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Today’s friendship question applies to any situation in which a friend/acquaintance asks for a favor that seems like an overreach. Most of us have been on both sides of the script issue whether it’s about asking for favors or something else. We have certain hopes about what someone will say or do. OR, we know we’ve let someone down and wish they had told us what their hopes were from the get go. We might have been happy to oblige. Or maybe we wouldn’t have been happy to oblige (we’re entitled to our opinions), but we would like the chance to discuss it.
Dear Nina,
I have an author friend from social media, mostly through Twitter, whose book is coming out in 2021. We’ve been friendly over the years online, sharing Twitter banter and commiseration about the slow writing and publishing world. We comment on each other’s Instagram posts and get along well in the online space. She’s been ahead of me in her career for several years since she got an agent then an actual publishing deal for a book, but she still treats me like a peer in every way, which I’ve always appreciated.
Well, in every way but one. I’ve had work published—shorter work in lit mags—she’s never read any of it that I’m aware of. Or if she has, maybe she hasn’t liked it and didn’t want to say so? She responds to things I mention about politics, pop culture, or every day life stuff, but she never shares anything about my published work, not even a retweet, which wouldn’t require any words of her own to add.
Now that she has a book coming out, she has added me (without my permission) to her Facebook book launch group. I receive group emails about when we should all finish our electronic galleys, post reviews on Amazon and Goodreads on the release date, mark the book as “want to read” ahead of time on Goodreads, and Tweet about it and so on.
It all feels forced, and I can’t help feeling bitter that she can’t take fifteen minutes to read a short story of mine, but I’m supposed to read her entire book on my laptop and promote the book on her exact schedule?
Do I ignore the emails and Facebook group posts? If I’m going to ignore it, do I explain why? Or do I suck it up and be the bigger person and read the book and promote it on her timetable? And what if I don’t like the book???
Thanks,
Confused about what I owe this online friend
Dear Confused about what I owe this online friend,
First, some quick advice for authors or anyone selling anything–DO NOT put your friends and acquaintances in your launch groups and mass email lists without their permission.
Now onto your question, which puts a pit in my stomach because I’ve been in your position. I’ve been added to those launch groups and mass emails. It’s not that I don’t want to help an author friend. Of course I do! But doing it on an exact schedule can feel forced. And I don’t want to be added without being asked. There’s also the issue that I like my own blog readers to be able to trust my recommendations and not feel like everything is a favor for a friend.
That might be my own specific twist on the issue you’re discussing, but my point is, I relate to what you’re saying here. It does feel like a lot to ask someone to read 250+ plus pages when they haven’t read 5-10 of yours. But there isn’t one right answer because each online acquaintanceship has its own flavor and history.
I’m torn on what to tell you to do.
But I have to give your Twitter buddy credit somewhere and require you to dig deep on one part of this. Your friend asked you directly for a favor. Have you ever asked her directly? It’s possible that if you had asked, she would have been delighted to help. Sure in theory it would be nice if she had shared something of yours on her own, but maybe she juggles TONS of online friends. Who really knows?
Also, it’s well documented that asking for favors actually makes the person doing the favor feel closer to the asker. It’s not so bad to ask for help! Not at all! In fact, the favor sometimes precedes the deeper friendship that comes later.
Another issue this brings up is the concept of “scripts.” I think we get into troubled waters in ALL kinds of relationships when we silently hope someone will follow the script we’ve set out for them, a script they don’t even know exists, then feel angry or heartbroken when our expectations aren’t met. If you write a certain Tweet hoping a certain person will retweet it, that feels like a disappointment waiting to happen. You’re relying on so much chance and algorithm magic that she will see it, click on it, then do something with it like share it. Social media is way too oversaturated for that.
Bottom line: Scripts are for movies and TV, not for real life.
Since you’re feeling put upon with her requests, I’d suggest sending her an email like the one below so the resentment doesn’t grow. Basically you can either send something like this, or ignore the requests, or suck it up and do what she asks. There isn’t one right answer, I’m just providing the email idea since it’s one avenue you didn’t already mention yourself in your question.
Hi ________,
I’m so excited to read your book! And I have to be honest about something. You’ve taught me a lot about how to ask others for favors in this world where so much creative work will get lost in the shuffle. I’m of course going to read your book no matter what. It would also mean a lot to me if you took a look at (choose ONE of your stories or whatever it is you’d like her to read) and let me know your thoughts.
Sign off in a friendly way, then read her book when it works for you. You can always Tweet about its release even if you haven’t finished reading it. I’m sure she’d appreciate any level of support, even if its not all the various boxes she hopes you’ll check off. As for what to do if you don’t like it—definitely do not publicly leave it a bad review. You don’t have to rave about it, but the least an online friend can do is not publicly say something negative about it.
Let me know what you decide to do if you can!
Nina
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