On November 18th, 2010, I published my first blog post. Every year since, on or around November 18th, I’ve written about why I started the blog and what I’ve learned that might help others. I put those posts along with all the other ones about writing, blogging, and social media on one organized page. (It’s an extremely helpful page and one of the most popular ones here. Check it out!)
This year November 18th came and went without the typical hoopla or even a mention. I worried that at six years, I should have something more significant to announce than my site still being around. Perhaps a book deal should have happened by now. Perhaps by year six I should have stumbled on some specific and sensible niche for this site rather than circling around the same four or five topics without committing to any particular one.
I came down with a case of “the shoulds.” You ever catch that virus?
I’ve struggled since November 18th (and at other times this past year) with that voice of doubt who questions everything I’m doing. The voice ignores the fact that I never thought I could be writer yet I have six years worth of published essays on other sites and in print, six years of book reviews, and work published in anthologies. She ignores the published short stories and the more recent work I’ve especially loved, such as two years of friendship advice columns and the fabulous local writing group I run with my close friend, Julie. The voice ignores that I like having a blog and freelancing for other sites and do not feel ready or interested in committing to a book-length project.
Julie suggested I give “that voice” a name so that I can tell it by name to shut up when I need to. I love the idea, and I’m still working on a good one for her. Or him? No, her. A man would be kinder.
Sometimes the inner critic is helpful though. She knows when I’m not pushing myself in a particular piece, and that kind of “should” has its use. I rely on her when I’m editing and should thank her, by name. But I need her to leave me alone in the draft phase. And when she calls into question who I am and what matters to me, then she needs to be put in her place.
My critic, that nameless voice, disregards more than the writing I’ve done and enjoyed. She ignores my husband, my four kids, my extended family, my house, my friends near and far, the volunteer work that matters to me, my other hobbies, and my health, which takes time in the form of cooking and exercising. She tells me to do something bigger and more important with my writing or close up shop once and for all.
Sometimes I get the direct and dreaded question from a real person, not even the imaginary voice: “When are you going to write a book?” But that’s okay. I don’t always get other people’s career or personal choices either, nor do I have to. Those aren’t my life decisions to “get.” We don’t have to understand each other’s choices or approve of them. Attempting to get that approval is pointless and futile. (I’ve written about how family and friends might react to your writing at length here and elsewhere.) As for the inner critic, she will never, ever approve so please can we all stop trying?
So, I have nothing momentous to announce going into year seven of blogging. I will be doing more of the same. There’s an excellent friendship question coming in a few days. I have a guest post about my upcoming 40th birthday coming soon on another site and several more book reviews to share. Oh! And if you’re local, Julie and I have a few more spots in our Tuesday writing group starting on Jan 10th. (Sorry, the Thursday group is full.) We can come up with names for your inner critic if you want.
Fellow occasional doubters and “should” people, have you ever thought about giving your inner critic a name? Let’s hear it below!
Latest posts by Nina Badzin (see all)
- Dear Nina in The Guardian - May 1, 2024
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- Dear Nina in The Wall Street Journal - April 27, 2024
- 5 Friendship Issues to Consider Addressing with a Therapist - April 17, 2024
48 Responses
I love this musing on all the should’s, would’s, could’s – I also fall into this infinite well. In fact, your post comes at the right time – I reflected on this subject last week and it spiraled into a not-so-good place. But then I recounted what I did accomplish this past year and made a choice to embrace a different narrative – the one that focuses on all the quiet and noisy victories. Write on, friend. I will always read your words.
“embrace a different narrative” is exactly what I’ve done, too. I love that wording. Glad you’ve embraced one for you!
Blogging has changed so much over the years, it looks different for everyone. for me I get my one post a week up, and try for an extra. I used to be able to have 3 great posts a week, and sometimes a couple more if I was feeling particularly good, or had lots of fun things going on. I think its important to keep the space going as long as it makes you feel good. If it doesn’t, walk away (which can look different for a lot of people, whether its keeping the site live, or taking it down, or redirecting us to other places).
Yes it’s so different or everyone. We all have different intentions, goals, needs, desires, etc.
Congrats on still going strong after six years of blogging!
You make a great point that sometimes the inner critic can be helpful. She (he?) knows when I’m slacking off and when I need to push myself to do better work.
But most of the time she distracts me from the task at hand. She reminds me of all the story ideas that I haven’t had the time to complete. She is the one that compares me to other writers.
So I think it’s a great idea to take stock at the end of the year (or a blogiversary) to remind ourselves all that we’ve accomplished, which doesn’t necessarily have to be in the form of published works.
Looking forward to enjoying your blog in 2017 and beyond!
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You are so right that the accomplishments don’t have to be published works. Not at all! Thanks for being with me here for so many years.
Sheila? I imagine her to be either a very catty Jersey girl with big hair and lots to say or completely silent with ridiculously vivid facial expressions. She’d roll her eyes hard LOL I’m working up the nerve to submit to the Washington Post so telling her to quiet down as we speak!
Lol! Sheila is a great name for yours. (And mine!) Submit to WashPost. Do it!
I echo Rudri’s sentiments entirely. And I love this notion of giving our inner critics a name. I’m going to do this so I can tell her to shut the heck up sometimes! Congrats on six years!!
Thank you! I’m honestly thinking of names.
Ah Nina, your inner critic also forgot the awesome (if I do say so myself 😉 ) online relationships you’ve developed these past 6 years! Relationships with people like me who value and relate to your words in more ways than you can imagine – and who can’t wait to one day tell you so in person! Xo
Awww, thanks! And yes, ONE DAY!
Congrats on making it to six years! I have made it my mission in my memoir classes to make students realize that a memoir doesn’t have to be a book, nor do you have to write a book to be a writer. I think a lot more people would appreciate the awesome tool for life that writing can be if they weren’t intimidated by the book thing.
I love this comment so much, Annette. Thank you. I just read it to my writing group as they sometimes (we all do) struggle with what counts as “real writing.”
Yes. I know that voice. But from where I sit you’re not only an accomplished and talented writer but a friend I cherish deeply. Thank you. xo
Thank you for that! I feel the exact same way about you.
It’s six years for me too! Happy Six to you! Ah.. a case of the “shoulds..”
Ah yes I remember now we’re blog twins.
I love that you wrote on this topic. So many of us can relate. Ever since I discovered you in 2015, I’ve been thoroughly impressed by all your gifts and how much you accomplish with 4 young children. It’s hard to imagine a voice anywhere taunting you for not doing enough! Great advice by Julie to name that voice. That’s awesome. I will have to give some thought to naming mine. It has to a very robust name! She’s very loud and dominant.
Thank you SO much! And we are very much a part of each other’s writing journeys now.
Your words are wonderful and thoughtful and important just as they are.
(But naming an inner-critic seems like the PERFECT task for you.)
Cheers to six years. So glad I met you.
It is the perfect task for me! And thank you for everything else, too.
Congrats on 6 years, Nina! I’m so glad to know you and your words. I also love the idea of giving the inner critic a name. I refer to mine as my saboteur, but she should have a proper name so I can yell for her to pipe down. Keep going with all your accomplishments, on and offline! xo
Thank you, dana! So glad we are together in all this.
I love this! Also, your blog and I share a birthday, which I’m pretty excited about. I have a bad case of the shoulds… I have definitely considered giving my mean little voice a name. I haven’t done that yet. Instead, I try to surround myself with people who support me, encourage me, and challenge me. I try to really hard to force myself to keep writing even what that stupid voice is like “You’re not actually saying anything new, different, interesting, or funny.” And, as I’m sure you know, I find that the more I just write, the easier it is to sit down and write the next time and the next time and the next time, etc. Keep being the amazing writer you are. I’m glad you shushed your mean voice and acknowledged all the awesome things you’ve done as a writer in this post. HAPPY BLOG BIRTHDAY! (Belated)
I love that point about surrounding ourselves with support. I think being pushed is important too, but it’s not the only voice that matters.
Congratulations on six years and on all of your achievements as a writer! And thank you for being so supportive of fellow bloggers, even newbies! As for the inner critic, yes, he/she can take over if we let them. When I was in grad school, we learned about the psychologist Albert Ellis and how he would tell his clients to stop “shoulding all over themselves.” It has stuck with me and I try to recognize when I am doing this to myself (or when my students are doing it) and call it out. But it’s easier said than done! I think giving the inner critic a name is brilliant.
That’s a good quote!
This one really resonates with me right now. The shoulds have overwhelmed me lately😨.
Let’s not let them!
Congratulations on six years! You’ve accomplished so much here! I’ve dealt with those “shoulds” so much this year too. So many people are turning their blogs into businesses, and I kept thinking that I should be doing that too. Except that, I have no interest in that at all! I just want to write about whatever comes into my head. 🙂
I agree there is pressure for that! And there is nothing wrong with it all being just for fun.
Nina. You’re amazing. My inner critic often tries to compare me to you. So thank you for this post. Your words are so insightful and grounding–to be reminded that we each have some version of that “b*&^h nagging at us. And that our choices are our choices for better reasons than what that inner voice would have us believe. And that not all “success” looks the same.
Congrats on six years! Keep up the great work no matter what work it is you choose to pursue.
Most important thing– not everything success looks the same. SO true. And by trying to chase what someone else considers success we make ourselves crazy.
First off, congratulations on six years! That is so impressive and, more importantly, meaningful to you and the people who read your work.
I like what Elizabeth Gilbert has to say about the inner critic, which is something along these lines:
She’s trying to protect you but she gets a little confused, so tell her (for example) “I’m just attempting a poem, not running into a burning building.” She will always be with you and you need to welcome her. Let her know she’s along for the ride on your creative journey but that she doesn’t get to control *anything* — she can’t pick the music, she can’t choose the snacks, and she most definitely will never ever get to drive.
And then there’s this from Gilbert, which I did find:
“I silence my inner critics exactly the same way I silence my real-life critics: By saying to them very quietly, but very firmly, “If you don’t like what I’m doing, go write your own f***king book.”
Or in your case, “If you want a book, go write it yourself — I got a life to lead, friendship questions to answer and a blog to write.”
As for the name: I say Liza, à la Gilmore Girls.
She’s got a good heart in there somewhere but she’s so worried about the shoulds, you wouldn’t really take too much advice from her.
LOVE all of this so much. Another option for real life critics . . . they don’t have to read my stuff! But I love your point via Gilbert that they can feel free to write their own work as well. The worst critic is always myself (or Liza) and I think those are great reminders from Gilbert too about understanding that voice does exist for a reason and has its uses, we just can’t let it be in the driver’s seat. I’m overdue for a reread of Big Magic.
I love this post, Nina. I love that you enjoy blogging, and are content to keep this space as it is. I feel much the same way, and my inner critic isn’t quite as loud as she used to be. But I do want to name her!
I really love that we have this in common about the way we use our blogs.
I bought my domain name on 11/17 last year! We almost share a blog-birthday! I completely identify with “the shoulds”, and agree that while superegos can sometimes be motivationally helpful, they can also be very destructive when given too big of a role. I used to use worry dolls to offload my “shoulds”, but stopped because I found myself feeling badly for burdening them. Oy! Maybe creating a name would work for me too….?
That made me smile . . . the worry about burdening the dolls!
Have you read the wolf story?
A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other.
One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.
The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”
The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed.”
So, Ms. Nina, keep feeding your creative, brave, compassionate writing – starve the other one and it will get harder to hear 🙂
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I cannot tell you how much I love this. I may weave into a post about turning 40.
My inner critic tells me everyone else’s inner critic’s are just giving constructive criticism, but it’s right about me. I’m not sure why it never occurred to me that you still have doubts- because what you’re doing is awesome- and I’m just a wannabe……….I guess I have to give this some thought.
Orit! That is very astute and I had never thought about it that way. I suppose I tell myself the same thing . . . that everyone else is too hard on themselves, but I need to push myself more, expect more, be more.
This is a huge post for reflection and sharing so others can learn from your experience- don’t let the inner critic discount that. ;). But this year has been about me wrestling my “shoulds”, too. It is about trying to pursue what fulfills me and makes me happy outside of expectations and what other stuff are doing. It’s a journey! Happy to be on it together.
I feel like I’ve watched you grow into a new place in your career this year as you figured out what you want to do with your . . . I hate this word “platform.” It’s been really great to watch. And thanks for this comment on the post.
I just read your post after I published my reflections after seven years of blogging. Congratulations to you for six awesome years. It’s been a privilege to read your words over the years and I personally think you’ve accomplished SO much with your writing. Can’t wait to read your posts in year seven!
Oh heading over there!