Yes, you can become closer friends with a friend who like, but aren’t “good friends” with yet. I got a great question about how to take a casual friendship to the next level. In my answer, I shared one example of an acquaintance who reached out to me and an example of me reaching out to an acquaintance. One example involves a long-distance Twitter friend, and one example is about a local “work” friend. I hope my examples help give others ideas of how to reach out to someone you like and want to spend more time with.
Dear Nina,
I enjoy engaging with others on social media and have come to think fondly of many of these virtual pals, some of whom I’ve been talking to on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for years. However, I’ve yet to reach out past the online niceties of these “relationships.” There are a few who I follow (who follow me back) that I would love to begin talking to “in real life.” These are people with whom I think I could become actual collaborators in our creative work and/or plain old regular friends. Some live in the same city and some of these online friends would be forever long distance. Either way, are we destined to only talk in Facebook comments forever?
Is there a way to reach out without it seeming awkward or like I’m stalker? As an introvert who doesn’t normally go out of her way to meet new people, I’m out of my comfort zone here. I also don’t want to jeopardize any comfortable online-only friendships. Should I just be happy as is?
Sincerely, Out of My Comfort Zone
Dear Out of My Comfort Zone,
Your question applies to ANY situation, online or offline, in which one person wants to take an easy-breezy acquaintanceship to the next level.
This happens when officemates get along well and want to hangout after work. (Remember offices pre-COVID?) It happens in gyms (remember gyms?) when you make small talk with the same few people week after week then wonder what it would be like to hangout away from the gym. And yes, it happens in Facebook groups and other social media sites when you agree often with a particular person from the same city and wonder why you’re not friends in “real life.” Online chemistry is REAL!
It’s impossible to know when a casual connection is laying the groundwork for a deeper friendship and when those exchanges are best left, as you said, “as is”–as the kind of low-stakes socializing that make life less lonely. If we made every high quality acquaintanceship a full-fledged friendship, we’d run out of time to give all of those friendships the attention they require. (I’m a fan of appreciating a solid acquaintanceship for what it is, which I talk about here.)
That said, sometimes the chemistry is too good not to try. So what might that look like?
The only way forward is to do exactly what you’ve already suggested—reach out and ask. I will give you two real examples from my life. In one case, I reached out to an acquaintance, and in the other case, someone reached out to me.
WHEN I REACHED OUT
I have an out-of-town blogging/Twitter friend named Kristen. After reading your question, I asked Kristen to remind me how we became friends, not just “Twitter friends.” Still, years later, I’ve never met Kristen in real life, but we talk through email, texts, and voice memos quite often. (I’m currently trying to get her onto What’s App, by far the best voice memo app out there.) We’ve sent each other snail mail and packages. It’s a friendship I’ve grown to treasure. Neither one of us can remember how we started emailing rather than talking through the blogs and Twitter. But Kristen remembers what happened next:
“After a series of one-line emails back and forth I’m pretty sure you said something like, OK let’s cut the crap and start texting. It was awesome and you were brave about suggesting it. I think there’s always that fear of rejection or going further than the other person intended. Anyway, I’m forever glad you did it!”
WHEN SOMEONE REACHED OUT TO ME
I met Debra at ModernWell, the co-working spot in Minneapolis where we are both members. She and I often had great banter to the point where we had to force ourselves to sit further away from each other. Our acquaintanceship could have stayed solely a ModernWell thing as we both have full lives, including plenty of good friends, and seven children between us. Then one day out of the blue, Debra and I had the following text exchange when I was running late to ModernWell. (The exchange was longer, but this is the general gist.)
Debra: Are you coming to ModernWell today?
Me: Yes, I teach my class at 12:30. Leaving home in a few.
Debra: Nina, I’m about to take our relationship to the next level. What do you have in the way of sweet things? And can you bring me one?
Me: I have so much! Will bring!
Debra: THANK YOU!
Me: So glad you asked. Totally next level. I could write a column on this.
So, basically I’m a prophet, because here I am a few years later writing that column. Ha! But in all seriousness, I knew even in the moment that Debra had done a hard thing. She asked for a favor, which is often the first step in a friendship—allowing someone to help you, even in a small way.
Then some time soon after, Debra again said via text, “Can we do lunch or something fun some time? Or are we not there yet in our friendship?”
I immediately said yes and those weren’t empty words. I suggested times and dates right there on the spot, and we’ve been good friends ever since.
“Out of My Comfort Zone,” I understand that you’re not as used to making the first move, but I’m here to push you. No friendship gets to the next level without one person taking a step. For now, think of one online friend you’d like to know better. Try communicating in a new method. If you’re only connected on Twitter, try email. If you’ve been emailing, move to texts. I wouldn’t jump right to a coffee or lunch date if you’re in the same town. You need a middle step. Since we’re in Covid-times, I think the best shot of getting together, if that feels right to suggest at some point with this person, is a social distance walk. I also like that a walk usually ends in an hour, making it a good first in-person plan.
It’s important to keep in mind that not all efforts to become better friends will end the way you want. Maybe the chemistry won’t be as good as you thought it would be. Maybe the other person isn’t feeling the same pull. But you won’t know unless you try.
Best of luck! Nina
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
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