Do you rely almost entirely on texts and emails to communicate with friends? I’ve leaned towards texting and emailing in the past few years more than calling my friends, and I’m starting to accept that the benefit of efficiency comes at the loss of intimacy. I still feel close to so many of my friends, but yes, I do feel closer to friends and family when we actually speak on the phone or see each other in person.
Last night (skip to minute 21) I had the chance to chat with talk show host Jordana Green on our local CBS radio station (WCCO) about Kate Murphy’s NYT article “Do Your Friends Actually Like You?”, an article that circled Facebook and Twitter all of last week. The article focused on a study showing that it’s possible half of our friendships are not mutual.
I told Jordana that my mom read the article and immediately told me she did not have this problem of confusing her real friends and her acquaintances and couldn’t think of anyone in her life who did. She simply felt the article did not resonate for her generation. When I asked her why, she said, “I’ve always talked to my close friends on the phone.”
Indeed, I remember the giant phone cord stretched around the kitchen in many childhood memories. I knew who my mom’s close friends were as they were the ones on the other end of those calls. My mom still calls her friends or actually (gasp) answers the phone if she wants to make weekend plans with other couples or make plans with her female friends. Those “plan making calls” might morph into longer conversations, but she also purposely calls her friends with the purpose of catching up and they call her. She and her friends stay connected, often. I know my mom is on to something. Even if I only speak to some of my friends once in a while, I immediately feel closer to someone after we’ve finished a conversation.
I also told Jordana that so many of the questions I get at my friendship advice column come from women who say they are making more of the effort in a friendship. Furthermore, many letter writers report feeling insecure because despite the numerous texts and emails that fly back and forth in their social worlds, they have a hard time taking those relationships to the next level.
Now listen up, especially if you’re one of my friends on the receiving end of my emails and texts: I know that we are all super busy and talking on the phone rather than texting falls somewhere between time-consuming and impossible. I would, however, like to try harder to keep texts and emails to plan making and quick quips and occasional photos. Let’s save our real chats for voice-to-voice if not face-to-face interactions. Let’s at least try harder to do so!
Do you feel closer to the friends you speak to on the phone?
SEE MY ARTICLE ABOUT CALLING vs TEXTING ON MEDIUM.
ASK ME AN ANONYMOUS FRIENDSHIP ADVICE QUESTION ANY TIME!
JOIN THE DISCUSSION ANY TIME ON THE NEW DEAR NINA FACEBOOK PAGE.
READ MORE FRIENDSHIP CONTENT IN MY NEWSLETTER ON SUBSTACK
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST– Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship
Latest posts by Nina Badzin (see all)
- Overtalking, Undertalking, and Lessons for Friendships in the Art of Storytelling - April 30, 2024
- Dear Nina in The Wall Street Journal - April 27, 2024
- 5 Friendship Issues to Consider Addressing with a Therapist - April 17, 2024
- Subtle Friendship Slights and Changing Your Instagram Handle - April 10, 2024
33 Responses
Great article I completely agree!! When I first moved to mpls everyone texted me. There was one new friend who always called our relationship formed much faster.
I’m sure it did! (I did at least always text quickly though, right?) I know I need to reform my texting habits. 🙁
I was dragged into the text friendship world kicking and screaming. I hate it. I text for plans And if I think of something funny to share and I know that person is at work ( or it’s night and too late to call). I’m old fashioned. I guess. Sometimes I won’t answer texts, just so the person has to call me😈. But I M resigned that some only wAnt to text and that’s telling.
I feel guilty because I have dragged some reluctant friends down the texting black hole. It’s definitely time to admit they were right. Phone is king.
I think your mom is onto something, Nina. My mom reports very similar experiences. Texting is okay for a quick “hello, I’m thinking about you,” but I think it doesn’t deepen or add to the friendship. It gives a false sense of intimacy. A five-minute phone call would make me feel more connected than a dozen texts.
Jackie Cangro recently posted..Authorial Intrusion: Attending a Writing Workshop (Part 1)
Yep! Well said on 5 minutes vs a dozen a texts.
I suppose so! Or the friends I see. Maybe we’ll text but only to meet up. Not just to text. I spoke with a friend on the phone yesterday for two hours! That was quite lovely but my kids were so confused. And I was thinking, Well I’ve been doing this for years!” I guess I haven’t after all. I used to do it for years.
Yep! I’d I’ll have to train my kids to see the phone on my ear. 😉
Yes! I don’t count texting as talking like my kids do (“I already talked to you today mom!” “No, honey, we didn’t talk we texted!” 🙂 I am good with texting for logistical purposes but not to have a real conversation. I am too slow of a texter and too long of a talker to make that work! The best is when you leave the voice memo texts, Nina! Those make me smile every time!
Oh good! Glad you like those. It’s been a newer experiment.
I prefer calls, but that doesn’t seem to be the direction most of my friendships are going. Most people I know — even nearby — prefer text or FB chat. I don’t mind necessarily but it seems less personal. Plus I really think it helps to hear the way someone says something, not just read the words. It sometimes can lead to misunderstandings. On the other hand, texting leads to many more conversations w my (young adult) kids and I love that!!
Julia Munroe Martin recently posted..Writing as a Lifeline
There are for sure misunderstandings in the written word. Tone is everything!
Yes, absolutely. For me, the quality of the interaction goes: in person, in video (Skype or Facetime), voice only (phone calls or Voxer), hand-written letters, emails/longer digital messages, then short digital like texting or Twitter. Even with my friends who are for-forever and/or in constant contact online, seeing someone in person or at least hearing their voice leaves me feeling connected and refreshed in a way that the others simply don’t. I think it’s so important to make time for that.
Annie Neugebauer recently posted..My First LitReactor Column: Vampires in Wuthering Heights
I love that hierarchy. We should make an infographic.
As a grandma of 8 I can only say texting is the best thing that has ever been invented! I know that when my grandkids grow up and are away at college or careers the only way they’ll want to communicate with me is via text. As far as arranging lunch dates, meetings, or pretty much anything, I put the telephone right up there with the homing pidgeon and the pony express. Conversations are great in person but for me give me a keyboard every time …😃
I love the perspective, Linda! As a writer, I for sure feel very comfortable communicating via texts and emails and lean that way. But I still have to admit it’s come at a bit of a cost. I can see how it will help with the kids later though! Meanwhile, I’m trying to help my oldest (12) understand some of the ins and outs of communicating via the written word. There are so many social nuances that are not easy to teach. It’s been interesting! (And he’s only been texting since he got back from Herzl and I realized he was THE LAST person to get permission . . . or it seems that way.)
There are a few phone numbers that light up face when I see then on my caller I.D. and I answer their calls immediately. They’re the numbers of my six sisters and a couple close friends with whom I go way back. Many others, most, quite honestly, I let go to voicemail first. I tend to want to know what they’re calling about before I invest time in a phone conversation. Or maybe I just don’t want to be put on the spot. I want a chance to think about their question or whatever before I have to respond. Isn’t that awful? Yes, I absolutely feel closer to those with whom I talk regularly on the phone. They’re the ones I trust won’t put me on the spot or judge me if I have to say no. The others I prefer to text with, not without some guilt about it, though.
Julie Jo Severon recently posted..Widening Ripples
With six sisters you definitely do not have time to be taking a lot of friends’ calls!
I’d much rather talk on the phone- I usually have so much to say that texting won’t cut it. It’s great fo a quick check-in or to nail down a time we are both free to talk, but for my close friends? Only a chat will do.
I’m starting to walk and talk more to deal with the fact that talking takes so much time. It’s like my own episode of West Wing!
My phone calls tend to be long and deep so I pick up the phone carefully. If I’m working or involved in a task, I let the phone go and call them back when I can focus or when I know I can give it enough time. I also need to have the proper energy ready for a phone call – as an introvertish person, texting saves me when I don’t have enough gas in the tank. If I have something short to share, I definitely text it so I have a more predictable time commitment. Texting is huge for me. But I definitely don’t rely on it to maintain my relationships.
I get that point of view! It’s really the same as mine. I’m kind of trying to force myself to pick up the phone again. But it’s hard!
I completely agree that I feel closer to friends after we have talked on the phone. But at the same time, in all honesty, I hate it! I have never been great at keeping in touch via the phone so when texting sprung to popularity, it felt like it was made for me. It’s not to say I never chat on the phone because I do (and I am usually glad I did once the call is over — it’s kind of like exercise). But I feel like all my friends and I do is trade voice mails because our schedules never line up and eventually it’s easier to fall back on email or text. But I have no doubt it takes a toll on our friendships.
Oh I totally agree. And if phone talking skills are like muscles, I’m trying to make sure mine don’t atrophy.
Completely agree! Texting should be for quick arrangement, coordinating plans, or other miscellaneous odds and ends. When I call a friend, I want to hear about your life, laugh wth you, get advice, and/or find out what is going on with your family. The biggest problem is finding time!! I find that I have to text to arrange a time to talk b/c they have little ones or we have baseball games…the list goes on and on. But the effort is worth it!
Hallie recently posted..My Reveal of Two Truths and A Lie
Yep! I have for sure had to text to arrange phone talking times.
Thanks for bringing up this issue. Texting vs. calling has put a strain on my relationship with my best friend. It’s partly because the “writer” me, not the real, fumbling-for-words me, comes across in texting. Phone calls, on the other hand, are all about true interaction, give-and-take, and faux pas that we can laugh about later.
I totally get that. The ease becomes easy to rely on and it becomes harder and harder to make phone time.
I am guilty of too often texting when I should call. I’m trying to get better about calling to “catch up” especially with friends and family who don’t live near enough to meet for coffee. But texting and emailing certainly do facilitate plan-making.
Mo recently posted..Joy To My World – “Who I Am” Chapter 8
You know I’m right there with you!
I too got dragged into texting kicking and screaming. I only got FB messenger about a week ago. I’m somewhere in between you and your mom. I miss phone calls sometimes, but the expediency of texts help with life’s rote chores and quick check-ins. Great topic Nina!
Kicking and screaming a couple years ago. Now I couldn’t live without it…
I’m surprised you’re new to messenger! I could have sworn we have chatted that way.