy. This works for new friends and old friends, so I want to be clear on that. This could be maybe your old friendship that’s feeling a little bit on the stale side.
That happens. changing the venue, signing up for a class, going to a museum, doing something completely different will make that energy fresher. it’s how you can deepen a new friendship, and it’s how you can make an old [00:06:00] friendship refreshed.
The second reason changing the venue can change the way your friendship is working, is that it shifts what might be ingrained dynamics even with a new friendship. Oftentimes I hear from people who feel that they’re always the ones who host or they’re always the ones that reach out.
If you decide to sign up for a class with this friend, well now you don’t need to host, or you don’t even really need to reach out first because this thing is on the calendar. Maybe you start a book club with this person, or a cooking club or any other kind of club. It doesn’t have to be a class that is at some sort of institution.
I’m thinking like an art class or a paddle ball class. Or a pickle ball or something where you have to go somewhere. Maybe it’s something that different people take turns hosting, like cooking or book clubs or any other kind of discussion, but it takes the pressure and the power away from just the one person who has to plan. It just shifts those ingrained dynamics.
And this definitely works for older friendships where it can feel very same, same over time. The way you guys talk, the way you hang out, it always initiates a certain [00:07:00] way. if you do something new, go somewhere else. Maybe you want to try a trip, uh, with an old friend.
Maybe you haven’t traveled in a long time with this person. That would really change the venue, both in the very literal sense. You’d be going somewhere else Maybe you’re sharing a room that would be something you haven’t done in a long time with this person.
It could be an interesting way to see how that friendship can change a bit for the better. So number one was it revitalizes the energy of the friendship. Number two, it could shift ingrained dynamics. And number three, it does invite deeper and a different kind of connection. I mean, I don’t even know if this is fair to call this a separate category because it really just encompasses everything I’m talking about.
But walking side by side when you’re on a walk is different than sitting face to face at a restaurant. Both have benefits, by the way, if you’re always walking, and you’re never face to face, I think that would feel stale after a while. And vice versa. It doesn’t have to be an exercise walk.
It could be exploring a neighborhood, um, shopping around a new part of town, going to a new bookstore [00:08:00] together and trying to give lots and lots of ideas here for ways that you can try something new with someone you already know. Old friend or new friend.
And again, with this inviting of a deeper or a different connection, you might see a side of your friend you’ve never seen. What if you sign up for a pottery class? What if you do go volunteer together and you’re able to see your friend giving back? Maybe you’ve never seen that before. Maybe you know your friend to be a generous and helpful person in theory, but maybe you’ve never seen it with your own eyes. Going together to, in a completely different environment, to do a different activity would deepen that connection and change it slightly.
Number four, changing the venue, whether it’s how you communicate or where you hang out, could be a way to honor a change in life that otherwise might have made the friendship go towards an end. perhaps somebody has a kid, they have a career shift, so another hours are totally different. They are now caregiving for older parents, or not available the same way they used to be.
They have new worries. Changing the way that you communicate might honor that life change. So [00:09:00] somebody who was often available for a walk on a weekend morning, maybe now they need to spend that time caring for a parent.
What can you do to help suggest a change of venue. Hey, how about instead of walking on Saturday mornings, I noticed that you’re really not available anymore, we set up a phone call on Wednesday evenings when we’re each on our own. We’re each walking on our own, we’re each making dinner, and that’s just a good time to check in, something like that.
Or you suggest once a month that you do some sort of fun meal out together. It’s acknowledging that what used to be a weekly get together might now be a monthly get together instead. That might seem like changing the venue for the negative but it’s not because it’s once a month instead of never.
So I hope I provided a lot of ideas in here, ways that you could change the way you get together. The bottom line is that changing the venue in your friendship is a way to quietly nurture a friendship without making a big issue of needing a change. Both a positive issue and a negative issue.
So it might be an issue of you need a change, you feel things are stale, or it might be you’re [00:10:00] trying to get closer to the person. You don’t necessarily want to say, Hey, I want to get closer to you. It’s a way of demonstrating closeness instead of stating it, which might be hard and awkward. It might be awkward to receive a message like that from somebody.
Not always. I mean, it really depends on the situation, and you might. need to try things out, see how it feels. Offering subtle, different ways to get together , suggesting, Hey, do you want to go for a walk when it’s someone that you’ve only ever texted with? That’s a jump and that’s a generous invitation.
It’s a way to get closer without making a big giant deal about it. I think that venue change is so powerful. It might be one of the most powerful and actually somewhat easy challenges. Not quite as easy as April’s challenge, which was to just write your friend’s birthday in your calendar.
There were some harder challenges earlier in the year. All the challenges will be linked in the show notes. You can see how I explained them on Substack in my newsletter, which is at Dear Nina dot. substack.com. Again linked in the show notes, the previous episodes for [00:11:00] January, February, March, and April will be linked in the show notes. I hope to hear from you.
A lot of times people report back in the Facebook group, which you can find on Facebook by searching Dear Nina, the group also linked in the show notes. That is a place to come report back. How did it go? Did you try it? Did it fail? Did it succeed?
Was it maybe half a step forward and that’s okay. We’re all there together to help each other out. What I love about the Facebook group is I’m only one of many people who offer advice and comments to other people’s situations. I’m in charge only so much that I’m the moderator and I keep things organized, but I really see it as
a group of a community of listeners who are all interested in the topic of friendship. Either they’re just interested in general in this topic, or they’re working on friendships in their own life in lots of different ways. I invite you to join us there. I will see you next week with another interview.
It won’t be just my voice. I try to break it up like that, come back when our friendships are going well. We are happier all around. [00:12:00] Thanks.
