A letter writer wanted to know if a global pandemic and strict distancing rules was a good time to decide who her real friends are? I said no. But my longer answer is below.
Hi Nina,
Now that social distancing is a must, I realize that a lot of friendships I considered close sort of vanished. Some texted or called, then I texted or called back, then nothing.
It dawned on me that this pandemic could be a chance to sort out who real my friends are. It’s easier to identify the real friends–the ones who care–and those who do not.
What do you think?
Thank you, Wondering if This Makes Everything Clear
Dear Wondering if This Makes Everything Clear,
Is it now clear who our close friends are? My answer is yes, but also no.
Yes, in a time like this it does become more obvious who is right there in your inner-inner-inner circle. If there are a few friends you’re in constant touch with right now, then it’s natural to feel closer to those friends.
However, this pandemic is happening to ALL of us. If you were the only one in the middle of enormous changes to work, school, and all aspects of society, then I might say it’s fair to sort out your friends this way.
But in a case like this where we are all affected, I say everyone gets a pass. I sure hope that the friends I adore who I haven’t been able to walk with, talk to, or even text with as often don’t decide to write me off. If I hear from them less these days, I assume they have their hands full. (Because who doesn’t?) I hope they’re making that same assumption about me. While we all may be less busy with events and errands, we are bogged down by uncertainty, disappointment, fear, anxiety, and for many, depression–all things that make it less motivating to call and text others.
Something about your question implied that you’re possibly waiting for people to reach out to you as a test of the friendship. I have a strong stance against testing. So if that’s what’s happening here, I caution against it. Nobody likes to be tested, especially when we are all in this crisis together.
Here’s my final advice: If there’s someone you’re missing from “before,” send a text or email saying, “I miss you, and I can’t wait to see you when this is all behind us.” That statement, or something like it, is a low-requirement text and asks for nothing in return. I bet it will help someone else in your life feel appreciated and you will get that appreciation and love right back–if not right away, eventually.
We need our close friends, but those other friendships make life so much fuller. Don’t give up on them!
Good luck and stay healthy! Nina
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