Amy: It’s like we’re all still in high school trying to get to the cool table in the cafeteria. There’s no such thing. We’re adults. There’s no such thing as a cool table. Just go sit down somewhere. Go find somebody else who’s looking for a place to sit. You have the power to do this. There’s no cool table in adulthood.

We’re all just out here doing our best. We’re all messy. We’re all failing, and we’re all flying. We’re all doing both. Go build a table. Friendship will favor the bold. Friendship will favor those who are bold enough to be rejected. I’ll tell you, I do have quite a few friends right now. I’m in a good space.

I get rejected. Got rejected all the time. All the time. Hey, do you wanna go to coffee? Nope. Hey, lemme try to build some of this. Nope, it’s not there. I got rejected so much. . Be bold enough to reach out, be bold enough to throw the party, be bold enough to like somebody and to get to know them. Be bold enough to put yourself out there and you will be rewarded for that.

[00:01:00] Welcome to Dear Nina, conversations about friendship. So happy to have you here if you are brand new. So happy if you have been with me for any amount of time. Today’s episode is somewhat of a follow-up. It’s like a continuation of the episode the week before. that was with Dr. Noelle Santorelli where we talked about relational aggression and dealing with mean mom groups.

Nina: This week is more focused on, okay, so you were left out. Now what, what do you do next? Last week it was more recognizing the kind of behaviors you don’t wanna be around this week is more about, okay, but what are you gonna do about it?

And we didn’t have time to get into that, last week. So I don’t mean to imply that Dr. Noelle wouldn’t have amazing advice on that. I know she would. This week I was able to really focus on just that. My guest is bestselling author Amy Weatherly.

She has been writing about friendship for a long time, both on her own and with her writing partner on sister. I am with you, Jess Johnston

where they have over 2 million people who read their words about [00:02:00] friendship. It’s quite incredible. They always have a lot of amazing things to say. I have played recently in my end of 2025 episode a beautiful poem about friendship and about going where the love is, about focusing on where the good energy is.

I read that at my live event in Chicago, and then I replayed that clip in the end of 2025 episode. I think that was episode 1 78, I’m gonna link that too here. I’ve also had Amy and Jess on Dear Nina before.

This episode is a little bit of tough love, but I think it will really help a lot of people. Let’s get to it.

All right, Amy, welcome back to Dear n. I’m so excited to have you back.

Amy: Oh my gosh, Nina, I am pumped to be here.

Nina: we are doing this episode, uh, on the heels of still lots of stuff going around the internet about mean moms and, being excluded from groups. When you and I were talking about having a conversation live, we talked about what can you do if you realize you’re left out and , let’s put some power in the [00:03:00] person who felt they were left out.

Amy: I’m so glad, and I’m actually so glad you used the word power. That’s one of the things I, I think whenever I, I look back, I wish someone had said, you have power in this situation. What are you doing? You are not fragile. You are not defenseless. Stand up. You’ve got power here. to rule yourself and change the way you are thinking.

Nina: So for context, you feel like you can remember times in your life. I know I can too. And you and I both hear from a lot of people that have felt excluded, left out at any age, teens, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties and beyond.

Amy: oh, absolutely. It is one of the grayest messiest Areas of female friendship. And can I just say I do not like calling women mean or catty and, oh, all women do. My gosh, let’s build each other up. Like the world is hard enough on women without us constantly painting each other as the problem.

Our relationships are different than men because we are more emotional and we [00:04:00] share more of our feelings.

And with that, there will be a messy side of it. But man, women are beautiful. Women are so great and, I hate that they get labeled poorly because I just, I don’t see it that way

Nina: So what do you tell people when they come to you with, I’ve been left out, it doesn’t just have to be mom groups. I mean, there’s, by the way, plenty of women in the world who aren’t married and don’t have kids. So it could be

anything like I’m in college and there’s this group, there’s this friend group, and I’m not part of it.

There’s a text group and I’m not on it. what do you tell the people?

Amy: I would tell them that I understand that has been a driving force in my life. It drove me to do what I do. I was a person who would get so hurt by being excluded. I would really take that hurt in and like rub it in and let it become who I was. And I wish I hadn’t done that. now as a 42-year-old woman, my view is really flip flopped on it. I’ve really changed my view. So that’s the first thing is that you are not alone. I would just remind people that [00:05:00] instead of jumping straight to labeling, they’re mean, they’re toxic. Are they? Or are they messy? Can we give some grace here for the messiness that is being human?

along with being a messy human, is going to come a bit of messiness in your relationships, especially if those relationships are close. but I think the second we label somebody as mean toxic, without looking at the bigger picture, we push them away. We close the door on what could be a lot of friendships.

We start seeing things in such a negative light and if that’s what we’re focused on, that’s what we’re find. If you focus on finding good, kind, inclusive women who are doing their best. That is also what we’ll find. If you can change your mind shift, you can change what you find in the world.

Because most women are so good and most women are working so hard, and most women want to build beautiful friendships with other women, the large majority, but they’re all gonna mess up and they will [00:06:00] all exclude at some point.

Nina: nobody’s perfect. I talk a lot on here about the challenge of if you are the kind of person who enjoys and appreciates one-on-one time with people, but you also have friends in common, if you don’t include all 10 people, you know, in common, are you excluding people? If a friend introduces you to other people and then you spend time with that friend, you don’t invite the original friend every single time?

Are you mean, are you toxic? And I, I would say no. You’re just spending time with a

person.

Amy: Yeah. And it’s different than kindergarten. At kindergarten, it’s so cut and dry. My daughter’s in elementary school. It’s so easy. Yeah. We’re inviting every girl in your class. Absolutely. That is the right thing to do. That’s what we’re gonna do. Yeah. We’re inviting everybody on your soccer team that is cut and dry.

No feelings to be hurt there. I’m not in an elementary school classroom. It’s not cut and dry for me. I know these people and these people, and these people know these people, and these are my acquaintances, but sometimes the table holds four and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes I can’t invite every person I’ve ever met to a girl’s dinner whether I want to or not. [00:07:00] It’s not possible. The game changes when you become an adult and it’s usually not cut and dry. It’s usually not black or white. It is such a large area of gray. we’ve all been on both sides. We’ve all been left out, we’ve all been excluded. We have to give grace because we’ve all also done it. If we are honest with ourselves, at some point we have had to cut and say, okay, here’s where I’m drawing the line. 10 people can come, but that 11th person’s feelings are probably hurt, but you maybe didn’t have a choice. We have to be grown up and mature, and healthy in the way that we handle it.

Nina: Sometimes people say there’s always room for more, and I feel weird pushing back on that. ’cause that sounds like such a

nice kind thing

Amy: It’s so beautiful,

Nina: sort of like in theory, yes, there’s always room for more in theory, except that isn’t always true because sometimes there literally isn’t.

There’s times when there’s limits on a number we have to deal in reality.

Amy: Yeah. And we have to do our best. there’s one party that I try to host every year, um, once a year. It’s at the same time every year. And it is genuinely a [00:08:00] come, you come, you bring your friend. I’m going to do my best to have plenty of food. but even that party, which I really, anybody can come.

I open up my house, you can go to the back door. I try to have stuff going on in the backyard. I try to have stuff going on in the front yard, it can hold a lot of people. There’s still a limit. I don’t live in a mansion. I don’t have enough money to buy food for everybody in town.

I would, I did, man, I, I really wish I did. I think every once in a while, a big social event. I love it every once in a while, but you know what, I also like having a one-on-one conversation. I enjoy the small conversation because again, if everybody is invited to everything and everything is this huge event, you are going to have deep friendships with zero people. Those deep friendships, those close friendships are only built really in those small quarters where you can have a real conversation. And at a big event like that, like the conversations change. They’re just different. You’re not sitting down on the couch When there are 50 people around going, so tell me what’s really going on in your life. Tell me the really hard stuff. No, [00:09:00] that happens over coffee and one-on-one in a safe space. So yeah, I enjoy a big event every once in a while, but I like close time with my friends more.

Nina: that’s the big thing is if you enjoy one-on-one time. I enjoy that. We have to assume, or other people should assume that others like that, and therefore there’s going to be these small things that you maybe hear about later. But aren’t you also out there having coffee with someone or going on a walk with someone?

Did you invite every single person you know?

Amy: When you invite someone on a walk, you inviting everybody on your street. No, it’s not a. fun walk. That’s out of some kind of parade.

Nina: That’s a parade. That’s what I gonna say.

Amy: I think one of the problems is we have conflicting ideas out there. writing memes and sharing stuff on the internet, you share a pretty idea that sounds really good, that people will latch onto. There are conflicting ones. we’re like, choose your people, have boundaries, protect your energy. all of those things, you know what I’m saying? But then also we’ll also invite everyone.

Don’t ever hurt anybody’s feelings. Don’t ever leave anybody out. Well, you can’t do both. You can’t [00:10:00] do both. In choosing that also means you leave things behind

Nina: It really is true about the conflicting ideas. It’s the, be kind and include everyone and teach the kids to include everyone and, and this is a lot of, this is stuff I’ve covered so much on the podcast. One thing that I talked about last week with Dr. Noelle that I think you’ll appreciate too is, What we teach our kids, especially girls, about dating, we flip when we talk to them about friendship and that’s confusing. So we tell them if somebody wants to go out with them and somebody calls them constantly, let’s say it’s a love interest of some kind. We would never say you have to invite them to everything.

You have to take every call. You have to go out with this person. We would never, we would be like. Do you like this person or not, and we would give them a lot of choice, but with friends we’re like, you have to include everyone. You have to invite everybody. and we encouraged this quick friendship we encourage them to jump on every single friendship chemistry, where with, dating, we might be like, well, let’s be careful.

We’d forget to tell and teach and then allow adults to be a little careful first.

Amy: and if people’s feelings will [00:11:00] get hurt, it’s just, inevitable and it’s inevitable that your feelings will be hurt and your feelings are valid, but the only thing you can control is how you deal with it.

Nina: number one, we wanna leave people here with okay, you’ve been excluded. And number one was. Mindset, to not look at the world like everybody is mean and horrible and out to get

you.

Amy: You’ve had one experience with one person, does not mean you’re gonna have that with everybody. Um, the second thing I would say, and we kind of talked on this, is having so much grace because you have also excluded, you have also left out. You also at some point have invited four people to coffee and probably had a fifth and sixth person whose feelings got hurt.

You have done it too. And I think that there’s so much grace that comes with that, and you probably didn’t do it to be mean. You know your heart. So you know, you didn’t do it to be mean. You know you didn’t do it to intentionally hurt somebody. and we know that, so we kind of excuse ourselves and give ourselves grace.

But we don’t know the other person’s heart. So we assume their heart was bad. We assume their heart was out [00:12:00] to get us. We assume their intentions were malicious, and that’s not fair. It’s easier to assume they were trying the best they could too. and I would say another thing that I want people to remember, it’s kind of gonna get hard, but it’s true. if they don’t want you there, baby, is that where you wanna be?

Do you wanna be outta place? Do you want to choose people who are not choosing you? I don’t. Do you know what I think is kinder at the age of 42 than giving me a pity invite, letting me not waste my time and not waste my energy and giving me the freedom to go out and find my people. I think that is kinder.

Nina: Amen.

Amy: I don’t around

people who don’t want me there,

Nina: Don’t drag me along all through my thirties so that in my forties and my fifties, I’m still not sure who my friends are. But that is hard to hear and it’s hard advice to execute. I’ve given it myself.

be because I think we’re scared. Of being labeled mean. Right. And so we end up kind of dragging people [00:13:00] along because it feels kinder, but it actually is probably more cruel.

Amy: 1000%. It is cruel. and I hate to hurt somebody’s feelings, hurt my feelings all day long. I can handle that. But if I found out that I’ve hurt somebody, it literally, it cripples me. I will not eat. I will not sleep. I hate to find out that I’ve excluded, somebody I have never ever done something Trying to hurt somebody. I have actually always overthought it. Probably

Nina: Yeah,

same.

Amy: I think I went through a lot of my life and there was, um, my 40th birthday.

Okay. So I was very excited to turn 40 and I was like, you know, I’m 40. I, still feel good. I’m so grateful for my life. I wanna celebrate it. And so I had friends like, Hey, what can we do for your 40th birthday? We wanna throw you a party. I told everybody, I was like, no, no, no, no. I don’t wanna do that.

Because I was like, I don’t know who to invite and I don’t wanna hurt anybody’s feelings, and I just don’t want anybody to go to trouble for me. So I just, I don’t wanna have a birthday party. And I finally had a friend who, she’s been my friend for a long time, and she gets me on the phone and she goes, Amy [00:14:00] Elizabeth, we’re throwing you a 40th birthday party. You have people who want to celebrate. Don’t deny us that. That is something we want to do. That is a gift we want to give you. Celebrate it. Don’t overthink this.

Invite the people that you love, that you care and you want there. And then you just have to let the cards, but don’t deny us doing this. And I think in that, there was something that kind of clicked with me. That I was like, Amy, how much of your life have you missed out on? How much of your life have you not lived because you were so scared to hurt other people’s feelings?

And when I really thought about it, it’s a giant chunk of my life,

Nina: Yeah, no, I

relate

Amy: giant chunk of of my life that I was like, I would rather stay in my house alone than hurt somebody’s feelings. And now that I’m 42 and I’m like, oh my gosh, crap, life is really short. I can’t, I don’t wanna do that. I wanna have the 40th birthday.

I wanna get together with my friends. I wanna have coffee. I don’t wanna hurt anybody’s feelings, but I’m also not going to miss out on life because it is short.

Nina: with the Ashley Tillsdale article in mind. I mean, it’s like we can’t [00:15:00] not talk about it a little bit because it hit such a nerve with people. Essentially what she describes is what so many women come to both of us and describe, which is they’re part of a thing.

Well, a lot of times people are never even part of the thing to start. In this case, she was part of a group eventually they stopped inviting her to stuff. She realized it online and realized over time that even if she was there, people didn’t talk to her as much. she spoke for so many women, and that’s why it was relatable.

. But then the other side comes out a little bit which is, she wasn’t considerate or she wasn’t this, or she only talked about herself, and I’m making up some of these examples, but there was stuff to stay on the other side.

And it’s too bad that this had to get dragged out publicly. Now that she’s done with that group.

She wrote to the group, I’m done. Okay, fine. So she did that. I have to imagine this is now it could be anybody. I’m not picking on her in particular. She’s gonna find other friends. I’m sure she seems like a girl’s girl.

There’s no way, there aren’t gonna be five other women at that school. Three other women, two other women who want what that is. She’s gonna find some other friends and, and they’re gonna be like, oh, I wish I was [00:16:00] invited to that. So to your point, we’ve all had it done to us and we’ve all done it. And what is the it? It is gelling with some people.

I used that word a lot last week literally having chemistry with some people. And not everybody has chemistry.

Amy: No. And then protecting that and going, okay, there’s a good number is here. The vibes are so good. Our energy’s good. I trust every, this is a safe circle. And you let 10 people into that circle, and again, the intimacy is instantly gone. ‘ when I look at myself and I am someone who used to get very hurt by being left out, I am someone who used to get very, hurt by being excluded. It only changed when I started looking in the mirror and go, okay, you can’t change them or how they feel. You can change you. So, why does this hurt so bad? And I came up with a few things. One of the reason why it hurts so bad is because if you want a close-knit group of women, and you see other women having that, your first inclination is, is to want it, and when you want it and somebody [00:17:00] has it, it’s so much easier to go well, there’s so mean, they won’t let me include it the right answer. Is to go, okay, I’m not in that circle.

I’m gonna go build one. I am going to go find other people on the outside of this instead of begging my way into this circle. I have the power to build my own. I have the power to invite people to coffee. I have the power to reach out. I have the power to be a good friend to somebody, not them.

They’re clearly, they’re set. That is not a space for me. I can go build a space though. And I think that’s where we lose it. ’cause we want what they have so bad that we get so mad that we’re not in it. And instead what we should do, see it as inspiration,

instead of looking at that group of women and, label them as mean, being mad that they won’t let us in, Find them as inspiration. Let that be inspiration for what is possible. It is possible to have a close knit group of women. It is possible to have friends that you love and trust that you have something really special [00:18:00] with.

Look at them as inspiration instead of being jealous.

Nina: It’s a tall order. But I, I really agree. And I would add you’re starting one at a time. I always tell people, do not look for a group. If you find a group, that group is probably not that open. And, a guest I had in December, Dr.

Janice McCabe, she’s a sociology professor at Dartmouth and she just had a piece in the New York Times that I’ll put in the show notes and we talked about it in the episode as well about friendship markets yeah, if you are looking for a group and you find a group, that market is

probably closed

Amy: it’s gonna happen very organically. It’s not gonna be, ’cause you forced your way in. It will be like a very natural, gradual thing where you don’t even recognize that, oh, they’ve let me in. It will be something that just happens.

But like

over years, like you’re not, don’t force it.

they have worked hard to build that friendship. They have spent time together.

Nina: Right.

Amy: can’t just like push yourself into that. they’ve got a chemistry, they’ve got experience, they’ve got history.

Nina: That’s right, and that’s why you don’t look for a group. You look for a friend and then maybe [00:19:00] another friend, and then maybe another friend, and maybe eventually you bring these people together naturally by hosting things. But again, that does not happen overnight. It’s not like tv. A lot of people have lots of friends that aren’t connected. It is not abnormal. And if like we get one thing across, it is not abnormal to have a friend here, a friend there, a friend there that don’t even know each other. It’s really nice when you can have people know each other so you can do things like have a 40th birthday and have it be like fun and easy and people know each other, but it doesn’t always work out that way and nothing’s wrong with you.

Amy: nothing’s wrong with you. So many women searching for friends. It’s like we’re all still in high school trying to get to the cool table in the cafeteria. There’s no such thing. We’re adults. There’s no such thing as a cool table.

Just go sit down somewhere. Go find somebody else who’s looking for a place to sit. you have the power to do this. There’s no cool table in adulthood. We’re all just out here doing our best and we’re all messy. We’re all failing, and we’re all flying. We’re all doing both. Go build a table. Friendship will favor the bold. Friendship will [00:20:00] favor those who are bold enough to be rejected. I’ll tell you, I do have quite a few friends right now. I’m in a good space. I get rejected, got rejected all the time. All the time. Hey, do you wanna go to coffee? Nope. Hey, lemme try to build something of this.

Nope, it’s not there. I got rejected so much,

Nina: Yes.

Same. Same.

Amy: be bold enough to reach out, be bold enough to throw the party, be bold enough to like somebody and to get to know them. Be bold enough to put yourself out there and you will be rewarded for that.

Nina: That’s beautiful. That’s exactly right. nobody made friends without being rejected. You’re going to miss some or you actually do succeed. You are friends with people and it ends for any number of reasons.

It fades. It doesn’t have to end dramatically.

Amy: And again, I think it’s comforting to know everybody’s gone through it. There’s nothing wrong with you, Now, again, there might be things you need to work on. finally when I got healthy enough and mature enough to go, Hey, you keep getting your feelings hurt over being excluded. What can we do about that? Because I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt. And I just looked in the mirror and was like, okay. Again, what can [00:21:00] I do? You know what, Amy, you’re pretty insecure. You are just desperate, going around begging everybody to like you. You are not yourself. You are playing this role that you think people want you to be.

you are like chasing friendship. You’re begging them because you’re so insecure. Stop doing that. Let’s take some time and actually get to know yourself and work on your confidence and work on that inner stuff so your outer relationships can thrive. I had to look in the mirror and go, you know what, when you do get excluded, do you act a little petty?

Do you get a little passive aggressive?

Nina: this is important. I think this is number four. So wait, let’s review for a second so I have it. Number one was. Change your mindset. Not everybody is mean. Don’t walk around the world thinking women are horrible. Women are terrible. What was number two?

Amy: we’ve all done it. Give grace because we have all excluded. We’ve all given grace in choosing your people. You leave people out.

Nina: and I would say number three was really, we maybe didn’t say it right at the beginning, but it’s what we talked about. It was just be [00:22:00] bold. And I love how you said friendship favors the bold

Amy: Number four is look in the mirror.

Look, come here you can’t change anybody else. So if you wanna change things and you wanna change your life, you have got to keep your side of the street clean and stop expecting everybody else to do it for you. Nobody can go back and try to work on those old wounds from high school.

We’ve all got ’em. Only you can do that.

Nina: Well, you were starting to say, and I

think this folds into

number four.

Amy: and passive aggressive? Yeah, I did in the past, and you know how many doors that closed. It didn’t only close the doors from the people who I was upset with. It also probably closed the door to people who were watching, who were like, I want that drama in my life.

Nina: Right.

Amy: it just never goes the way you think it will. you are doing that because you wanna be closer to people and that pushes people away. It does not work.

Nina: There is always gonna be things that you weren’t included in. That was part of the, we’ve all done it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all done it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes you have to draw the line somewhere. This stuff’s hard because I know that there are gonna be listeners who are very

[00:23:00] frustrated with this

Amy: I know, I know. And, but I want this to feel like a hug ’cause these are just things that I wish somebody had said to me. I wish somebody had said, Hey, just because they didn’t invite you doesn’t mean that they don’t like you. just because you didn’t get included this time does not mean that that’s the end of the friendship.

You don’t have to close the door. and just because you have been left out of that group does not mean that you cannot go out and find people of your own. it hurts. And you are fair that that hurts. I would never, ever take that away from somebody and I would never not be gentle with somebody about that because it does hurt very badly, but I can’t save anyone The pain from it happening. I cannot save my own daughter. So we talk about it a lot and I have really worked very hard to build her up that when she sees two of her friends having a play date, it’s no big deal because I’m like, yeah, that’s the way it goes. Sometimes you have a play date, with just one friend too.

It is fair that they wanna be together.

Nina: It is the best message that we could be giving the next generation is to not be [00:24:00] hysterical about it

Amy: try not to choose offense. They’re having to play it together. No big deal. You know what? I don’t know why you got left out and I’m so sorry that hurts. but remember you had girls spend the night.

I only let you invite three girls. There were a lot of girls that you really like that you could not invite, but you still really like them. You might invite them to the next sleepover. This time just wasn’t your time. And I’ll tell you another thing. When someone is mean to her or someone hurts her feelings, I never want to jump right to well, it’s because she’s jealous of you. Because that’s not true. And that means either someone’s your friend or someone’s your villain, and that’s not true.

There’s a whole lot of in between there, right? I mean, they’re jealous of you. Maybe they straight ’em just don’t like you.

Nina: Yes, Amy, I wanna end on this one. If we’re thinking of this episode as, what we wish people had told us, it’s the actually ultimate truth is not everyone’s gonna like you. It’s like we’re being sleuthy. Oh, they, they had this event and didn’t invite me and they did this. And we’re trying to like, figure out, I guess the thing that maybe you already know in your heart, which is they might not like you. You might have to just stop looking for clues.

[00:25:00] Maybe you’ve seen enough clues

Amy: Yeah.

Nina: to move

on.

Amy: Yep. And it’s okay not to be liked. And I think one of the hardest things I think for me is that I always felt if someone didn’t like me, It’s because I did something wrong and if I did something wrong, there must be something wrong with me. So that is the genuine line that I think I drew and I think a lot of women do.

I just wanna love on everybody and hug everybody enough and go, nothing’s wrong with you. Nothing’s, nothing is wrong with you. Just because one person does like you, that does not change who you are. And again, that kind of comes in looking in the mirror and going, Hey, my confidence

Is off my confidence is not where it should be. If I’m letting one person disliking me, change my view of myself. that’s a me thing. That’s not a them thing. I’ve gotta get to where I am unshakeable. I know my heart and I know I’m trying and I know I’m loving everybody. So when someone doesn’t like me, it’s okay. I can just keep going and keep breathing. because I know my heart. I know who I am. again, nobody can give that to you. everybody in the whole world can, like you, can approve of you. You’ve gotta [00:26:00] approve of yourself before it matters.

Nina: If you do hear from somebody, I know I do. Sometimes they truly feel that every friendship has ended or they

don’t get accepted into anything. I do think there is that space for some self-reflection at that point. and I know there are people with different social skills out there. It may be that there are some things you gotta work on.

Maybe you have to listen more, maybe you have to reach out more. People get tired of always having to reach out to you. Maybe, you know, you have to do a little picking up at the phone. Um, there may, I don’t know. It’s any number of

things and

Amy: It could be that you’re bad at choosing friends. It could be that you are not choosing people that you really like. You’re just choosing anybody and everybody.

Nina: It’s hard piece of the puzzle to talk about because it sounds a little bit like victim blaming and that’s not what I’m trying to do.

I’m actually trying to genuinely help and it, this is coming all the way back to the beginning. It’s, we’ll, we’ll end it. At this point that labeling everybody mean and toxic doesn’t help you [00:27:00] work on what really might be needed, which are, you might actually need to work on some of your social skills.

And I mean that with all seriousness and with love, that it might help there may be a reason that you’re struggling with a lot of friends and it may not be, but every situation’s different. And just throwing a quick label on it, doesn’t help actually.

Amy: again, I think it’s a confidence thing to go. I can take this feedback, I can look in the mirror and look and go, Ooh, you are not really doing great here. But that’s a confidence thing. You gotta get confident enough to recognize your flaws. And until you recognize your flaws, you cannot change your flaws I’ll tell you, I’m very constantly working on my skills, my social skills. I am constantly working on being Amy, shut your mouth and talk less.

Nina: Yes. Okay. Well, same obviously that’s like my number one Achilles heel. I i’ve gotten actually a lot better. The podcast I think has helped. It’s like giving me a place to channel it. Actually, here’s a place I can talk.

Amy: Again, that comes to like, you have the power. I am not naturally a confident [00:28:00] person. I am naturally extremely insecure. I have had to work on it. with social skills, I do have some natural friendliness. I genuinely just like people. I’m gonna throw this in there too because it’s another tidbit, and this is what I think if we label everybody as me and we see everybody as toxic before we really get to know them, we’re cutting ourselves off so short.

Because the truth is, if you want to be liked, the secret to being liked is to like other people.

Nina: That’s

Amy: And if you don’t like ’em, they’re probably gonna sense that You’ve probably ended that relationship before ever had a shot. the best chance of liking somebody is to make them feel liked I like you.

I’m curious about who you are. I wanna know more about you. It’s good to feel liked, make somebody else feel that way. That is the biggest secret to friendship.

Nina: All right, Amy, it’s time to wind down. What do we wanna leave the listeners

with?

Amy: I want this to be like their rocky moment, that music is playing and they’re running up the stairs and like pump them up. you have the power. You have the power. You have the power to be a good friend to someone. And change their life. You [00:29:00] have the power to throw the party.

You have the power to invite. You have the power to look in the mirror and change the things about yourself that maybe aren’t working. You have the power to become a more confident person. You have the power to genuinely change Your life and to change your friendships.

You cannot do that If you are constantly blaming everybody else. that is giving your power away. You have to look at myself and go, okay, what am I gonna do? What kind of power do I have? . be bold. Be bold in your choices.

Be bold to put yourself out there. Be bold. You’re gonna be rejected. I will tell you that right now. You will be rejected. My guess is the people who get rejected the most probably have the most friendships.

Nina: It’s true in a lot of areas of life, You miss all the shots. You don’t take, you

know

Amy: Yeah. That’s so cliche, but I mean, how true is it? if every text that you send someone, every time you, invite someone somewhere, you pick up the phone and call someone. That is a little message to them. Nobody wants to be rejected, right? Nobody wants to be rejected. Everybody wants to feel safe. [00:30:00] Every time you reach out to somebody,

every time you do that, you are saying, I would like to know you. you’re safe with me. If you come here, I’m not gonna reject you. And you’re basically opening a gate between you and that person. Every time, every text, every invitation. whether they walk through that gate or not, that’s on them.

Go out there and open as many as you can. see what happens. See what sticks. Find the good, find good people and accept their flaws. They’re gonna have flaws. They’re gonna mess up, they’re gonna hurt your feelings. try to be as mature as you can in the way you handle it. And the thing that I always tell my kids, when someone hurts their feelings or somebody does something, I was like, okay, do they have a bad heart or did they have a bad moment?

Because that’s the difference. If it was a bad moment, oh my gosh, forgive ’em and move on. If they have a bad heart, let’s choose different.

Nina: I am so glad we’re connected. I’m so glad we got to have this conversation. I will also link our previous, episode that was with Jess too, Yes. Nina, thank you so much for having me. This was so fun. I love talking about friendship.

Nina: and listeners.

[00:31:00] Come back next week when our friendships are going well and we are open-hearted and we are assuming the best of people. Really, we are happier all around. All around.