Leslie: [00:00:00] Our willingness to feel any emotion and absolutely in friendship. But this is for anything, anyone wanting to, start a business or go after a dream, we need to be willing to feel all those feelings. Because if we’re not afraid of the feeling, there’s nothing we’re afraid of except regret.

. Here is what I know too about self-confidence. it’s not a genetic lottery ticket. It’s not something that one person is born with and someone else is not. It’s not something you get because you look a certain way or you have a certain skill. Self-confidence is a skill. Self-confidence is a skill that you develop, and it is a choice you make. When you choose to know who you are. So, the people that I wanna be around. My personality, my voice, my values, knowing who you are.

You love that person and you believe in her. Those are all choices that you can make because you can choose to believe the goodness in you. Choose to believe that you can do what you want, that you can make the friends that you want. It’s a journey you’re forever on.

I always say I’m [00:01:00] really skilled in self-confidence because I’m so intimately acquainted with doubt and fear. It does not exist in a silo. Self-confidence comes with the doubt. It comes with the fear. It comes with the insecurity. It’s just that willingness to keep going even when they’re there.

Nina: Welcome to Dear Nina, conversations about Friendship. I am your host, Nina Badin. I have been writing about friendship since 2014 and podcasting since 2021. I am so happy to have you here for the September challenge, episode 1 62. I’ve been doing these challenges for all of 2025. Practically every month of the challenge does focus on what can you be doing to strengthen your friendships?

What behaviors can you be doing too make the people in your life feel they’re important to you or to meet new people, and now what can others be doing for you? I hope you’ve seen that theme. This month’s challenge, September takes advantage of the energy of [00:02:00] the new school year, the new season that will be coming at the end of September.

There’s something about the school year energy even if you don’t have anything to do with school, it’s like you don’t have a kid who’s in school or you don’t have a job that has anything to do with the school year. well, I guess I’m assuming that you can let me know. I in my life have never had a break from the school year. I was a student and then a college student, and then a graduate student, and then a English teacher in high school and middle school. I still teach adult writing classes that goes on a school year schedule. I have four kids, the oldest of which is 21 now.

There’s just a lot of school year That’s the energy I’m feeling for the September challenge. The most original challenge I think I’ve had.

This challenge is about listening to your bestie brain over your bully brain, which is terminology I learned from today’s guest, Leslie Randolph. She talks a lot about self-confidence. She’s a certified coach. She’s a motivational speaker, a TEDx speaker. She’s a workshop facilitator and she’s committed [00:03:00] to helping tweens and teens cultivate self-confidence, and she works with adults to deal with the teen that lives inside all of us dealing with self-confidence issues.

I’ve been on Leslie’s podcast as well called Why Didn’t They Tell Us.

She’s such a nice way about her. I loved my episode on her show. We spoke about fitting in belonging, what that means and what it means to have an authentic friendship. I knew I had to have her on. I love the way she explains things. I’ve never really focused on the topic of self-confidence. So this, listening to your bestie brain over your bully brain is just one of several things we talk about.

But I pulled it out for the September challenge because I liked the idea of challenging us, and I always include myself. I do all the challenges too, which can all be found in the show notes. I’ll have a link that will lead you to January through August, and then of course this is Septembers. I do all the challenges too.

They’re all things that help me. with the September one, I’d like the idea of part of the month it might only be one time, it might be one time this month that you stop your thoughts. you stop [00:04:00] your assumptions and you might even have to say to the words to yourself, I’m going to listen to my bestie brain today instead of my bully brain, and you might be listening to this episode not in September.

Fine, whatever month it is, choose a day this month. It may happen naturally. You may not be able to say, okay, on the 15th of this month, I’m going to have this thought, that’s not how life works. But try to catch yourself sometime in this month telling yourself a story that might not be true. That’s the bully inside of us.

Listen to the bestie inside of us, and again, Leslie’s terms not mine, but I loved it. So thank you, Leslie, for that terminology. We need that healthy sense of confidence to make new friends at every single stage of life. Adults need to make new friends all the time. You don’t even just need to make new friends because you move.

You may live in the same town forever, but you are in a new stage of life. You’re not working as much anymore. You’re divorced, you’re single, and your friends are married. You’re married, and your friends are single. You have kids and your friends don’t have kids. You don’t have kids, [00:05:00] and your friends do have kids.

You realize that everyone in your life is exactly like you, and you would like to make older friends, younger friends, friends of a different background . there are so many reasons why you might want to make new friends. It’s also about keeping the friends that you are making along the way, which takes some confidence. Not listening to the bully inside of us that tells us that someone’s mad at us, that people don’t like us.

I will have ways in the show notes that you can let me know if you, at any time this month took the challenge to listen to that bestie brain over that bully brain. I hope you’ll do it. I’m gonna try it. I know there’s times that I absolutely doubt myself and I tell myself a story that isn’t true, and I’m going to think of Leslie’s advice, I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I did,

Let’s welcome Leslie to the show.

Hi. Welcome to Dear Nina.

Leslie: Oh, I’m so excited to be here, Nina. Thank you so much.

Nina: I loved being on your podcast. It’s fun. It’s like, I came to your house and now you’re a guest in my house,

Leslie: We’re swapping play dates. It’s perfect.

Nina: and I don’t do that that often. I love the way you [00:06:00] approach confidence and relationships so much . I would like to start by having you define confidence, self-confidence.

Leslie: Yes. ’cause there is a difference actually between confidence and self-confidence. So my definition of self-confidence is that it is a feeling that comes from your thinking. It is a feeling that comes from your thinking of knowing who you are, loving that amazing human, believing in her. it is the product of taking courageous action even when every other emotion is present.

It’s a big definition. So it is knowing, loving, trusting, and believing in you and the product of taking courageous action even when every other emotion is present.

Nina: That last part is so important. I’m jumping outta my chair ’cause I’m excited to hear you say it that way. I try so hard to get people to understand that when they are in a situation to make new friends at any age that it’s really never easy. It’s not like it gets easier your point is we grow in self-confidence by doing things even when [00:07:00] it’s hard.

It’s not about it being easy, it’s hard, and we do it anyway.

Leslie: You said it so perfectly. Sometimes we think like, oh, but I feel nervous. I feel doubt. I feel scared, so I’m not going to take this action. But the truth is you cultivate self-confidence when you notice those emotions and you take action anyway, those emotions can be there. As long as you are a, a human with breath in your body, you’re gonna feel those feelings.

You just can’t let them be the decision makers in who you go up to and who you introduce yourself to. It’s actually the willingness to feel those feelings that allow you to cultivate the confidence.

Nina: That whole piece about willingness. I think that might be the difference between people who forge ahead and do make new friends and people who don’t. Can you talk a little bit more about that?

Leslie: Oh, I couldn’t agree more. Right. It’s, noticing that emotion, but not giving it the microphone in your mind. I said, self-confidence is a feeling that comes from your thinking. So we’ll tie it to the [00:08:00] front end of that definition. If we’re focusing on all those, what if worst case scenarios or mind reading of what they might think of me, we’re not gonna be able to take that courageous action.

We’re gonna be paralyzed by that fear and that doubt. That’s why we need to bring some new thoughts to the party of focusing on what’s likable about me, focusing on what I could bring to that friendship, focusing on what I like about that person. The what ifs are always an imaginary story.

Most of the thoughts that we think are they’re stories that we’re telling ourselves. So if we’re gonna tell ourselves this fictional story about how they’re gonna be rude to me and they’re not gonna like me. We might as well tell the fictional story about how they’re gonna welcome me they’re gonna love who I am because I’m lovable, I’m likable. I have these, gifts that I can bring to any friendship. we have to be willing to poke holes in the story that doubt and fear tell us. But I wanna be really clear, Nina, that doesn’t mean they go away. Fear and [00:09:00] doubt are gonna come, with you to the lunch table or the Canasta table or the new group of friends or whatever event where you might be meeting the networking event for, business owners . Fear and doubt are gonna be there, but they’re not the ones that call the shots.

Self-confidence is. The one that loves you, believes in you, and says you’ve got this and I’m right here with you.

Nina: I love this idea of flipping the script. That makes perfect sense to me. Like if you’re gonna take the time to tell yourself negative things about how the experience will go and they’re not true, Or it may be that, it may be that it doesn’t work out, but you don’t know yet. You might as well, what’s the word I’m looking for?

Like, make it a self-fulfilling prophecy in the positive way.

Leslie: Absolutely, because we never know. we just start believing that story, and if we believe that story, we’re never gonna take courageous action because that courageous action is actually terrifying. But if we believe that other story, even just a little, and take that step, say the hello, that’s the only way we can prove either story true. The problem is a lot of [00:10:00] people just believe that story. I think my life changed when I realized that the thoughts that I think are not facts and they’re not truth.

Nina: The thoughts that we think are not facts. Yes, that’s right.

Leslie: and especially when we’re reading other people’s minds or predicting the future. Those are two red flags of oh, I could challenge this thinking. And if I did, what other story could I believe? But so often we, just think that our thoughts are like the weather report, it’s sunny and 76 degrees and she doesn’t like me

Nina: It’s so true. I’m laughing ’cause of like the truth of it. And I do often talk a lot on this podcast about assuming the best of people and how it really is the best thing for friendship. What you’re saying are really directions for how to do that because it’s, easy to say, assume the best. What you’re saying is you assume the best by flipping the script and self-talking, actually saying to yourself these positive things are going to happen or they are thinking these positive things, you know, fill in the blank instead of the negatives that [00:11:00] you’ve been putting into the blank.

Leslie: 100% or you can just neutralize it. In my coaching practice, because I work predominantly with teens, the way that I sometimes think about it, and you’ll actually love this, Nina, is that we either have like a bully brain or a bestie brain.

Nina: I love it.

Leslie: The, and the bestie brain is the one that, you know, she’s, she’s assuming positive intent. She’s seeing that positive outcome. She’s seeing the, goodness in you and why people would wanna be your friends. And then the bully brain is the opposite. That what if that worst case scenario, focusing on all your faults and your failures and the last time that you tried to make a friend, and she’ll remind you of that story very frequently, right?

We can choose to believe the bully. We can choose to believe the bestie, Thoughts are not facts. They’re choices that you make. You get to choose this story or you can go neutral, Because sometimes it’s really hard to believe that bestie voice. I get it. But we could go like, I have no idea what people think about me.

I have no idea what will happen. And the only way to find out is to take that [00:12:00] courageous action.

Nina: That’s really smart. That neutral voice maybe is a more comfortable first step for people who are trying to flip from the negative voice that has been speaking to them. Just that neutral instead of being so sure and so certain that you know what’s gonna happen. In a weird, ironic way, having such a firm negative voice that always knows how badly things are gonna go is a weird kind of confidence.

It’s like you’re so sure, you’re so smart. You know how that person is thinking. I know I’m being a little negative about it, but when I think about it, I’m really thinking of myself I’m not gonna even speak for other people. If I’ve ever gone into a situation I certainly have, where I am a thousand percent sure what the other person’s thinking.

wow. I must really be a genius that I know. you gotta really fight yourself on that. We have to fight our inner, odd confidence that we know so much better what other people are thinking

Leslie: yeah, I mean I would put that towards a false confidence ’cause it’s certainly not rooted in loving and believing in yourself, and it certainly won’t propel you to take [00:13:00] courageous action. It’s probably more, an uncomfortable comfort.

Nina: Okay. Let’s root this in real life examples. I know you have a major one from your life

Leslie: Absolutely. Yeah. About 11 years ago I moved from my hometown, which is actually your hometown, and a hometown that even though Nina does not live here anymore, most people do not leave. It’s like, we are born here. We are raised here.

We maybe go away for college and then we come back here and raise our kids. it’s a rinse and repeat.

Nina: Leslie’s talking about Highland Park, Illinois or just that whole area?

Leslie: Yeah. The North Shore,

Nina: the North Shore.

Leslie: it’s like Teflon and we, we all stick to it.

Nina: Leslie left for a while, but then came back.

Leslie: I did. And we moved to Johannesburg, South Africa and we lived there for four and a half years. it’s always one of my favorite stories to tell is that when I found out we were moving and we moved from my husband’s job, I said, how long is this gonna be?

And he said. A year, year and a half tops. Well, four and a half years later, let me tell you. but I didn’t have the comforts of all these longtime [00:14:00] friends. I mean, listen, I didn’t have the comforts of anything. I was in a new country. I was learning new customs and cultures

Nina: were you in your twenties or thirties? I just need a sense.

Leslie: I was in my thirties, and I moved there with a 13 month old, and I was six months pregnant when I got there.

Nina: oh my goodness.

Leslie: First of all when I say I didn’t have my comforts, I also had been working my whole life and I no longer had my job to define me.

So you wanna look at this through that lens of self-confidence, all those thoughts that I could think about myself. They were really hard to find because so many of those thoughts were rooted in, the reflection of my friends, the job that I had had, it was almost like an identity crisis.

But what I do know about me I love people. I am a social creature, I love connection. Now here I am in a country where I knew no one, and I was pretty stubborn when I moved. There’s a nice contingency of South Africans here on the North Shore, but I was like, I don’t need to talk to any of them.

I talked to one, and then after that I was like, Nope, I’m gonna [00:15:00] figure it out myself.

Nina: You mean like people who could have connected you with oh, I have a cousin or something like that.

Leslie: You got it. Yep. No, I was like, I’m gonna figure it out myself. That was a different kind of confidence that.

Nina: Yeah. I.

Leslie: And then once I got there, it was up to me, but I remember making it my mission that I was going to find friends. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would’ve been okay. I’ll never forget, we had lived there for 10 days my husband had to leave for two weeks, and so it was me and a 13 month old in this new country.

you wanna talk about willingness. I remember this moment of like, okay, so I can get in the car and take this kid out for lunch and figure out how to drive on the other side of the road and navigate and do all the things, or I am gonna stay in this house and I will probably never leave.

Nina: Yeah.

Leslie: I, so I got in the car and I went to a restaurant that was really kid friendly just down the road. And I went up to a woman who was at a table with a kid about my son’s age, and I said, Hi, my name’s Leslie. I’m from America. I’ve got about an hour before my kids nap. What would you recommend we do after lunch?

Nina: Wait. We [00:16:00] just have to appreciate that. That’s really hard, Leslie. I’m so impressed.

Leslie: Sometimes I look back at her, Leslie, bold Leslie that went to South A and I thank her so much. I am also impressed with her because there was a lot of fear, And there were tons of fears, not just the thought that this woman could look at me and be like, who are you?

Nina: are like, why are you talking to me? Yeah.

Leslie: why are you coming up to my table?

Nina: I wanna say something. Don’t forget where we are in the story. I did a short solo episode about, something I called Freshman Energy and how it’s easier to make friends you know, those first, not even just two weeks, but like the first 48 hours of freshman year of college, everybody’s in that same mind space of

it wouldn’t be weird to go up to a table then it would be, I don’t know if weird’s the right word, but it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable because everyone’s in the same boat. I was moving my son into college and I remember it from my own freshman year experience. It’s so normal to walk by someone’s open door with their parents in it.

Oh, hey, my son, Sam. Hey Sam, I’m Jared from Cleveland. People did that. People just walked by and then he would walk by and he’d, he’d [00:17:00] be like, Hey, what’s up? I’m in room 5 0 4. there’s all this openness. Maybe a month in, not as much, but what you did, it was like you went in there with freshman energy, but it’s like she lives there.

It’s not like she had freshman energy. that’s what I’m saying about how brave it was. It’s really hard to be the new person in a place where other people aren’t new. That is so much harder than, everyone’s new together so much. It’s a different universe.

Leslie: I’m gonna steal freshman energy because I love it so much. It still requires that willingness, that courageous action. The thing about courage is by definition, you only need courage when fear is present. Courage sounds so noble. Think about courage.

You only need courage if you feel afraid. So even walking by those doors, there has to be some courage there because you have to challenge that belief of they’re gonna think it’s so weird. I’m sure I don’t remember Leslie, 11 years ago, walking up to that table, but I’m sure there was a thought of, she’s gonna think, this is so weird.

But for [00:18:00] me, and probably for freshmen too, this sounds dire, I can’t think of a more poetic way to say it, but the stakes were high for me. It was really important that I found some people, and if it wasn’t this girl I was gonna find someone else. Turned out she became the fastest forever friend I will ever know.

our kids were born on the same day and they were ended up going to the

Nina: she ended up being pregnant.

Leslie: My 13 month old at the time was the same age as her kid, and they went to the same preschool together. She became one of my life rafts in South Africa. She introduced me to people and to this day her, birthday’s coming up next week and I know I’m gonna reach out to her.

I mean, and we’re on the other side of the world now. She will forever be a friend, but it required that willingness.

Nina: That’s a great origin story. I’m sure she has told it too. Oh, and then Leslie came up to my table. A lot of friendships, just like romantic relationships, have these meet cute origin stories, either on accident or somebody made a brave first step. That’s how it is.

Leslie: [00:19:00] Absolutely. But someone has to take it and I always think it might as well be, be me. ‘ cause if we’re sitting and waiting for the other person, we could be waiting forever. And think about that for a moment through that lens of self-confidence. If we’re waiting forever, now all of a sudden those beliefs of loving and believing in you, they feel a lot harder to believe because we don’t have evidence for them.

But it’s not because they’re true, it’s because you haven’t taken action to prove them true. That you are likable, that you’re someone people wanna get to know that you have gifts that people really gravitate towards. it’s your responsibility for people to get to know you. That’s something I say to my clients all the time.

It’s my responsibility for people to get to know me, and it’s my responsibility to find my people when we take that ownership and then couple it with that self-confidence that’s a key to finding friends.

Nina: It’s such a key, and I love what you’re saying about having the evidence, okay, I’ve done it before I can do it again. And you have to create a track record for yourself. If you don’t have a voice in your life that is constantly [00:20:00] telling you how great you are, most people don’t. You have to create a, and even if you do, you still need evidence to back it up.

It wouldn’t help just have someone. A parent, a grandparent, an aunt and uncle wouldn’t help to have those people just buttering you up all the time. It’s a nice start. Of course, you wanna build your kids up or people you know in your life, but yeah, evidence, we need evidence. A track record.

Leslie: And you just touched on something that I think about often and particularly as we’re raising kids, self-confidence is an inside job. Notice that, that definition, it’s all about you. It’s your thinking. Now, if we could just inject our kids with self-confidence, what a wonderful world it would be if they could see themselves through our loving lens.

But that’s not how self-confidence works, because if you’re not believing that for yourself, if you’re not being that loving voice for you, even if you hear that external validation, you might not believe it.

And so it’s really important that we, learn how to talk to ourselves and think about ourselves in a really loving way.

Nina: That’s beautifully said, and this is why you [00:21:00] describe yourself and your work. It makes total sense as a self-confidence coach for, teens, but also for the teen inside all of us. It’s true. It’s like we all could have used those voices. my grandmother of blessed memory, grandma Pauline, we were very, very close.

She used to say all the time, in front of me about me. This is Nina. To know her is to love her, and she say to me all the time to know you is to love you. And when she met my boyfriend at the time who became my husband. He quotes it all the time, which is very sweet. ’cause she said it to him. Instead of being like, oh, it’s so nice to meet you and stuff to Brian.

She said to Brian, all she did was rave about me. oh, to know Nina, to love her. So my point on that is it does help to speak nicely to the loved ones in your life, It’s not like I never had confidence issues, self-confidence issues, even with that voice in my life, I still had to prove to myself, within that I was a worthy person, That to know me would be to love me.

Leslie: you get to put those people’s words in your evidence file. I sometimes think my job as a, as a self-confidence coach, and predominantly with my teens, [00:22:00] but also with the teen that exists in all of us, is to give them a voice that I can be their bestie voice until they’re building their own up.

Nina: Oh, I love That,

Leslie: that they can borrow my belief in them. As a coach, I’m not their mom, right? I’ve got no skin in that game. I just can see the goodness in humans. I give them my lens so that they can start seeing it for themselves. So, absolutely, you have Grandma Pauline. One of the things my mom always used to say about me that became a borrowed belief that I take with me is that I’m such good company

Nina: Oh, that’s really, Ugh. What a nice thing to say about someone. Seriously,

Leslie: and I take it with me. And let me tell you, it makes it easier to make friends because I am good company.

Nina: are I? You are?

Leslie: so why wouldn’t I want to go share that with people and now enjoy their company too? So we shouldn’t stop doling out praise or taking it from other people, but if we get it from other people, it’s a wonderful thing to think, how can I live into that?

How can I create more of that evidence for [00:23:00] me? for me, it was, well, I have to go be company to people so that I can remember that I am great company. It still requires that action.

Nina: Let’s come back to South Africa. So you make the one friend, and I know you made more friends, and I also wanna say something else about your trip and just life in general, you are aware that you really love people, you’re a social person. I would also say, and I know you agree, I’m just saying this for the listeners, that even if you aren’t someone who necessarily would describe themselves as someone who really loves being around people, we still need people.

People sometimes think oh, I just, hate to be around people, or I like, and there is real social anxiety that people have and suffer with. Even with that you cannot exist in this world and have mental and physical health even without some connections with people. So even if it’s like not a need that you’re feeling at the time, it will get there eventually.

So it’s smart to put a plan in place when you are somewhere new. You’re in a new stage of life, you’re an empty nester now. Whatever this situation is that now you find yourself with more time, more need for friends. That’s [00:24:00] where these skills come into play. It’s so important.

Leslie: agreed not everyone is an extrovert, but for those who might be introvert curious or extrovert curious, go back to that, that idea of who has the microphone in my mind. Is it fear? Is it doubt? Is it insecurity that’s calling the shots That has me, avoiding human connection.

And if it is, what could I do to challenge that? Because I couldn’t agree with you more nina. I think that this is what makes life worth living is the connections that we have and the, the people that we get to love and be loved by. And, it’s what makes the world go round,

Nina: Right. Okay, so you had the one friend and, sorry, I’ll stop interrupting you now. You tell your story.

Leslie: That was day one, but like I said, it was my mission. I giggled when you were talking about freshman energy, because I often described this chapter as I approached my full-time job as like sorority rush I say this with love, I’m a little awkward.

I literally said to this girl, hi, my name is Leslie. I am from America. Okay? there was no game here. I wasn’t cool. I was awkward. I [00:25:00] looked for spaces where I could find my people. first of all, where could I find people? Let’s just go for the masses.

Just people? from there I could find my people. there’s a big expat community, the people that come there from other countries.

there were a lot of us. And so there were social groups, but it required going and then walking into a room with call it 75 women of varying ages from different countries, from different backgrounds. That willingness to go up to someone and say, hi, my name is Leslie and I am from America. I think I probably in improved my pickup line by the,

Nina: Did you maybe say Chicago? You know, people would get a little kick out of being from a specific place in America.

Leslie: I did. I probably said Chicago at some point. Then I would go to those and from there I would make it my job to get to know people and to give them the opportunity to get to know me, me just as I am. You know, I wasn’t practicing those pickup lines. Maybe there was still some more I’m [00:26:00] from Americas.

but, what were their interests? What were they like to be around? What was their personality like? and from there I made the most extraordinary friends. people that will, I said fast and forever friend of that first. I can say the same for all the incredible women that I get to meet and I’m now, I’m back in Highland Park.

I am living blocks away from girls that I have known since birth. And still we struggle to get together for a birthday dinner, once every few months.

Nina: Yeah, that’s real. That is real.

Leslie: It is very real. But I will tell you this, those friends from South Africa in a few months, I am going on a trip with them, and this is the second one that we have done. This time we’ve got 13 coming from all over the world

Nina: Where do they live?

Leslie: So there, I have friends coming from Panama, from Tokyo, from Dubai, from South Africa, from London, from New Zealand, from Amsterdam. I don’t know if I’m forgetting any. And then me, from, me, from [00:27:00] America,

from,

Nina: and where are you meeting? How do you decide?

Leslie: we are meeting in Spain because we have a very gracious friend that is able to accommodate us Well, that makes it easy. There you go. makes it very easy and, Selfishly, I’m like, I’ve never been to Spain. I’m so excited.

Nina: Oh,

Leslie: but we made it happen.

Nina: Gosh, that isn’t that true though, how it’s hard to go for a walk with someone who lives nearby, but you’re gonna have 13 people from a bunch of different countries all meet in Spain. When you met in South Africa, most of you were not going to be living there more than a couple years.

Leslie: Yeah, it, uh, the, the majority, there were a few, there’s some South Africans that are still there and, you know, welcomed us, expats like, family. But yes, there was a finite amount of time and.

Nina: What do you think that does to making friends?

Leslie: I hate to get like all philosophical, but you know, you think about those moments of life is short and if you knew life was short, what would you do and what would you stop doing? What would you be willing to [00:28:00] feel and what would you be willing to cultivate in terms of emotion? We all think we have all this time and that. Oh, I don’t need that freshman energy. Like I’ll do it next week. The problem is those stories of they’re gonna think I’m weird. It’s awkward now. It’s a new story. Well, it’s too late. Everyone already has friends,

Nina: All this is everything you’re saying. Yes. So keep going. I get really excited.

Leslie: those are the stories that we’re telling and it’s really hard to stop our own brain. We think it’s the weather report. We have to remember those are not truths and those are not facts. And we don’t know. There’s probably space for you at that table and if there’s not, there’s another table.

but I think when we know that time is limited, we just act differently. We are more willing to feel emotions that we would otherwise want to avoid because I can live through embarrassment. I can live through rejection, I can live through failure. The one feeling I do not wanna be left with is regret. And so i’m gonna go up to the people and say, hi, my name is Leslie. I want that connection [00:29:00] and it’s my responsibility. And I think that for a lot of expats, knowing that it was a borrowed chapter and. For me, it ended really suddenly. I’m so thankful, like I said, to that, that version of me that was willing to put herself out there and put herself out there really, um, wholly.

these women that I knew for just a brief amount of my life, they know all my parts, they know all my stories. I let them see all of me, and I’m so blessed that they loved her and I loved all of them.

Nina: You said something really important and you echoed it just now, uh, about knowing all of you a little earlier you said that you had the attitude when you went up to people that you were going to get to know them, like you were gonna be interested in them and ask questions, want to know what they’re about, but you also said, and I’m going to let them get to know me.

That is so key. It is not just about asking questions. It’s about answering questions and, and a skill I talk a lot about on this podcast, and it’s pertinent here too, is not waiting for them to ask questions.

That’s something I really encourage people to do, because I hear from people a lot about that, oh, no one ever asks about me. I ask them all the [00:30:00] questions. They don’t ask back, and I’m like, I don’t wait for anyone to ask me. If I ask you like, oh, what do you do? Or if that comes up or something, I really will not wait for someone to ask back. I’ll just say, oh, I have a podcast. It’s called Dear Nina. I, I mean, I learned that over time I developed that I not come out that way. I, I had to learn instead of being annoyed that it didn’t feel reciprocal with the information I’m just gonna offer. Sometimes people don’t ask ’cause they don’t wanna seem intrusive.

So you share what you’re willing to share then, and then they don’t have to wonder if it’s okay to ask you. You just told them.

Leslie: Yeah. here I am.

Nina: Yeah.

Leslie: Take me or leave me.

Nina: I think the key is having a willingness to have a little rejection. I think that’s, we haven’t used that word at all in this episode, but it’s the undertone to me that is the undertone of this topic is knowing that you can survive it not going okay, therefore, you do it again.

Leslie: Amen. I mean, I think that that’s ultimately it. Our willingness to feel any emotion and absolutely in friendship. But this is for anything, anyone wanting to, start a business [00:31:00] or go after a dream, we need to be willing to feel all those feelings. Because if we’re not afraid of the feeling, there’s nothing we’re afraid of except regret. Here is what I know too about self-confidence. it’s not a genetic lottery ticket. It’s not something that one person is born with and someone else is not. It’s not something you get because you look a certain way or you have a certain skill. Self-confidence is a skill. Self-confidence is a skill that you develop, and it is a choice you make. When you choose to know who you are. So, the people that I wanna be around. My personality, my voice, my values, knowing who you are.

You love that person and you believe in her. Those are all choices that you can make because you can choose to believe the goodness in you. Choose to believe that you can do what you want, that you can make the friends that you want. It’s a journey you’re forever on.

I always say I’m really skilled in self-confidence because I’m so intimately acquainted with doubt and fear. It does not exist in a silo. Self-confidence comes with the doubt. It comes [00:32:00] with the fear. It comes with the insecurity. It’s just that willingness to keep going even when they’re there.

Nina: that’s right. There’s no shortcuts. You have to go through the those parts. Oh my goodness. Leslie, last question for you. Do you work with people virtually or is it, do you have to be in Chicago?

Leslie: No, I see in person, that’s self-confidence building within itself just to sit in a room for some people for 45 minutes talking to another human. But I see people all over the world.

Nina: so virtual too. All right, everybody. I’ll have Leslie’s information in the show notes. She is the Coach Chronicles on social media, on Instagram mainly it seems, leslie, thank you so much for being here with me today. This was such a pleasure.

Leslie: Nina the pleasure was mine. Thank you so much for having me.

Nina: All right. Everybody come back next week when our friendships are going well we are happier all around.

Bye. [00:33:00]