Dear Nina,
I got a Facebook friend request from someone who I am 98% sure “friended me” so that she can eventually sell me the “miracle” toothpaste and face cream she’s now repping from home. We’ve met in person a few times over the years and have friends in common. I’ve seen her occasional posts about those products in a local Facebook group we are both members of, so I think my hunch is likely on point.
I have had this happen in other contexts too like fundraising for nonprofits and political contributions. In some cases this happens with people I know better than the toothpaste example. I’m thinking of one woman in particular who was always someone I wanted to be better friends with. Too many times I was excited to hear from her, only to learn she merely wanted me to write a check to the latest candidate or organization she was supporting.
Both of these experiences have made me think about the issue of friends/acquaintances selling things and asking for donations in a larger context.
Here are my questions:
- Do I need to accept the friend request from the person I assume is selling toothpaste, etc? Is it rude if I don’t? Will it be awkward if I run into her?
- How do you handle it when someone you ARE friends with is part of a sales from home business? Is the answer different in the case of fundraising?
Thanks, I’m Not Your Customer
Dear I’m Not Your Customer,
Ignoring the friend request, eventually not buying a product when you’ve been asked, not donating to a cause when you’ve been solicited: these are all occasions for which you have every right to say “no thank you,” and you may have to actually say the words or you’ll be leaving a door open you want to keep closed. My answer for true friends is different. We will get there in a moment.
I’m pretty good about saying no when I need to, but I still had a tiny stomachache reading your letter, which is why I asked around to get some of my friends’ advice, too. If you have a sliver of “people pleasing” in you, it’s hard to say no, even to an acquaintance, claiming this toothpaste will change your life. In the two cases you provided, you’re not friends with the people asking, so saying no should technically be easier, but I realize it’s still hard and that’s why you’re asking in the first place.
In response to the Facebook request question, one friend said, “You do not need to accept the request. Some people use Facebook as a tool to connect with every human they have ever been in contact with, but some use it just to maintain relationships with those they are closer to.” That is perfectly stated. A person who is using social media for sales is unlikely to remember all the acquaintances she has hit up for friend requests. I wouldn’t spend another second on this. You don’t even have to utter the words, “I’m not interested” or “No thank you.” Delete the request and move on.
As for the woman you have liked from afar and know a little more than the first woman, that’s slightly different. This irks you because there’s no reciprocity in the acquaintanceship, but she’s felt emboldened to ask you several times for money. By reciprocity I mean, there’s no natural give and take of an exchange of favors that exists in all friendships, sometimes spoken and sometimes not. Many of us take turns fundraising. You’re going to have to get the courage to say no in this example. If you write a check (send a venmo, etc.) every time she asks, she will ask again and again. Why wouldn’t she?
In the case of a real friendship, however, I say yes whenever possible. By “possible” I mean, the product is reasonable and within my budget and the cause/candidate is something I’m comfortable supporting. A friend of mine agreed, saying, “Whether in sales, fundraising, or seeking support for a candidate, a good friend should know when and how to call on the friendship and make the ask. And a good friend also knows how to respond when called upon. The key is that the relationship is friend to friend first, not salesperson to customer.”
Another friend said, “I always buy at least one time from a friend starting a business, and I donate, even it’s a very small amount, to a cause I can stand behind, simply because it’s a friend who asked.” Like I said, I tend to do the same thing, but the point I highlighted above is key. The person asking has to develop a sense of how often to come to the same well.
Am I saying friends have an obligation to help each other? To some degree, yes. Not all readers will like that concept and “obligation” is a loaded, uncomfortable word, but if friends aren’t going to help each other get certain efforts off the ground, who will? [Quick edit to add: After a great discussion on Facebook about this post, I was reminded how supporting friends with social media likes is easy. I’d argue, there’s no good reason not to unless you’re not on social media whatsoever. “Liking” a friend’s business page is very low hanging fruit.]
Do you have to buy, give, support every venture and cause of every friend? Of course not. But you may find yourself in the asking position one day wishing you’d been more understanding. Once again, the line between acquaintance and friend is central to the “obligation” clause. If the only time I hear from someone is to get my credit card number, then we are not friends. And in that case, I don’t feel badly saying no if it’s truly not a product or cause I want to support.
My mom agreed with me but added, “Even in the case of good friends, you certainly do not need to donate to a friend’s cause more than once.” And readers, if my mom says so, it’s just the way it is.
Now what about when a good friend asks for support for a product, cause, or candidate you do not want to put your name and money behind? A close friend of mine said this: “I ask people to send me more information and then I say I’ll them know if I’m interested. This way you’re not saying no at the time, but you’re not committing either. It allows you to eliminate any potential friction without the chance to at least think it through first.”
So, I’m Not Your Customer, I think we hashed out your questions thoroughly. Hopefully some readers will chime in too. Thanks for writing with this issue. It was a good one! Nina
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