Making New Friends at 50 and Beyond
In episode 26 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, we’re discussing emails from listeners and readers in their 50s and beyond who feel stuck in a rut with their friendships. These are questions from people who feel they want to make new friends, but worry it’s too late, too hard, too intimidating, and they just don’t know where to start.
I believe it’s never too late to make new friends, which is why I invited Carolyn Cochrane, Kristin Nilsen, and Michelle Newman of the Pop Culture Preservation Society Podcast to tell us how they become good friends in only the last handful of years, what these new friendships have meant to them in a new stage of life, and what advice they have for others who want to bring new people into their lives.
The Pop Culture Preservation Society is a podcast dedicated to preserving the pop-culture nuggets of our GenX childhoods. Carolyn, Kristin, and Michelle do deep dives into topics such as Barry Manilow, Tiger Beat, The Blue Lagoon, Love Boat, Solid Gold, Saturday Night Fever, and more. But this passion project began with new friendships. Hear all about it below or anywhere you listen to podcasts.
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A taste of what the PCPS ladies and I discussed:
— We spent time on how Carolyn, Kristin, and Michelle met, which was in the ModernWell Writing Studio groups I lead in Minneapolis with Julie Burton. Each of them arrived in that group for their own reasons and their own fears about a new experience, and all made unexpected new, close friendships.
Kristin said, “In my experience you find important people by doing things that are important to you and you find people who care about something.”
Kristin emphasized the point that one of the best ways to meet new people is to truly focus on what’s meaningful to you and not go in with the goal of new friends. If the activity, place, etc. has meaning, it’s likely you will connect with at least once person there.
Carolyn said, “One of the gifts of aging, so to speak, is my willingness to take some chances and to step outside of my comfort zone and do things that might make me feel a little uncomfortable at first. But I have a little bit more of motivation to do them.”
Michelle said, “I do think that as we get older, we have that mentality of I’m not going to really care what people think. I’m going to be more open to things.”
— Carolyn, Kristin, and Michelle shared their story of going from new writing group class members to friends to podcast co-hosts. It’s a great story that highlights the importance of vulnerability, trying new things, and opening yourself up to new people.
Regarding their podcast, Kristin said:
“So, it’s not just that we’re pop culture fiends. There’s a nostalgia within us that connects us to our younger selves and that younger self relates to who we are now, especially as 50 year old women. We’re much more in touch with our younger selves now than we were in our thirties, which is really very freeing. . . And so these conversations became very personal, very fast. It relates to our families and our siblings and how and who we became today. And so I always say that the three of us became familial super fast because it’s a concentrated version of our writing group where you reveal yourself on a daily basis. And that’s how you become close.”
— We talked about mixing new friends into your already existing social life, or not, which is fine too.
— We also touched on not taking it personally when other friends ignore your creative projects. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary!
Nina shared a quote from a friend of hers, Merri Ukraincik:
“I enter friendships differently at this stage of life. I don’t want friendships that force me to suppress who I am. I don’t want any pretending. This is me. You get what you get. A friendship is an investment of time. If I’m going to take the time, it’s going to be with my full self. And I want the same from a new friend.”
BETTER FRIENDSHIP GOAL OF THE WEEK
There’s a psychologist and friendship researcher named Marisa Franco, who is always quoted in many friendship articles. In her research, Franco has seen that people who show up assuming that others are going to like them do a better job, making friends. If you show up with the assumption, these people are going to like me, it just makes you act friendlier. It makes you naturally put a smile on your face because the opposite is also true. If you walk into a situation, assuming that people aren’t going to like you, you very naturally act shut off. Maybe you cross your arms. Maybe you’re not smiling. And people read our body language.
So the goal of the week is this: If you’re going to show up to something new where you might make a new friend, even if you’re just coming to something like our writing class where it’s not necessarily to make new friends, come with the assumption that people like you.
Find the Pop Culture Preservation Society Podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts! They’re on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter too! AND, they have a new, super fun Facebook group called Growing Up Gen-X.
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