Nina: [00:00:00] Welcome to Dear Nina, conversations about friendship. I’m Nina Badzin. I am your host. I’ve been your host for four years, but even if this is your first episode, I’m so happy to have you Welcome. You can start anytime. My episodes are really meant to be. One at a time. Each one stands on its own. And even these friendship challenges, which is what you have clicked on today, episode 1 53 but even those standalone.

In today’s episode, since we are right in the middle of the year of the challenges, I’m going to tell you briefly what the other challenges were and then we’ll get to today’s challenge, which you can do even if you haven’t done the other ones. Because today’s challenge is a mid-year friendship check-in that isn’t necessarily about the other challenges, it’s about your friendships in general.

But we will get there because I first do want to tell you briefly, what the other challenges were so far.

January was to see a friend in person. It didn’t have to be a local friend, [00:01:00] although if you were hoping to get it done that month, that maybe would’ve made more sense. But I said that you could even just put the plans in place to see somebody outta town.

The idea was to see a friend in person, and it was episode 1 27. February’s challenge was to start a friendship ritual, a tradition,. It didn’t have to be a group thing. This could be just a one-on-one. It could be something even simple like once a month let’s take a walk or it could be something a little more elaborate like a trip or a special kind of dinner or a themed thing, like everybody cooks something from a different cookbook and brings it and maybe that’s something you do just once a year.

And that was episode 1 31. March’s Challenge was the Hyperlocal Friendship Challenge for episode 1 35. We talked about doing something with somebody really close to your house or apartment, condo, wherever you live. It could be in the same building, it could be in the same neighborhood, but I pushed to find something to do with somebody in your very close proximity because proximity is such a huge part of keeping friendships up. April’s [00:02:00] challenge was episode one 40, and this is a really easy one actually. It didn’t require reaching out to anyone. For the most part, it was to put your friends’ birthdays in your calendar. Actually heard from more people than you would think on this one, they really appreciated it because they had missed a friend’s birthday maybe in the past couple years, a friend had missed their birthday. I pushed this because there’s so much discussion these days with good reason for spending less time on social media. The thing is, a lot of us depend on social media for the birthdays. So if you’re not going to be checking on social media as often. If you don’t have your friend’s birthdays in your calendar, then you’re definitely going to miss a friend’s birthday, and it’s such an easy way to let someone know you’re thinking of them and there’s really no reason not to.

And then the May challenge was episode 1 44, that was the secret power of changing the venue. This is maybe the friend you always walk with, but you’ve never sat across the table from and had a meal together. But the idea was to change how you communicate or see a friend. So it wasn’t just seeing, it was also communicating.

That’s why I used the [00:03:00] phone example. June’s challenge was episode 149, and that was to ask a friend for a favor. People struggled with this one.

Didn’t have to be anything massive, like could you help me move from one house to the other? And that would be a big favor to ask. I suggested something even small, and I had examples in the episode and I’m not going to go through them all here. That was episode 1 49.

We want to move on to today’s challenge. July’s challenge is to take the time to reflect on your friendship so far this year. That is the challenge itself is to take the time to reflect, but I’m going to provide three questions I want you to think about as you reflect.

You might even want to write down the answers, even if you’re someone who doesn’t normally journal or take notes. Put it as a document in your computer or have it as a notebook that you keep track of somewhere. Perhaps at the end of the year when we reflect again, you can see how you did it.

It’s hard to know how things are going socially, emotionally, physically, in your life without [00:04:00] some sort of way to measure. And as my husband, Brian constantly says in this house, to the kids, to me, to himself, what gets measured gets done. That is true. So July challenge and really all the challenges, the big theme of them. If you really think about all the things I said, every one of those puts you in the driver’s seat. None of those challenges say, sit around and wait for a friend to call you. None of those say keep track of who reaches out to you and how often.

I’m extremely against that. Every challenge is about what are you doing to be demonstrative in your friendships? To let your friends know that you’re thinking of them, to come up with ideas of things you can do together to be the one to reach out. If you have listened to this podcast ever before, you know, that is my big theme all the time, is to just be the one who reaches out and not keep track.

Question number one of the three midyear reflection questions does give you the opportunity to think about whether or not you are feeling supported in your friendships.

That is [00:05:00] question number one. Do you feel supported in your friendships? If you can reflect on this through writing, whether it’s a paragraph or bullet points. I am also a writing teacher, by the way. I have for the past nine years, maybe it’s 10 years now, been leading writing groups in Minneapolis at Modern, well in Minneapolis.

And before that, long before that I was an English teacher, writing and reading and literature and reflecting and essays and all of that. I’m also a writer myself, has been a huge part of my life. My whole life. My. Adolescence all the way through adulthood. I’ve had many, many essays published in all kinds of places.

Uh, I don’t talk about that that much on the podcast, but I am a writer first and foremost. writing is how I process things, and I think it’s a great idea. And like I said, even bullet points is great if you don’t feel like being expressive in a sentence by sentence level, like a paragraph type of thing.

I’m not saying you need to write an essay. make a A list. Do you feel supported in your friendships at this point in July? Where are you with your friendships? Do you feel a [00:06:00] sense of satisfaction? And there’s no right or wrong here. If the answer is no, that’s okay. That’s what we’re here to work on.

Don’t shy away from how you truly feel.Take a little time to assess how things are going when you reach out to certain people, even if you’re always the one who reaches out. Because again, I don’t want you to measure who’s reaching out when, when you reach out, does the other person reach back in terms of saying yes or no? I don’t mean do they reach out first, do they say yes or no?

If you text somebody, email, call and suggest a walk or getting together, even just a phone call, you’re just trying to catch up. Are they responsive? And I don’t mean do they write back immediately. because remember, everybody has completely different communication styles , that’s an important thing to accept.

I’ve had to accept that a lot in my own life. because I’m so fast and I really am trying to be not so fast because I don’t think it’s a good thing necessarily to be reachable constantly and immediately like that. Although if you’re friends with me, you know I’m failing miserably at that because I do respond pretty quickly.

[00:07:00] Mostly that is about me being really type A about notifications and I can’t stand having something I haven’t responded to because I’m worried I’ll forget. So that’s like a different issue and my own personal issue, but I think other people suffer from that as well.

You have to accept that not everybody has your communication style. So it bothers me to have stuff sitting in my inbox. It doesn’t bother everybody. not everybody I know responds as quickly as I do because they don’t care if something’s been sitting there for three days.

That’s just how they roll. And it’s not personal. They don’t respond to anybody quickly. So learning to take other people’s communication, not as personally is a great skill to work on, but in your friendships, your personal friendships right now, at this moment , how do you feel it’s going in terms of

communication? Do they suggest other dates and times of what you have suggested doesn’t work? When I reflect on this one for myself, I think it’s going well. I’m feeling good about my friendships. One thing that I did an episode on, which was number 1 21, so it was a while back,

Episode 1 21 was [00:08:00] about rules for making plans. I did that one because I feel like I am always the one who suggest dates. When I reach out to people or when people reach out to me, somehow I’m the one who has to open the calendar.

I have no idea why that has become the way it is, that’s just what’s been going on in my life for some years. People will reach out to me and say, Hey, want to get together for a walk? Send me some dates. Or other way around, I’ll be like, Hey, you want to get together? , And I suggest dates from the go.

I am in both scenarios doing the dates and as I discussed in episode 1 21 looking in your calendar and finding the dates that you are available is the worst part of making plans. Everyone hates that part, I think. I mean, I know that’s a generalization, but I’ve never met somebody who enjoys scouring their calendar and kind of being like, okay, I have a dentist appointment this time. I have work on these days. I have a meeting this time. Or, okay, here’s when I can walk this Sunday at 10:00 AM. I don’t mind doing it sometimes it would just be nice if I didn’t have to do it all the time. So when I reflect on this question, number one, do I feel supported in my friendships? How are my friendships going so far? I think [00:09:00] they’re going pretty well, and I think I’ve made a dent in asking other people to send dates, but I think I’m gonna continue to do it more in the second half of the year. I’ve done it a few times just this week alone, somebody asked me to walk and I gave a date and she said that date doesn’t work.

But she’s the one who asked me to walk. So I was like, okay, can you send me other dates? I’m just starting to get a little more stern on that. That’s the only word I can think of. Meaning before I go dive back into the calendar and find more, it’s like, no, you send me dates. So that’s where we’re at. I know I sound a little, angry on that.

I don’t mean to be angry. I just feel like everyone can be doing their part of the worst part of making plans, which is the calendar. Alright, number two. This is not going to be a surprising flip on the same question. Question two is who are you supporting?

Who are you supporting? In friendship? This is the most important question. It is the only part you can control. You decide who you are giving to in a friendship, and it’s. The only part that’s worth keeping track of, who [00:10:00] are you giving to? Who do you want to spend your time on?

Who do you want to reach out to? Who do you want to send dates to from your calendar? Who do you want to see? Who do you enjoy spending time with? Who are you supporting? And if that list is small, this is the place to spend your time to identify people that you would enjoy being with and putting the time into them, doing the giving, doing the suggesting of getting together, doing the reaching out, sending the funny memes, who are you supporting?

And then hopefully later in the year, the answer to question number one, do you feel supported will be even more of an affirmative yes, because you’ll have been putting time into other people.

And number three is one that I would normally talk about more in the fall around the time of the Jewish holidays when we think about these things, but it is, who are you giving a break to these days? That’s another thing that only we can control. You can’t control if someone annoys you. You can’t [00:11:00] control if somebody was rude to you.

You can’t control if somebody took a week to get back to you when you know that they’ve been on their phone and you’re with them and they’re on their phone all the time, and so it’s annoying that they haven’t responded to you. You can’t control how anyone else communicates or reaches out, or makes plans, or interacts with you in any way.

You absolutely cannot control if somebody is critical of you, if somebody puts you on the defensive. So my question for number three is, who are you giving a break to? And the reason I bring that up is because most of us are needing of that at some point in the year, most of us have forgotten someone’s birthday or been really snappy with a friend when we were in a bad mood about something else.

And we did not mean to be snappy with that friend, or we missed a text and that friend has been feeling a little bit neglected and resentful of it and. Hopefully has measured in some way all the good stuff you’ve done and decided to forget about it and not take an offense on every small thing.

We will probably revisit this concept in the fall when it is very much in the [00:12:00] energy around me and something I’m thinking about pro a lot in my life. It’s good this time of year in the summer, in the middle of the year to be thinking about giving people a break and just knowing as we put that energy out in the world. I, I’m sorry to sound so, you know, I don’t even know New age, spiritual, but I, but I believe that we do get back a lot of what we give.

If you are spending the first half of the year or any amount of time, it doesn’t matter what time of the year it is really. Thinking constantly about who has offended you, who has insulted you, who has not been there for you, who, owes you something.

Just spend a little time instead on giving people a break, releasing them. I’m not saying you should chase people who aren’t likely going to be the right friend in your life, but release it. And think about who is supporting you, which was question number one. How do you feel supported in your friendships?

and then who are you supporting? Number three is to let go, to give the people a break. And mentally in your mind, you don’t need to tell them. Just to give people a break. Know that nobody’s perfect, and know [00:13:00] that sometime later this year you may need a break. You may have messed up in some way.

That’s what I’m getting to you later this year or sometime next year, two years from now, may do something to inadvertently insult somebody. Offend somebody. You didn’t communicate back, you dropped the ball, you forgot a birthday, you did something. And if you are always holding people to an impossible standard of perfection, that is what you’re going to get back.

You’re going to get back that People expect the same impossible standard from you. so this is an opportunity middle of the year to release that to, think about with question number three is who can you give a break to? Who can be released from your sort of mental list of people you’re annoyed at?

So there you go. Those are our mid-year reflections. The July challenge to put some time into thinking about do you feel supported in your friendships? Who are you supporting? And number three, who could use a break?

When love doing these once a month [00:14:00] solo episodes, by the way. and I’m excited because next week you are going to hear from my assistant producer Rebecca Jacobs. Again, we have such a juicy topic. I cannot wait to share it with you. That will be the next week. and we are coming up on my live event in Chicago, in the end of July, I will be live in my hometown of Highland Park with Rebecca Jacobs. That’s part of why I want this episode with her next week to be aired before that so you can get a reminder of how fabulous she is.

She will be up there with me in Chicago at the end of July, and it would be so fun to meet some of you. So I hope some of you can make it. You can meet my mom, you can meet Taryn who’s been on a lot of episodes. You can meet my friend Deborah, who’s been on a few episodes. My husband will be there.

He’s been on a few episodes. We’ll, so we’re gonna have some who’s who of the Dear Nina guest list roster there, but only Rebecca will be on the mic with me. And we have the wonderful topic of friend groups, which comes up quite a bit on this show. because [00:15:00] it’s an issue for not just teens, but for adults too.

I hope you get a lot of thinking about these questions and I will see you next week when our friendships are going well. We are happier all around. Thanks so much and don’t forget to rate and review. I. I’d like to take the time to remind you of that in these solo episodes.

On Apple especially, it’s really important to rate and review and if you happen to be a YouTube user. If you follow the show on YouTube at Dear Nina friendship, that’s also really helpful. All right, thank you. Have a great week. Bye.