Scaling Back, Reaching Out, Overlooking Flaws, Accepting Boundaries
Welcome to episode #18 of Dear Nina: Conversations about Friendship. Taryn and I answered four listeners’ questions in about 30 minutes. I called this a rapid fire friendship dilemma session. We focused on four friendship issues: scaling back, reaching out, overlooking flaws, and accepting boundaries. And we even shared some responses we both got to my episode on “the popular group.” We jammed a lot in!
FIND EPISODE #18 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS! You can also listen below.
FOUR LISTENERS’ QUESTIONS
Question #1: Scaling back on a potential friendship that’s going in the wrong direction.
Hi Nina!
Just discovered your podcast–love love love it! I have a question for the pod. I met a fitness instructor at my club and loved going to her classes, she’s a wonderful teacher. We had all these things in common and started hanging out. I quickly realized she wasn’t one of “my people.” She’s very nice, but brings so much chaos into her life and is a loose cannon with little impulse control. I want to continue to take her classes, but no longer want to hang out. She’s asked probably 3-4 times, and I’ve always had a good reason, even if it’s a white lie. I feel like this will continue–her asking to do things. She’s not someone who picks up on these types of social graces. Any advice for how to fade away, while still taking her weekly class?
Question #2: Friend who never calls first and never stops talking about herself.
Dear Nina,
I have a friend who I’ve known for 14 years. When we met, I was so excited to have a new and close friend. It was nice to have someone to talk to and spend time with.
The problem is that whenever we talk, I am the one who calls her. I’ve even not contacted her for a few weeks to see if she’d finally call or text; but, she didn’t. We also only talk about what is happening in her life. She says we are best friends, but there is a lot going on in my life that she doesn’t even know about. She’s been going through stuff as long as I’ve known her, and I am always there for her through it all. I just wish she would do the same for me. Is it time for me to move on?
Question #3: How does one accept or overlook flaws of friends who are repetitive with their behavior?
How do you handle a friend who is basically good, but narcissistic. They don’t listen when it’s your turn to speak. They rattle off their list of daily plans from errands to dinners plans with lots of repetition and taking up all the oxygen in the room with their stuff. When you bring up a subject, they bring it back to themselves.
Question #4: Can a friend have too many boundaries?
Dear Nina,
I have a friend–let’s call her Stephanie–who is continually setting conditions on our friendship. I knew things were getting rocky, when we had a falling out last year. She did reach out to me several months ago and apologized. I am always willing to give people second chances because things happen, bad moments, whatnot. So we started having coffee dates again. Recently, she pulled back again, and was pushed off enough times that I realized I was being given the boot. However, she reached out again today.
We share similar politics, and similar thoughts on current issues. She wants to meet for coffee, but said, “Can we set some ground rules about not talking about politics or controversial current events?”
That really turned me off, and I’m not sure I can explain why. We can’t talk about her mother’s illness. We can’t talk about something her husband is doing. And now we can’t talk about politics or controversial current events (which one?!) it feels like she’s setting the friendship on HER terms.
I’m thinking of letting this friendship go. What are your thoughts? Am I overreacting?
Listen to Taryn and I answered all of these questions on episode #18!
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