We Still Need to Work on Group Texts
I’m revisiting the problems and potential of group texts (but mostly the problems) because there are still some group text shenanigans I’d love to see go away. I want us to love our group chats with friends! We CAN improve! Hear about some easy ways the groups texting experience can be better.
I’m SO excited for even more listeners to hear Kat Vellos who helped me navigate the world of group texts and all the friendship issues and potential that come along with them.
FIND EPISODE #56 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
Meet Kat Vellos:
Kat Vellos is a trusted expert on the power of cultivating meaningful friendships. She’s a speaker and author of the book, We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. She’s also the creator of the Better than Small Talk conversation cards and the Better Conversations Calendar. In her former career as a UX designer and researcher, she made software more user-friendly at large companies you’ve heard of, but she’s a lot happier now making life more friendly for the thousands of people and work teams who use her guidance to cultivate fulfilling friendships and colleagueships. Kat’s writing is read in over 100 countries and she’s been interviewed by The New York Times, NPR, Communication Arts, The Good Life Project, and many more. When she’s not thinking about friendship, she loves tacos, puns, and puns involving tacos.
Instagram: @katvellos_author
Twitter: @katvellos
Website: weshouldgettogether.com
Kat and I discussed:
— Group texts can function as a way for friends to feel closer.
— When group chats are going well, there are unspoken rules that people are following.
— Remember groups texts are no different than any other group setting. Respect the vibe and tone. Don’t humiliate anyone publicly.
— The power of muting group texts, but going back in to catch up when you’re ready.
— Get everyone’s names if you don’t have them so you’re not talking to a number. Readily introduce yourself. (This is less for friend chats and more for teams, committees, etc.)
— Remember texts really cannot replace in-person connections. Kat said,
Make sure that your friendships don’t only live in one communication channel. So not only in texting, not only in DMs on social media, whatever it might be. Make sure that your friendship inhabits more than one space, including the physical space, if you can, because it just gives your friendship a lot more strength, and it’s woven into your life in a much more solid way.
— When group chats go off the rails, what are the issues that turn people off . . .
— I went on a riff against thumbs-upping every comment in a group chat. It’s better, once you’ve caught up, to write ONE comment in the chat, even if it’s something short like, “thanks everyone!” or “loved this!” Really ANYTHING other than creating 15 notifications with all the thumbs ups or hearts.
— I also complained about people using group chats instead of email for events because then people put their RSVPs right in the chat. Kat labeled these “low quality texts,” at least for me. Kat and I both agreed that there’s nothing but good intentions in these examples, but they do downgrade the group text experience.
— Kat noted that it would be nice if the platforms didn’t notify all members of a group when someone hearts or gives a thumbs up to one person’s text within the chat. I could not agree more.
— Another challenge people have with group chats is their lack of end dates. The texts can go on and on. Also, it bothers some people that certain members lurk and do not participate, especially when trying to schedule a get together.
— We talked about deciding if certain news is appropriate to share in a group text or any kind of text.
— Kat gave great advice for getting off of a group chat should the need arise.
— We discussed handling a curt response to a heartfelt text and the issues in can bring up such as a lack of reciprocity in the friendship. (Feelings that might be on to something, but could also easily be reading too much into the situation.) Kat offered great suggestions for these situations.
— Slow replies really get to people, but Kat encouraged accepting delayed replies as a normal part of texting now, and not to take it personally. If you need a timely answer, it’s fine to send a gentle reminder.
— The Washington Post article we discussed on texting etiquette is here.
BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK
1. Take things like texting response times less personally
2. Be aware of how our texting might come off. So you might need some awareness that the way you text or don’t text comes off a certain way whether we intend it or not. But also if you’re an avid texter, and you’re put off by somebody’s curt responses, consider that maybe that is just their texting style.
3. If you’re that person who gives a heart to somebody’s long text, consider stepping it up a little bit with a few words of encouragement and acknowledgement instead of an emoji.
- Maybe not as much for group texts, but for regular texts: learn the joy of the voice memo. Kat and I fully agree on that!
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