Fast Forward a Friendship By Hosting Friends For Meals
In episode 22 of Dear Nina, I’m taking on two topics, with one topic logically leading to the other.
- How to go from being casual acquaintances to actually considering someone a friend
- How to make it easier to have people over for a meal
FIND EPISODE #22 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS! You can also listen below.
I have the only sensible guest to handle this challenge, and that is my good friend, Debra Arbit, who was
the first guest to sit in my newly outfitted little office with a brand new second microphone.
In addition to being a consultant for women business owners, and raising three young kids, Debra has hosted TONS of friends and acquaintances at her house for meals over the past handful of years (pre-Covid).
And then at some point when it became clear she couldn’t have people over like she used to, Debra took her love for cooking onto her instagram account, @fortheloveofcookbooks, where she brought her longtime passion for cooking her way through entire cookbooks and does much of it live on her stories.
Tips for Taking a Friendship to the Next Level
Before Debra and I discussed ten tips for hosting, we told our friendship story, which is a great example of taking a casual friendship to the next level. As I discussed in episode 20, good friendship chemistry isn’t always enough to transition to a good friendship. One person in the acquaintanceship has to “make a move” to talk more or hang out in a different context. I’ve written about my friendship with Debra once before and you can find that here.
Some friendship advancement keys Debra and I discussed in episode:
— Ask for a favor.
— Change the venue: If you run into each other in person, then text. If you only text, then suggest getting together.
No friendship gets to the next level without one person taking a step. ~ Nina
— And per the rest of this episode, invite your new friend over for a meal!
“If you want to have plans, you have to make plans.” ~ NINA
I asked in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, how people feel about hosting. I got a variety of responses and I will share some here.
“I’m a big fan of hosting. I think there is magic in having friends in your sacred space, sharing time and stories over a meal that you made, that lingering time after the meal is done—laughs, tea/coffee— all special moments with no pressure giving up your table at a restaurant. Freedom to see where the night takes you in intimate time and space.”
“I love sharing food, stories. It’s easier to listen to people in a quieter environment.”
“It can be fun to mix up friends and decide who would make a good combo.”
“Love hosting friends for meals. Shabbat, Jewish holidays, Thanksgiving… we always have a crowd. I like cooking and baking, it’s a chance to socialize with friends, have our kids connect with our friends’ kids, etc. ”
But there’s the hurdle of getting over how hard it is to host.
More comments from Dear Nina: The Group:
“I love hosting AND I find it stressful wanting the house to be clean, the food to be good, the experience to be fun. I feel like I’m a good hostess, but it’s not effortless for me.”
“I love to host, but I also get stressed out about it so I don’t do it as often as I’d like to.”
Here’s where Debra comes in, and me too, because I’ve also been hosting for a long time now.
10 Tips for making hosting easier
#1. Remember, the goal of hosting is to make other people comfortable and to connect. This isn’t about perfect food, a perfect setting, or perfectly behaved kids if you have them. Put yourself in the guests’ shoes. They’re happy not to be in charge and to be getting together. The actual food is truly not that important. Guests are more comfortable when you’re not acting all stressed about the food and state of the house. So make it better for everyone and don’t spend the whole time apologizing for living in your actual house.
#2. Practice makes all the difference. You don’t need to be “great” at hosting. Doing it is what makes it easier. And you still might burn the food, over salt things etc. The more you host, you just don’t take it so hard.
#3. If you’re reluctant to invite over newer friends, you can say you’re trying to have people over more often. Or perhaps you can say that you miss doing it since Covid has kept people apart. Let the invitees feel like they’re helping you meet this goal by coming.
#4. Give assignments. Debra especially likes to assign dessert, which can easily be store bought.
#5. Debra doesn’t like to have everyone sit to eat until at least 30 minutes after arrival. Let there be casual time. Let guests help at this time— they can fill water or do other finishing touches on the table. They can slice a final ingredient. People feel relieved to help. And always accept help for clearing plates!
#6. Debra and I emphatically agree: Don’t clear the cups until everyone is gone or you still end up filling up more glasses. Trust us! And speaking of cups . . .
#7. Always have water ready to go.
#8. Think about seating and what would allow for conversation and friendship to happen.
#9. Let the kids eat and leave the table quickly.
#10. Don’t expect a tit-for-tat reciprocation of an invite back to the other person’s place. If your guest reaches out for plans next, that’s a great response, even it’s for a walk or a cup of coffee. Not everyone wants to have people over or feels up to it. Debra used the example of knitting. If someone knit you a sweater as a gift, you wouldn’t say, “But I didn’t knit you a sweater.” You’d accept the gift and a find another way to show your gratitude for the friendship or interest in becoming better friends. I loved this point.
BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK
Try inviting someone over for a meal! It could be brunch, lunch, dinner, or coffee and a snack. And don’t worry about everything being “perfect.”
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2 Responses
re hosting dinners… some of us are intimidated about “drinks,” (trendy beer? pricey wine or box? how much of it? ) and I read a tip that helped me. Instead of 5 diff wines, offer a “signature” cocktail, served with or without alcohol. If it’s burger, find a “cowboy” cocktail or near St Pat’s day, call it Irish tea, whatever. Have fun with it and make it memorable. Plenty of ideas online.
Great advice, Joanie!