A Letter to my Newly-Engaged Self

A Letter To My Newly Engaged Self

DECEMBER 3rd, 2010 . . . delivered via pixie dust or Marty McFly’s DeLorean to ME in January 2000

Dear newly-engaged-JUST TURNED-23-year-old ME,

Let’s face it, you’re basically a child. You’ve been out of college for six months. And you’ve known this guy, what? A year? But wait, I don’t want to scare you. This is the best decision you ever made. Still, the road will be easier with 33-year-old ME here on your tenth anniversary taking the time to give YOU some advice.

CHANGING YOUR NAME

I know you’re excited about losing your maiden name. Because no offense to Dad and generations of Sackheims dating back to 17th-century Russia, but Sackheim is a mouthful. Do NOT get overly excited about moving up in the alphabet though. It’ll have no bearing on your life. Or your kids’ lives. Oh yeah, you have three kids. And Bryan wants carloads more. Speaking of carloads, you drive a mini-van. It’s hideous, but fully loaded with satellite radio, which new technology, giving you constant access to Howard Stern.

two hands grasping one with engagement ring

But back to changing your name.

The truth is you’ll soon move to Bryan’s hometown. Once you’re married, nobody in Minneapolis will have known you as Nina Sackheim, making you feel as if you were plucked from a cabbage patch, raised in a lab, then tossed into the world all shiny and new. Don’t despair! When a guy named Mark Zuckerberg invents Facebook, every person who knew you, looked at you, and stood near you as a Sackheim will turn into your friend. (And by friend, I mean “friend.” Trust me, this lingo will roll off your tongue.)

REGISTERING FOR WEDDING GIFTS

Considering you’ve never prepared a meal or hosted a party, you have no business wandering around Marshall Fields picking out presents. (It’s a second-rate Macy’s now.) And why is Bryan there with you? He knows even less. But if you insist on this tradition, why are you asking for so many platters? Bowls, Nina! Don’t forget the serving bowls. And not the huge ones! Do you know how many pounds of fruit salad it’ll take to fill up a bowl like that? You don’t, and that’s my point.

See if you can convince your friends and family to give you an I-OWE-U for a later date. Because in five years, you’ll actually love cooking. In eight years you’ll host large Shabbat dinners every Friday night. (Yes, YOU.) And then you will wander aimlessly around Sur la Table cursing your 23-year-old self for squandering your best chance of owning the most sensible stuff for your kitchen. For free.

YOUR WEDDING DRESS

That fancy place in Chicago where you bought your dress? It’ll close down soon after your wedding in a flurry of scandal. You won’t be surprised and here’s why: After your hair and make-up are perfect, you will put on the dress only to discover a broken zipper. Mom will cry. Bryan will wait over an hour and start worrying. A complete stranger will sew you into the dress. You’ll practice walking down the aisle to make sure it stays up. It does. But a dress with a real zipper would’ve been swell. M’kay? See what you can do.

The Kids

There is so much more I want to tell you like how to make the most of marriage before kids, and how to make the most of marriage WITH kids. But we’ll discuss that later. For now enjoy your brief stint as a fiance. Oh, and would you mind writing in a journal every day? In six years you’ll decide to get serious about the writing thing, and you’ll wish you had some real adult memories to steal for your fiction. Those boy-crazy journals from high school aren’t helping one bit.

xoxo, Me


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Nina Badzin hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. She's been writing about friendship since 2014, co-leads the writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, and reviews 30+ books a year on her website.

52 Responses

  1. Happy anniversary! You were a beautiful bride…memorable entrance coming down the stairs. The band was fantastic. Such a fun weekend! And such a thoughtful bride to select the only bridesmaid dress that could (and in my case would) be worn multiple times.

  2. Oh happy day! Congrats and keep celebrating the sweet stuff that makes you laugh-fixed zippers, adequate cookware and defiant entertainment in your flag-waving Mom minivan. 🙂

  3. Congratulations on 10 wonderful years–I hope you’re going on a trip or something wonderful!

    Here’s another piece of advice from my wedding: Don’t let your aunt get drunk and put dollar bills down the bartender’s pants… they’ll shut the bar down early and everyone will go home.

  4. This is delightful! Can’t wait for the next installment! Also, you should watch out for the next time Creative Nonfiction calls for blog posts to publish in the journal. This has to be a contender (unless there’s some exclusionary themed call!).

    1. Erika! Hi! This was tied up in spam for some reason. Thank you for the tip. I’ve only kept my eye on fiction submissions, but I’ll for sure try and expand. I wish they were on Twitter. Ugh. Easiest way to stay informed on calls for submissions!

  5. This is why I love you. Most people write cheesy letters to their husbands. Not you! Love it. Also – your wedding was amazing….oh wait …. 🙂 xoxoxo HAPPY ANNY!

    1. Shari- Thanks!

      Bec- I know, I know. I’ll find a way to make good post out of US. And as for a cheesy letter to Bry. uh-oh. But I won’t write a mean one to him either. 🙂

  6. I’m pretty sure your newly engaged self would’ve ripped up the letter and tossed it out after reading the part about a minivan.

    And yes, I too, drive a minivan. And no. I will not call it a swagger wagon. It is what it is: a minivan.

    Congrats on 10 years!

  7. Amy- Thank you!!! And see you soon for some dreidel action at school!

    Jack- Thank you so much! So glad we’re twitter friends now. And I found Fruhme Sarah from your blog too. So thanks for that!

    Jill- I think I went numb or something . . . didn’t even cry . . . I didn’t love the idea of walking down the aisle in the black pants suit I’d worn to the rehearsal dinner, but that was the back up plan. Can you imagine!?!?

    Nancy- You’re the best! Love you!

  8. Very very funny and creative. By the way, Howard Stern keeps me sane. I listen to Howard Stern in the car and on the internet every minute I am in the office or in front of a computer.

  9. Happy 10 years to one of the greatest couples I know. This is another hilarious post that once again demonstrates your skill as a writer. You are so talented (and I am not just saying that because I am name checked in this post) and I know you have a great career ahead of you. Please tell bryan – to us!!! Xoxo

  10. Nina! Again – I am laughing, I am crying – I LOVE IT!!! (And you!) Happy 10th anniversary to both you and Bryan! XOXO

  11. Jesse!! So fun to see you on here. Remember how I love Old School and can say every line? I have a strange sense of humor that way! Glad to know we can talk about Howard.

    Jenni, we have to figure out when to celebrate our anniversary?

    Jorie, I love when you happy cry!

    Debbie, I know, seriously. There should be a mandated time before people can register.

  12. Nina,
    Love the post, and love that picture of bryan sitting next to the table.
    Congrats on 10 years! I still remember that wonderful weekend when you and Bryan took care of me and my siblings. George of the Jungle…book stores…cheesecake factor…could I ask for anything more?
    Miss you and the family!

  13. What a fun post! I have soooo many things I wish I could tell my newly engaged self…but I probably would have ignored the advice anyway. I thought I had it all figured out then. I. WAS. SO. WRONG. 😉

    Happy Anniversary!

  14. Very funny, and so true! I’ve been married for 9 years and I still have an unopened KitchenAid mixer from my registry that I thought was sooo important at the time.

  15. Ari- You’re so sweet! Bryan and I remember that weekend too! And by the way, your blog is beyond gorgeous. Congrats on success in such a short time!

    Amanda, We’re always too smart for our own good aren’t we!?

    Emily, Thank you!!! My kids love watching that hora on the video. I think it was almost on hour! Oy vey!

    Dina, Thanks so much for visiting! Ok, you have to open the KitchenAid if you ever make cookies or bake ANYTHING. It is THE BEST!!! I’m not kidding!

  16. Nina-I remember the broken wedding dress zipper episode a little differently. I got tears in my eyes, and you said-“Mom if you fall apart-what am I supposed to do?”. You were always wise-then and from the time you were a little girl. One of your bridesmaids called Barneys- which was not the place where we got the dress-and they sent a seamstress over to sew you up.

    I called the actual bridal store on Monday,-you know the fancy place on Superior St that is closed on Sundays-the day of your wedding. And they offered to make a pillow out of your dress. I think I still have it in the attic if you want it. It was not very satisfactory-no refunds-nothing useful.They also offered a 15% discount on a future dress. Needless to say-we didn’t use them when your sister got married.

    It is hard to believe you and Bryan have been married ten years. Dad and I are proud of your many accomplishments. Happy Anniversary. Love, Mom

    1. Thank you, Mom!!! I’m still shocked that I held it together. I always knew that Bryan was more important than anything else (dress, etc.). That, and I knew ruining the make-up wasn’t going to make things better.

      And actually, I have that dumb pillow in my linen closet. Not sure what to do with it.

  17. Wow – big question from my POV, especially considering that I’ve gotten married….twice. First time around was thta way-too-young-madly-in-love-and-naive time when I asked myself no questions at all other than, when are we going to tie the knot? Second time, completely disillusioned, I asked every question in the book and came up with no answers. And we’re not talking bridal registry questions or etiquette. We’re talking: what is the meaning of marriage and life?

    Twelve happily married-the-second-time-around years later, with two beautiful sons, I still ask those questions ever day!

    1. Sharon, I agree . . . it’s a very big question and my post for sure takes a very LIGHT look at it. I have a part I and part II in mind to delve a bit deeper. It’s good to keep asking the questions. Marriage is hard work AND a work-in-progress.

  18. I am enjoying your blog and especially this post! I remember that you registered for very nice pots and pans (Allclad???) and who knew 10 years ago you’d morph into chef (AND spouse, Mom, writer) extraordinaire? Not surprised, really—I’ve sensed you were a magical and talented soul.

  19. Lynette and Erika- THANK YOU!!

    Barbara- Yes! The pots and pans are great! Those plus the good knives are the most sensible things I own. And your note is so sweet. You’re not biased or anything, right? 😉

  20. Nina-
    I saw your link on facebook! I love, love, love your blog! I was laughing out loud reading this post. I got married when I was 22. I so wish I could re-register for my 10 year Anniversary. I hate ALMOST everything I picked out back then. I had NO clue what I was doing. The best part is that I let my Husband pick out our china. WHAT WAS I THINKING???? Let’s just say we never get that out!
    Can’t wait to follow your blog!

    1. Thank you Shanna!!!!! Seriously, you let your husband pick out the china. Oy vey! 😉 You can subscribe to the blog by the way and get posts in your inbox. I only update 1-2 times a week so you won’t be swamped with stuff from me. So glad you found me!

  21. LOVE!! Happy belated 10th anniversary! You’re an inspiration to my newly married self. I loved your wedding (will never forget that band) and had no idea you had been sewn up until later.

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Hi, I'm Nina

HI, I’M NINA BADZIN. I’m a writer fascinated by the dynamics of friendship, and I’ve been answering anonymous advice questions on the topic since 2014. I now also answer them on my podcast, Dear Nina! I’m a creative writing instructor at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a freelance writer and editor, and an avid reader who reviews 50 books a year. Welcome to my site! 

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Hi, I'm Nina

DEAR NINA: Conversations About Friendship is a podcast and newsletter about the ups and downs of adult friendship. I’m the host, Nina Badzin, a Minneapolis-based writer who accepted a position as a friendship advice columnist in 2014 and never stopped. DEAR NINA, the podcast, started in 2021, and has been referenced in The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Time Magazine, The Guardian, The Chicago Tribune, The Minneapolis Star Tribune, and elsewhere! 

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