Dear Nina,

How do I break up with a guy friend I’ve known for about 8 years? (It’s important to note that the problem isn’t that he’s a guy and I’m a girl. I have other good guy friends.)

Liam and I are both in our late twenties, and we met when we moved to the same city—a city new to each of us. We were set up (to be friends) by a mutual friend. I’ve only ever had platonic feelings for Liam, but once or twice he told me he wanted something more.

Over the last year, I’ve been trying to get him to leave me alone. We live in different states now. For the first six months, I kept texting back, “Sorry, so busy!” And more recently, I’ve stopped responding. He texts every two weeks anyway. And tonight he called me (on a Saturday night) at 11:15pm. I don’t like this. We have nothing in common anymore. I get creeped out and it has made me want to entirely drop the friendship.

This guy makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to call him. I could text him, but that’s as much communication as I want to give. I’ve had a stalker before, and this definitely is not that, but the queasy feeling I get thinking about it is the same.

Should I block his number outright and ghost him? Or do I owe him a conversation?

Signed, Help Me Get Out of This Friendship

Dear Help Me Get Out of This Friendship,

I see from your point of view that you’ve given Liam every signal you’re not interested in the friendship. Reading your letter, it’s baffling to me that he missed the hint. However, we can’t know the types of friendships Liam maintains with others. Maybe he has other friends who give him sporadic responses. He may hear, “I’m really busy,” as “let’s talk another time” as opposed to what you’re trying to say, which is, “let’s talk never.” My best friend, Taryn, who often chimes in for my answers, agreed that Liam seems oblivious to your hints. The fact that he called you after your total lack of response points to his cluelessness.

You tried letting this friendship drift away gently, and that was definitely the softest approach. It’s a good, low-drama place to start. Since Liam hasn’t caught on, an explicit statement of your intention to end the friendship seems needed to get the job done. If you block Liam’s number with no warning, will you also need to block him on all social media accounts? (And email, too?) That’s a lot of blocking without saying goodbye.

Sending Liam an email stating your plan to no longer be in touch would erase any potential gray area. And I say email, not text, because a text feels too informal. You want to put a little formality, even stiffness, into this final message. The phone is out of the running because the purpose of this message is a statement, not a conversation.

Send one final email telling Liam you are not comfortable continuing the friendship. Thank him for the friendship you shared when you were both new to town, but regret that the friendship doesn’t fit into your life now. (You don’t need to explain your reasons or list his transgressions.) Before signing off, say that you will not be responding to any future emails or texts. Then if he continues to text, email, or get in touch, I’d block him anywhere he can reach you. Either way, I’d go ahead and block him on your social media accounts right after sending the email.

This is an uncomfortable situation and my hope for you is that the one email does the trick.

Good luck! Nina

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