Dear Nina,

I’m uncertain about how to proceed with my long-distance friend, Mira. I met her online less than a year ago and during this time she got back with her boyfriend. I’ve never been interested in her romantically. I don’t know how she felt about me at the time.

Since Mira got back with her boyfriend, she started being way more flaky with our hangouts. One important thing to note is that since the beginning of our friendship, she never was the one who initiated contact. I always had to do it.

She always answers my messages kindly and within a few hours, but when it comes to personal questions (how was your day/weekend) I never get asked back. She apparently doesn’t show interest in my life. I think the lack of interest is because of her relationship. I believe she doesn’t want to get too personal with me due to her boyfriend jealousy or because she’s too focused on him.

I understand that when we’re in a romantic relationship, opposite sex friendships become way less of a priority. Due to the nature of our friendship (long-distance) and its duration (less than a year), I feel that it’s destined to end if I don’t put effort to keep in touch. I’d wish this situation was different and that she put at least a minimal effort to keep me motivated, but I can’t change the way she is.

It seems I’m always putting the effort to start conversations and she never does it herself. Adding to the fact that she doesn’t ask me anything at all and refuses to hangout, I feel like I might be trying too hard to maintain this long-distance friendship. 

How should I proceed? Should I stop initiating or just initiate less? Or should I forget about her and move on?

Signed, Tired of Making All the Effort

Dear Tired of Making All the Effort,

Rarely do I receive a question with so little gray area. I see this one in entirely black and white. And it has nothing to do with Mira having a boyfriend. A person who does not act interested in you, is not interested in you. And the reason why doesn’t really matter.

You don’t know that the boyfriend is the issue. For all you know, Mira has a few close guy friends or lots of close guy friends. You don’t know her all that well for the exact two reasons you stated: the distance and the lack of duration of the friendship.

Either way, she’s shown through her lack of reciprocity—both in the nature of the conversation and the effort of keeping in touch—that she’s not interested in a friendship.

Here’s what I think you should do. And, by the way, it’s a combo of what you’ve already suggested for yourself.

#1. First, initiate less. Because you’re correct. It’s not a good sign of someone’s interest in any sort of friendship, even a casual one, if she never initiates contact or asks about you.

#2. If you never hear from Mira again, then stop contacting her. This step requires no warning or explanation on your part. If things come to this, I think it’s safe to say it’s what Mira hoped you would do.

#3. If Mira eventually contacts you months later and shows genuine interest by doing all the things you already know are necessary (asking about YOU and initiating contact regularly), then you could absolutely try this friendship again. Mira has done nothing terribly wrong here. She’s sent you clear signals. It was your choice to continue contacting her. If she sends new and improved signals, you could certainly give it another go.

I hope that helps! Best of luck, Nina