Dear Nina,
I’ve been close with Christine for years. We live in the same town, we talk frequently on the phone, and she’s been a confidante during some difficult times. Unfortunately, over the past year or two I’ve noticed some negative sides to this relationship.
One thing is that she has a tendency to “tease” me about my personal failings, even some things which are no longer relevant. For example, I used to be a much worse housekeeper, back when my kids were smaller. Now I have a handle on things, but she will still “joke” about how lax my cleaning habits are. I think it makes her feel better to put me down, and I’ve put up with this unfortunate habit in the past—including calling her on it at times—because of her better qualities. Christine also always has some drama going on that she needs to talk about, but lately whenever I’ve tried to get her input on something I’m going through, she’s distracted or uninterested. The last concern is that it’s hard to get through a conversation without some sort of gossip sneaking in.
It’s clear to me that this friendship is no longer what it once was and is even a negative influence in my life. I’ve kept the friendship going because of the length and intensity of it. Another thing that keeps me from creating distance is that I’ve shared some very personal information with her and she’s the type to hold a grudge and to talk about it with others. (We do have overlapping friends.) I’m anxious about pulling back. What would you recommend?
Thanks for your help, Feeling Trapped
Dear Feeling Trapped,
There’s no question you need to establish a healthy boundary with Christine, especially since it sounds like you’ve already stopped considering her a close friend. And for good reason. As far as I’m concerned, Christine has broken two essential friendship “rules.”
#1. TOO MUCH TEASING
Sure, some people have friendships built on back and forth teasing. And if that works for them, fine. I personally cannot tolerate more than the most minimal amount of teasing. When spending time with a friend, you should never have to feel on guard for an attack. The cutting remarks would be reason enough, for me, to spend less time with Christine. My best friend, Taryn, agrees. After reading your note she said: “Life is short and we should focus on the people who fill us up, not dump us out.”
#2. LACK OF RECIPROCAL LISTENING
You said Christine expects you to listen to her ongoing issues. Yet, she doesn’t listen attentively when you have things going on in your life. That’s some simple friendship math that doesn’t add up.
So it sounds like you already know this friendship isn’t working, but the fact of her knowing so much about you is holding you back from downgrading the relationship.
My mom had some thoughts about this situation that might help. First, on the teasing aspect.
One option about the teasing is to confront Christine directly and firmly. Feeling Trapped can tell Christine that her comments feel like a put down, and she doesn’t like it. Or she can try the old Ann Landers approach. When the insult occurs, she can ask Christine why she is saying that to her. As for the concern about personal information, Feeling Trapped should cease sharing anything personal. If Christine is gossiping about others, then for sure she is already gossiping about Trapped whether Trapped creates distance or not. My recommendation is to create some distance without a major confrontation and without discussing Christine with the overlapping friends.
To further the question about Christine knowing your secrets, Taryn and I agree that it’s worth accepting the consequences of Christine possibly repeating anything you’ve told her. Your freedom from the strain of this relationship is worth some potential embarrassment. And as my mom said, it’s possible Christine has already repeated some of that anyway with no fallout that you know about at this point. Maybe others feel similarly about her and do not take what she says about others too seriously.
Now, the hardest part—how to create some distance without a formal and dramatic breakup?
Last month’s question about a friendship that has expired would have some good points for you, too. Although in that situation the friend in question had done nothing wrong, I see the goal for you as quite similar: stay in touch to honor the length of the friendship and all the good years, but not in a way that makes Christine a regular part of your life. This can be done by setting up one or two lunches or coffee dates a year. Having a plan on the calendar goes a long way to eliminate all the in-between, draining texts about when you’ll see each other next.
Best of luck. I know it isn’t easy, Nina
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