I broke out into a full sweat while answering the latest friendship question. It’s on a topic that really gets me going, which is teasing in a friendship. The question is actually really unusual, but it allowed me to launch into my strong feelings about teasing that’s mutual, teasing that isn’t, “just joking,” some self-awareness about my own nature, and more.
Dear Nina,
A friend I haven’t seen in a long time recently pulled a prank where she pretended another friend of hers (who I don’t know) died of cancer. It went on for multiple months and she asked me to check up on a guy friend of hers who was also friends with the girl “who died.” I don’t know the guy well.
The same day I reached out to him, she called me and said she was joking. In the moment, because I am a little bit of a pushover, I said it was fine. The thing is, it’s really not okay to do that to me. I don’t have the girl’s number they were lying about, but I don’t want to get involved anyway.
What should I do? Signed, Pranked
Dear Pranked,
Rarely do I have such a clear cut answer, but this is easy. End this friendship immediately.
That’s not to say I rarely get clear cut questions. I tend not to use them because I like to offer nuanced discussions of the majority of friendship dilemmas out there, most of which fall into a gray area. There are usually many sides to a story, which is why some friendship dilemmas are hard to handle. I don’t see myself as someone with definitive answers. I’m just oddly willing to enthusiastically consider the questions.
I believe your question provides both possibilities though—a clear cut answer and a gray-er discussion about the role of teasing and “just kidding” in friendships. Quick early comment on that: There’s nothing wrong with saying “just kidding,” “LOL,” using the now-deemed-middle-aged crying emoji, or with teasing, not inherently anyway. It’s way more complicated than that in a lot of cases, but not in the case of your friend.
As I said, my advice to you on this particular friendship is to end it. What your “friend” did was:
- cruel
- humiliating
- dark
- a waste of your time
- and bizarre, inexcusable behavior.
That she let this lie drag on for one day was bad enough. That she let it go on for months is sadistic. I almost never advocate ghosting a friend, but I hate to see you get into a discussion with someone this mean-spirited. If after staying away from your former friend she presses you for answers, you can simply text, “I cannot be friends with someone so cruel.” No other explanation is needed. Her “I was joking” is totally unacceptable.
And that brings me to the broader question of teasing/joking, which is a topic I’ve discussed before, but it’s pertinent here so it’s worth mentioning again.
Here’s where I don’t have black and white answers, because outside of “just kidding” about a friend dying of cancer, this issue is not one-size-fits-all.
How much teasing and “just kidding” belongs in a friendship depends on the two people in the friendship. You have to know two things about yourself:
- How much teasing do you enjoy, or can you at least tolerate?
-
How much teasing do you like to dish out? (And hopefully if the answer is “a lot,” you know the difference between humor and tearing your friend down.)
I have theories on all that, but they’re particular to me. Though I suppose one of my theories is relationship common sense for ALL: If you like to dish it out, you better enjoy taking it. I think most people would agree with that statement and we lose patience with the person who is often “just kidding” but upset when someones teases them.
Unfortunately, people like me who don’t tend to dish it out are still expected to be a good sport and take it. Otherwise, we are “overly sensitive” and “not fun.” People don’t seem to get that we’re not “mad” when we don’t laugh along. We just don’t like it. We’re not angry; we’re uncomfortable. Personally, I find that a lot of sarcasm and teasing can be a cover for insecurities, so when I witness too much of it, I’m left feeling uncomfortable for everyone involved—the person overdoing it and the person on the receiving end, whether or not it is me.
I like banter that’s witty/clever/funny, but I don’t like banter that’s full of digs, cheap shots, cuts too close to the truth, and keeps me on guard. What’s the difference? It’s hard to give an exact definition. I know it when I see it, hear it, and feel it. If you constantly have to say “just kidding” to your friends, you might want to consider which brand of teasing you’re engaged in.
We all come into friendships with hangups about ourselves. You see yourself as a pushover, which made you scared to stand up to your friend when she told you the truth about the prank.
I have always seen myself as “less fun” and “overly serious,” which means I might go along with teasing I don’t like (or deserve) because I don’t want to further that sense of being “not fun.” The truth is, while I find many things out there in the world funny and I love to laugh, I don’t get authentically amused by jokes at someone else’s expense. I have an extremely low tolerance for teasing, even when it’s directed at other people. Example: I absolutely hate roasts. I sweat and feel sick when I’m at an event like a 40th birthday party and the guest of honor is getting roasted instead of toasted. I don’t enjoy being around anything that comes close to humiliation. That doesn’t mean lots of mutual teasing is wrong or that even roasts at parties are wrong, it just means that it’s not my cup of tea. It’s important I know that about myself so that I don’t spend all of my social time sweating!
Perhaps that’s another reason why I chose your question even though it’s such an unusual situation. Trying to trick someone into believing you’ve lost a friend to cancer is extreme, but the desire to subtly embarrass a friend is a part of friendships that happens a lot and each person handles it differently. Of course in many cases it’s in good fun and can be funny to the right person. But sometimes when I hear, “just kidding” I want to follow up with, “But was it funny, or was it actually meant to be mean and establish some sort of superiority?” Guess what a question like that would make me? NOT VERY FUN.
Here’s what I do with this knowledge about myself and you can do the same with your awareness of being a pushover (or using a much better word—trusting). I don’t surround myself with people who are incessant teasers, not when I can help it. I am 100% confident that I bring other good things to a friendship and trading constant verbal jabs just isn’t going to be one of them. My good friends know that. Some even find me funny! And they know it won’t be at their expense. Of course I’m not a perfect friend. I have plenty of foibles, but “LOLing” at my friends is rarely one of them.
You shouldn’t surround yourself with people who will take advantage of your willingness to believe lies. In fact, you should be able to assume that your friends are telling you the truth. That’s a fair assumption to make about a friend!
I hope you’re able to smoothly walk away from this prankster “friend.” I’m sorry this happened to you, Nina
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