Four More Rapid Questions With Taryn!
In episode 27 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, my best friend, Taryn Kessel, and I once again tackle four questions in under 30 minutes. This time the topics circle around (mild) covid issues in friendships, the role of a best friend in adulthood, what happens when a teen’s group is drifting away, and a person whose friends keep walking away from the friendship.
Join us in the Dear Nina Facebook group! Taryn is there too. 🙂
You can also find Taryn in episodes:
#2: “The Friend Whose Kid Is Being Mean to Your Kid”
#9: “Friends Will Hang Out Without You”
and #18: “Four Friendship Dilemmas in 30 minutes”
FIND EPISODE #27 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
The questions Taryn and I answered:
#1. Dear Nina,
I feel like my whole life I’ve been searching for that elusive “best friend.” I’ve had many, it seems, that were going to stick even with living cross country and raising kids, but inevitably I end up feeling like I’m working harder to keep it alive than the other and I quit trying and we lose touch. Am I just a bad friend? It’s hard see people still “together” with their childhood besties and my mom in her 60s who still has yearly retreats with her high school girlfriends.
#2. Dear Nina,
Your podcast is well needed at this time in history! Recently I was sick (not dying, but sick) with Covid and had lots of time to listen. I live alone. One friend came by with soup, and another dropped off oximeter and supplements, one offered to walk my dog–sweet gestures, all. Almost everyone who knew sent texts or called to check in. The one friend whom I considered closer did nothing. Later she said, “Oh, I didn’t want to bother you.” Question: Don’t some friendships just fizzle out until an event (like this) brings that fact to light? Isn’t it healthy to let go when it’s time? Or do you tell yourself, well, he/she is not good in this situation, but has other redeeming traits . . . I don’t know!
#3 Dear Nina,
My almost 14 year-old son and the friends he’s had since elementary school are growing apart. His friends have gone through puberty, are playing on sports teams that my son is no longer playing on, and are hanging out with girls. He’s realizing this, but is struggling to find a place for himself and is still wanting to connect with these friends. However, they are choosing to spend time with others. Covid both masked that for him and made it difficult to find other friends. He’s our third child and this was not an issue for the other two. He’s socially skilled and generally well-liked, but he is a late bloomer physically and I think that is also contributing. We are at a loss as to how to help him gain the confidence to try to make new friends; I think he is embarrassed and a bit flummoxed by feeling left out by his friends. And this is an age where it can be hard to reach out to other kids, and he doesn’t want us reaching out on his behalf. What suggestions do you have for how we can help a 14 year-old build new relationships?
— In this answer, I referred to podcast episode #71 of Ask Lisa.
#4. Dear Nina,
I am writing to you in hopes of receiving some sound advice. My question makes me feel uncomfortable, ashamed and embarrassed, however I’m on the hunt for answers. I am a 44 year old woman who has been losing friends (and relatives) at an alarming speed lately. As a kid, I always felt quirky, and that people didn’t like me and those feelings have followed me into my adult years.
The thing that is super frustrating though, is that the people who leave me, refuse to tell me why. In fact, I just purchased the book, What Did I Do Wrong, by Liz Pryor, with hopes of finding answers. Do you think you could possibly help me figure out what it is that I’m obviously, so unconscious to?
— In this answer, I referred to research by Dr. Marisa G. Franco (who will be on a future episode of Dear Nina.)
We discussed this one for awhile, and I’m quoting part of Taryn’s answer below:
When I think about relationships in my life and the ones I’ve held onto and the ones that I’ve let go, I put it on this scale of, does this person fill my cup or does this person dump it out. Do I feel charged by this relationship or deflated from this relationship? You are allowed to have moments in a friendship where a friend dumps your cup–that real friendship.
You’re not always going to feel a charge, that’s not the way relationships work. And that’s okay because that’s real life and we’re all human. But if you are in a relationship with someone and they are leaving every time, every moment, every conversation with you exhausted, frustrated, depleted from whatever dynamic you have, that is probably what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening, but you’ve got to figure out how to charge the people in your life.
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4 Responses
So many topics…all so relatable. Doesn’t matter is you’re a teenager or an adult. Life has challenges and questions and I’m glad you’re discussing them. It’s good therapy for all ages! I always learn something.
I also listened to Rabbi Leder of Los Angeles this morning with Katie Couric. People do need people and our legacy is that we share our humanity. Nothing is written in stone. Except maybe the 10 commandments! Values still count. People make mistakes and we try to grow as we learn so many things that bombard us. Keep talking.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment! And for listening!
In relation to question 4- I had what I called the 3 year curse in which I couldn’t seem to hold a close friendship for more than 2 or 3 years. Therapy helped me realize I’d find someone I had good chemistry with but wasn’t setting boundaries or understanding what I need in a close friendship. 2 or 3 years into a friendship I’d hit my wall of being accommodating and apologetic for my needs and that was a turn off for that person and I’d be dropped. We’d both know something changed, but not necessary know what it was. I wonder, hearing this woman is 44, if there’s any chance this woman has hit that magical ‘not giving an F’ age anymore across the board and that’s affecting all her relationships as she comes into her own more.
That’s a good theory! So helpful to hear your experience.