One of Laura Tremaine’s friendship philosophies is to put connection and relationship on your daily to-do list. And one example of a “to-do” we discussed was this: TEXT YOUR FRIENDS BACK! This came up for Laura after a few friends called her out.
After realizing some of her communication mishaps and a few other friendship details were falling between the cracks or hurting friends’ feelings, Laura solved the problem by putting her friendship goals and intentions on a daily to-do list. She has her family to-do list, her work to-do list, and her friendship/connection to-do list. This method would work for anyone who is feeling overwhelmed in life and doesn’t want to be known as “the friend who doesn’t text back.” Or “the friend who never checks in.”
These to-do items will change depending on your individual friends and requires some noticing for what makes your friends light up.
At the end we got into one of my favorite topics—how all the attention to boundaries is getting out of control. We do have to be there for friends sometimes. Even when it’s not convenient!
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Meet Author and Podcaster Laura Tremaine
Laura Tremaine grew up in Oklahoma and moved to Los Angeles sight unseen when she was twenty-two years old. She worked in film and television production for many years at MTV, VH1, Fox and Paramount Pictures before pursuing writing full time. Laura has been sharing her life online for over a decade. She writes about friendship, anxiety, motherhood and marriage. Her posts and podcast episodes resonate with women looking for ways to connect more deeply with others as they transform from one era of life into another. Laura lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their two children.
You can follow Laura at www.lauratremaine.com. Instagram Facebook
Laura’s podcast: 10 Things To Tell You
Laura’s newest book: The Life Council: Amazon | Bookshop
Detailed Highlights from my conversation with Laura
Some ideas for the to-do list:
- Text people back!
- Initiate a text.
- Try voice memos to check in and say hello. Laura uses Voxer. I use What’s App or the Apple texts. (Voice memos on Apple are not great.)
- Seek out friends’ social media feeds to show them some support on personal or professional posts.
- Put friends’ important appointments (or other news they’ve shared with you) in your phone so you can remember to check in on them.
- Pay attention to friends’ “love languages.” Some friends really appreciate a phone call. Some would love a card in the mail. Some (like me!) love a ride to an event if they’re someone who dislikes driving. Laura spoke about making a point to pay attention–to notice–what makes your friends light up.
- How we “show up” for long distance friends will be different from how we keep up with friendship “to-do” items with nearby.
Quotes I loved from Laura in the episode:
“I think that a lot of people expect that we should just naturally be good friends in this way and check on one another and text people back, and that’s just normal, polite etiquette. But it wasn’t happening for me, and it was actually hurting my friendships. I was the one that needed to fix it, because it was my issue. And just sort of blaming it on other factors like I’m busy or I have anxiety–that’s valid, of course–but it also sort of became an excuse. That’s not how I wanted my friendships to feel.”
“I didn’t want my reputation to be: Oh, don’t even bother texting Laura. She’ll never text you back. Or, don’t even try to communicate with Laura. She only communicates on her own terms. That’s not what I wanted to be as a friend.”
We Agreed That Boundary Talk Is Getting Excessive Out There
I mentioned this article in Bustle about discussion of boundaries being out of control.
It’s also a topic I discussed in this episode about toxic friendships.
A bit of transcript from that section about boundaries:
Nina: Not all friendships that have issues are toxic. Not all people who disappoint you are toxic. And also, boundaries really have gotten out of control.
Laura: Out of control.
Nina: Sometimes you have to help people. Sometimes you actually have to be inconvenienced. Somebody isn’t infringing on your boundaries. They’re asking you to be a friend and requiring you to be a friend so when you need a friend, people will show up. You cannot always be putting up boundaries. And it feels controversial to say that, although more people are saying it. There was a big article in Bustle a week or two ago about that. And I was like, yes, amen. I quoted it on my Substack, because it’s just too much. It’s out of control.
Laura: Yeah, we have “boundaried” ourselves into loneliness. That’s what I say in the book.
Nina: Ooh, yes. That’s a good line.
Laura: What if I had said a few years ago, what if I had been like, no, I have boundaries. I don’t text anyone back between the hours of, 7:00 PM and 7:00 AM. That was hurting my friendships, and it wasn’t actually a boundary that I deeply needed. It was an arbitrary thing that I felt like texts are not the boss of me. They’re not the boss of me, but my relationships are important to me. And in the year 2023, the way that a lot of people foster friendships is through texts. So I needed to get over myself and pick up the phone and text people back. I could have hidden behind a boundaries thing. And people are doing that. But that would’ve just ended up hurting me. I was the only one losing friends over it.
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