When is it okay ask a friend to keep a secret? When is it unrealistic to expect the friend to do so? Today I’m talking about boundaries, intergenerational friendships, and more.
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Dear Nina,
Over the past two years I’ve become friends with my friend’s mom. (I’m in high school.) I worry that’s a little weird, but she helped me through a rough patch. She’s a little like an aunt to me. I’m going to call the mom “Brenda” and the daughter “Emma.”
I was surprised when I learned I got a really high score on my SAT. I told Brenda that I did well, and I also told her my score. Since Emma’s pretty sensitive, I didn’t want her to know my score. She’d do a lot of comparison and self criticism, and it wouldn’t be good for anyone. So I specifically told Brenda not to tell Emma, and she said she wouldn’t.
But Emma told me a few weeks later that her mom had, in fact, told her the score. I wouldn’t mind that too much because I know keeping secrets is hard. But when I asked Brenda whether she had told Emma after all, she lied and told me she hadn’t. And then she blamed her husband, and said, “I want you to know you can trust me.”
I haven’t texted her much since then, though I have responded to texts from her. I don’t want to come across as distant for no reason. Should I confront her about it? Do I let the relationship fade? I feel pretty hurt and like I really can’t trust her. Have I taken this too seriously? Sorry for this teenage melodrama, but I really would appreciate your advice with this.
Thanks, Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
On one hand, I don’t think it’s fair to ask a friend to keep things from their children (in a case like this where you yourself are friends with the kid), or from a significant other for that matter. I’m not saying that I DO tell my husband or my kids much, but asking someone to keep a secret is a big ask and sometimes a burden, so tread carefully in the future. This also goes for the flow of information that happens between other family members—cousins, siblings, and so on. It’s smart and realistic to be careful.
To quote my friend Debra, “If I’m telling a friend something, I assume I’m also telling her spouse.” And my best friend Taryn’s mom always told her, “The minute you tell someone something, imagine it going on the front page of a newspaper.” Or in today’s parlance, imagine it going viral. This isn’t to say that nobody can be trusted, but you do have to acknowledge when you’re asking too much of someone and also accept that sometime the person you have told now needs an outlet to process the information. I wouldn’t say that an SAT score falls into that category, but asking Brenda to keep a secret from her daughter was asking too much.
Now I don’t want my friends reading this to worry that I’m running and telling my husband everything! I tell Bryan very little. He would not be interested in 99% of the things we discuss, and I do not repeat your stories because then that would require him to keep the secret, too. For example, I never told him when our friends were pregnant until they were practically six months along. I couldn’t keep track of whose pregnancy was public and definitely wouldn’t expect him to remember those details, too. I’m sure plenty of people also do not tell their partners and family members information about friends, but you cannot count on it and it may not even be fair to ask. That’s all I’m saying!
Where I feel conflicted (maybe irritated is the better word) about your letter is this: I don’t understand why Brenda, as the adult, let you think it was alright to give her private information you wouldn’t want Emma to know. It’s not that I object to intergenerational friendships and connections. Quite the contrary. I think those types of friendships can add a lot to our lives. But the boundaries of you being Emma’s close friend are just off.
The moment you said to Brenda, “I don’t want Emma to know,” Brenda should have stopped you and said, “You shouldn’t tell me then.” Furthermore, when you later asked Brenda whether she told Emma about the score, Brenda missed a good opportunity to apologize but also explain that she will not be keeping information from her daughter and that’s it not an appropriate request. This would have given you the correct idea that Brenda isn’t the right person to confide in about certain topics. Instead she doubled down and explicitly said you could trust her. Frankly, I find that strange.
As far as I’m concerned, you can ask Brenda for advice and talk to her about your life, but only if it’s information you’d also want Emma to hear.
I would not confront Brenda about it at this point. Perhaps there were people better suited to the news of your SAT score other than the mother of the one person you didn’t want to have the information? Again, none of this is to say you can’t be friends with someone twice your age so I wouldn’t be distant with her. It’s understandable why you felt hurt at first, but now that you’ve had this experience I’m asking you to have reasonable expectations of where Brenda’s loyalty will always remain.
If there’s any pause I have about this friendship with Brenda, it’s that she encouraged you to keep telling her stuff.
I’m glad you wrote to me with this question! It offers a good discussion about boundaries in general. I wish you the best of luck navigating the friendship in the future—with Brenda and Emma.
Nina
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