Are roasts a fun, harmless tradition among friends? Or are they a tasteless, mean-spirited concept that can ruin an event? Today’s letter is from a bride-to-be who doesn’t want her fiancé’s friends’ roasts to ruin her wedding weekend.

Dear Nina,

Now that events are coming back, I have a few late summer weddings on my calendar—including my own. I’m not writing because I’m anxious about getting back together with people or nervous about getting married. I’m ready for all of the above! What I’m dreading is how in my fiancé’s friend group, it’s a tradition that friends give “funny” speeches at the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. They do roasts, not toasts. 

I feel incredibly nervous and upset every time I think about how our rehearsal dinner will play out. I’ve seen some of his friends’ speeches at other weddings and not only are they way too long, but the speeches are mean, not funny. A few my friends will speak, too, but I know those speeches will be kind and celebratory. 

Am I in my rights to not want cruel roasts as part of my wedding weekend? I was so uncomfortable when I sat through their speeches at others’ weddings in the group. My fiancé has been guilty of it too when he’s been a groomsman. I was uncomfortable for the bride and groom and for all of us who had to sit there nervously laughing while private jokes and less-than-wonderful parts of the groom’s and sometimes the bride’s personalities were shared in front of the few hundred people in the room.

Why does this tradition exist? Is something wrong with me that I don’t find it entertaining to watch the guests of honor get humiliated? And will my fiancé’s friends always think of me as the controlling, no-fun wife if I take a stand on this? 

Help! Signed, Nervous Bride

Dear Nervous Bride,

No, nothing is wrong with you. I also don’t understand why some people consider roasts a fun and hilarious way to mark an event or a milestone. It takes an especially witty person to pull off a roast that makes people laugh yet doesn’t humiliate the person being roasted. It’s a rare guest at an event who can truly pull it off and not look like a jerk. But I have to acknowledge that I have a particularly low tolerance for teasing. A few months ago in a previous answer I shared my disdain for the overuse of “just kidding.” Roasts, especially in front of a big crowd, are like “just kidding” times one million.

Now that we’ve both stated our dislike of roasts, I need to point out that this question is really more of a relationship/marriage issue than a friendship one. It sounds like your own friends will extend well wishes instead of insults. But I chose this question because your soon-to-be husband’s friends will likely exist in your social orbit, and I genuinely understand your desire not to feel like a wet blanket at your own rehearsal dinner.

Since the first and most important conversation you need to have about this is with your fiancé, I asked my husband, Bryan, how he’d handle the situation. He also hates roasts, but I still thought a guy’s perspective could help. 

Bryan: “It’s completely reasonable to manage the toasts in terms of which people are invited to speak and what they are told is in bounds. There’s no reason anyone has to endure any discomfort at their own wedding. I’d make it clear in a respectful way that toasts should be positive and less than two minutes. I’d also give people the option to pass if they don’t feel comfortable with that criteria. Just like there’s no obligation to be roasted at your own wedding, nobody is obligated to give a toast if they don’t like the requirements. The day should be enjoyable for everyone.

Me: But what if the fiancé likes that roasting vibe and wants his friends to “be themselves.” That’s what Nervous Bride is most worried about—that the friend group will find her boring, ruiner of the fun, annoying, etc. She’s trying to balance wanting her wedding weekend to feel a certain way with not wanting the group to dislike her.

Bryan: Successful marriage is based on compromise. If this is really important to Nervous Bride, then New Hubby needs to learn how to start compromising now. “Being themselves” is not an excuse to cloud someone else’s event. I get that she wants to feel accepted by his friends. Is it possible they will look down on her? Sure. But to that I say, “So what.” You don’t compromise on something important just to get the approval of other people. What she’s asking for is totally reasonable. I doubt they will hold this against her, and the truth is they may not have strong feelings either way. And a hard truth: Being liked isn’t the end all be all of life. 

Photo by Alasdair Elmes on Unsplash

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Nina Badzin

Nina Badzin hosts the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. She's been writing about friendship since 2014, co-leads the writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, and reviews 30+ books a year on her website.

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