Yes, Reach Out to Your Friends During a Crisis

[00:00:00] Nina: Bottom line, the one thing I know, is that it is always the right thing to reach out to a friend. So if you’re listening to this and you’re like, I don’t know what to say to my friend, you don’t have to have an answer. None of us is looking for world peace solutions here. Just say, I’m thinking of you. I love you. And I know you’re hurting. It could be as simple as that.

Welcome to a definitely more somber episode of Dear Nina Conversations About Friendship. It’s 10 days since I woke up to about 100 texts from friends and family. That was Saturday, October 7th, asking if my son is okay. And people were asking if he’s okay because he’s in Israel.

So, of course I turned to the news immediately, although these days, I’ve got to tell you, well, I should correct myself. I don’t need to tell you this. You know this. What news do you turn to? It isn’t like the old days and I remember them too as a kid. I’m in my mid 40s. I remember there were three some or more channels to choose from but if you were going to watch morning news or evening news, there weren’t a ton of options. People would watch, you know, around the same time. So there wasn’t this non stop news everywhere, millions of choices.

So you get a hundred texts asking, How’s your son? How’s your son? They used his name. I don’t want to use his name here.

I didn’t really know where to turn. I don’t remember where I turned. It was Saturday morning. It was Shabbat here and still Shabbat in Israel. My son doesn’t use his phone on Shabbat, I don’t even remember where I looked, maybe CNN, maybe I looked on Twitter, too. I hope I would be smart enough not to do that, but I might have. I knew he was in Jerusalem, so I knew he was probably okay, but of course, you know, it’s unsettling until you hear. But, as the day went on, I started to see, all the news, all the horrific— I don’t know if all the images and videos were out yet—but we were getting news of Hamas going into homes doing all the brutal things that you have seen in the news. And I’m not looking to regurgitate every bit of it here.

My son is okay. So many people are not okay. There are going to be people in Israel who are not okay. There are going to be innocent people in Gaza who are going to be not okay. This is a horrific and terrifying time. And we’re going to talk about friends and the way they reach out and how comforting it is and how difficult it is when friends don’t reach out.

I don’t want to get into a whole history lesson. I’m not the person you turn to for that. Are there going to be people out there who are like, well, why didn’t she say this or why didn’t she say that? Maybe. I don’t know. This is not the podcast for that.

[00:02:45] Nina: And on one hand, I hope you will stay informed. On the other hand, it’s important to know that not everybody in your life has the same level of information, is tuned in to everything going on in Israel, Gaza, they’re not. It may seem so bizarre if you are mired in it the way I am, the way you are, if you’re listening and you’re in this category.

So in this episode, we’re gonna talk about several different kinds of friend issues people are having now. One is really easier to eliminate if you have a friend that is suddenly posting, let’s say paragliders. And, thumbs up and cheering that on, we’re done, we’re done. Like, there’s really nothing else to talk about. I think that’s the kind of divide in a friendship that isn’t gonna work.

That’s not really what we’re gonna focus on. I mean, to me, that’s a little bit more of an obvious one. There’s a lot more gray when it comes to the friend who didn’t reach out, and also if you’re a friend who hasn’t reached out and you’re seeing your friend post something on social media about how upset they are, their friends haven’t reached out, okay, like, well then what do you do?

So I want to talk about those scenarios. We’re going to also talk a little later in the episode. This is a short episode, so when I say later, I mean, 10 minutes from now. We’re going to talk about something really interesting I’ve noticed personally on the way the algorithm is working with people, or working against people, it’s a really bizarre example. It’s probably not one that you’re going to expect, so you’ll have to wait for that. But let’s go on to the issue of posts that are chastising friends for not posting, and chastising is really a loaded word. I don’t really mean it that way. I think a better way to say it might be people who are expressing disappointment for not having heard from friends.

When someone writes it in a Facebook post or, you know, Instagram post or anywhere else, I don’t know if they mean actual real life friends, like people that you are friends with on a more day to day basis or month to month basis or in person basis, or if they mean they’re social media friends.

But, you know, the way life is now, sometimes that’s one and the same. And I want to be clear that I’m not saying that people are wrong for posting that they are hurt. That is, you know, one way of doing it. And maybe it is a way to get the message out. It is not the way I would do it, but that doesn’t make me right.

And honestly, if it’s that many people, if it’s really a ton of people, you’re thinking up in your head that like, I’ve said nothing and you are really hurt. And this could be from any side of things, you know, Israeli, Palestinian, any background. If you are feeling like you should have heard from people and you’re not. Listen, that might be one way to go about it.

We don’t really know what keeps people from reaching out. It could be any number of reasons. I obviously couldn’t name them all. We don’t know what is going on in everyone’s head.

If you really haven’t heard from people and you’re really surprised and they are quality friendships and it’s so many people that you don’t even feel like you could kind of reach out and say, I’m hurt, which I know is hard to do, especially in a time like now when we are just in a total crisis and high anxiety at every second. Then maybe that is an efficient way, and maybe that did get the message to certain people in your life that then realized that they had made the wrong call.

I’ll read you something I wrote on Facebook last week. It was on October 12th, on my personal page, so not everybody can see that, because that’s for people who I know in real life. It was a picture of my son in Jerusalem, and it said, I’m posting this picture with my son’s permission. This is today in Jerusalem, which is feeling like a ghost town, and he says it looks like it too.

As always, thanks for the texts, calls, and notes on social media. I can’t always respond, but it’s so appreciated. I share your notes with my son when we talk, which is daily and often. He’s staying put for now, continuing his studies and volunteering where it’s possible and supporting local business. The answer to how I am is not going to change, so here it is. I’m worried, shocked, angry, scared for all of us in the world, all of us, Jews, Muslims, and everyone else in the crossfire of terrorism. Posts about international calls for violence against Jews are meant to terrorize us, and it works. my son is Resolved to stay where he is for now, and we’re resolved to support him, despite my worried mama heart.

So that’s what I put on Facebook, but I didn’t put that there to make anyone feel bad for not reaching out. I feel actually really, blessed to have had a lot of people reach out, whether it was before that post, after that post, this episode isn’t meant to be for me though. I’m trying to react to what I’m seeing out there.

Am I just choosing to only focus on the people who have reached out? Maybe I have a little bit of a glass half full kind of personality. I think I do, actually, in reflection. I’ve seen posts from people who are saying they’ve heard from nobody. I’m sure that feels awful. I don’t diminish that.

I’m sure it feels awful. In that case, that might be like the kind of case where I would say in a regular episode, if we were doing an episode about reaching out to friends, I’ve only done that topic in earnest once. It was episode number three, when you feel like you’re the friend who always reaches out.

But I bring it up in a lot of episodes actually, because a lot of times I say. Hey, listen, if reaching out is your superpower, then lean into it and celebrate it and don’t wait around to have plans. You reach out. Just be the person who reaches out.

But I do also say in the same breath, if the person doesn’t respond and say, yes, I want to go out. Monday’s great. Or if they don’t ever respond and say, I can’t do Monday, but how about Wednesday? Then probably it’s time to move on. And I feel kind of similarly here. If you find yourself in a position where no one in your life has reached out at all, I think it is probably okay to question who the people you have surrounded yourself with are.

I also don’t think reaching out has to mean posting on social media. It is murky out there in social media. Not everybody is a social media person. I’ve done an episode about, I think it was episode five. I can’t believe I can remember the numbers. You know, I always remember the early episodes cause those like were so painstakingly hard to make because I was so new at it. Episode five was about, when you feel like you’re always liking some people’s social media posts, you’re always sharing people’s businesses and things on social media and people aren’t doing the same back for you. one piece of advice I give there, and maybe it’s that same somewhat Pollyanna ish glass half full view, is we don’t know what the algorithm is doing.

And I’ll give you an example of that in a minute. And also, not everybody uses social media the way we use it, so to put that on the next person is maybe not fair. People should reach out to you personally, though. Yes, I think they should. if your group is in the news in some horrific way. And you have people in your life, yeah, a text saying I am thinking of your family right now is merited. I

[00:09:48] Nina: especially appreciate when people just say, I’m thinking of you and don’t ask a lot of questions because it’s a lot to stop and answer and answer and answer. That’s advice I guess I can give to other people is it’s wonderful when you can make maybe more of a comment than a question, to say I’m checking in and then the person can just heart it.

It’s just like an easier exchange than a lot of specifics of how my son is doing and what exactly he is doing and how exactly am I doing. That’s why I put in my Facebook post, I’m anxious. That’s what, that’s what I am. I’m worried. I’m anxious. I really am anxious. I think a lot of us are existing in a constant state of anxiety.

I think we need to ask ourselves what is it we want from our friends? one thing I’m seeing is we don’t want our friends to use euphemisms, if you’re going to post, let’s say, kind of just like vague references to violence in the world quote unquote. I’m making little like quote signs. You can’t really see that this was a specific violence in a specific place.

I brought this topic up in my Facebook group. I’ve gotten some private messages, none of which I can really share the specifics of, but just messages showing me notes from other people, really sweet, really thoughtful notes they’re not about, you know, trying to solve the Mideast peace crisis.

I actually saw a funny meme that I really liked about the college situation right now where it said something like, you don’t have the solution to the Mideast peace crisis. You can’t even get along with your roommate. And I think we can extend that same concept to our own friends. Like we’re not expecting friends to, and I would assume this goes for all sides, No one’s expecting their friends to know the solution. We’re just all people out here hurting I think no matter what the issue is, if you have a medical situation in your family and no one checks on you, that would feel horrendous.

I haven’t decided what to title this episode yet. I’m leaning towards something along the lines of it is always the right thing to check on your friends. If you’re worried about the right thing to do and you’re like, what is the right thing to do? I can’t tell you the right thing to post. I really can’t.

I can tell you it is always the right thing to check on your friends. Echoing what I said earlier, it’s awesome if you could do it in a way that requires very little of them. So something that can be answered with a thumbs up, with a thank you, with a I really appreciate it is great and not something that requires a lot of answers.

For the people receiving great messages from friends, I would also urge you to respond even if it’s just with a thumbs up and to say thank you to make it really clear that their message was appreciated because I think people really are nervous about what to do, what to say. And if someone posts something publicly that you really found helpful, comforting, or at least a show of support extra, thank you.

It’s really hard for people. Like I keep saying, it’s rough out there and not everybody is looking to get trolled endlessly. by commenters. I mean, every single time I post about this, and I post every day, I lose followers on my Instagram account at dear.nina.b.

I’ve posted a lot. I’m doing it on stories, not on my main posts. yeah, I’d say each time I put up a story, I lose followers and that’s fine. I’m not selling anything. I’m not here like with a business where my sales, you know, whatever, I don’t worry about that, but not everybody can take it you know.

I don’t want this episode to sound like I’m excusing people for not speaking up but I also know that there’s a human element here of fear a lot of people are feeling fear. All kinds of people. You know, people even who don’t feel they’re directly involved. There’s just like such a heightened sense of just a lot of fear.

I want to end with one quick thing to give an example of the bubble that we all live in. I saw a post somewhere. Can’t remember where because unfortunately I am way too online these days. I’m way too online in the best of times. And now I’m way, way too online. But I saw a post. She’s like, wow, my entire algorithm is full of people who are announcing that it’s end times and they’re, doing the best they can right now to get as much joy in as they can. They’re going to the beach, they’re doing this because they are sure the end of days is here.

She assumed we are all seeing that same stuff , and she was like, Oh, what do you say to these people? Aren’t you so irritated? And I was like, I haven’t seen one post like that. Not have I only not seen one post like that this week. I have not seen a post like that ever in my life ever. And I’ve been a very online person since 2010 at least when I started a blog. Isn’t that just a great example? Here is somebody on the same internet that I’m on. Who has, for most of her life, seen end time things. She doesn’t mean just now, she’s seen it pretty much whenever there’s a crisis, but she’s seeing a lot of it right now, especially because we’re talking about the Middle East.

And I’ve never seen a post like that. So I hope that that gives you a little illustration of like just how deep the bubble is. And some of the friends you may be really upset about, I know this seems impossible to believe, but it is possible they have not seen the level of things that you’re seeing.

It is possible. I also think it’s okay if you have a really close friend you have not heard from. I think it’s okay to speak up and just say, Hey, I’m having a really hard time. I’m anxious all the time. Open up the conversation, bringing it back to all these episodes I do about the friend who always reaches out.

It’s okay to sometimes say like, Hey, I’d like you to make the plan first once in a while. Even though I encourage people to like enjoy their superpower of being the one who reaches out, if it’s really, really always, always, always, always, It’s okay to once in a while say, I would like if you called me first, in a case like this, I think it’s okay to say, I haven’t heard from you and it might be that you’re scared to bring it up, but I just want you to know that I’m struggling.

I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy conversation and you might not get the answer you want. You might end up getting into a geopolitical conversation that actually is a bad turn for your friendship. Maybe it’s a conversation that needs to be had.

This episode’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to even record because I don’t have the answer. But bottom line, the one thing I know is that it is always the right thing to reach out to a friend. So if you’re on that side of things, if you’re listening to this and you’re like, I don’t know what to say to my friend, you don’t have to have an answer. None of us is looking for world peace solutions here. Just say, I’m thinking of you. I love you. And I know you’re hurting. It could be as simple as that.

Alright listeners, this is really the best I could do. Off the cuff, just talking. I’m sure I missed a lot. I hope to be back soon with my regular episodes about friendship because it’s a topic that is so important to me. I’m not going anywhere. But, you know, now you know I have a kid there. I am obviously really distracted.

I’ve heard from a lot of listeners or readers too, and I appreciate your friendship. It’s a different kind of friendship. I’ve even heard from a couple of people who noticed I didn’t do an episode last week and reached out to tell me, they missed hearing from me. And they, you know, could extrapolate why. They didn’t know I had a kid there, but, you know, I’ve done a lot of episodes about Judaism. Well, not a lot, but it comes up is what I’m saying. I’m not, secretive about how important it is to my life. So you know, anybody could know that I’m hurting this week.

So thank you for those messages. I hope you have some kind of peace this week. I hope you can reach out to a friend who you think might need it. I hope if you have a close friend or a decently close friend who you feel should have reached out, that you might consider, even though it’s annoying to be the one to have to do it, but maybe you give the idea that they are carrying a lot of their own fear of saying the wrong thing and be the one to reach out first and say, I’m struggling I want to be able to connect with you because what do we have if we don’t have each other, our friend.s We need that at least.

Thank you for listening. I will be back next week. I think. I guess I shouldn’t promise that. I hope to be back next week with something else.

See you then. Bye