How do you handle it when your good friend’s kid is excluding your kid? This month’s letter for advice really touched me. It involves neighborhood groups, Covid pods, and more. I did something different with my answer this time. I shared the entire conversation that my longtime best friend, Taryn, and I had about the letter, and then of course shared my mom’s, advice as well. Not everyone will agree with our conclusions. I’m sure the letter writer would find it helpful to hear other points of view, too.
Dear Nina,
The short of it is: I have a new-ish friend in my life (2 years), we’ve hit a snag, and I’m having a hard time getting over this hump.
The long of it is this: The friendship we had was a truly good one. We live in the same neighborhood and we quickly found an ease where we could both laugh and real-talk about the good, gritty stuff. Our husbands hung out/got along and our kids, while different ages, had fun together. Lunch dates, wine + sweats nights, date nights, family dinners, a vacation.
And then, Covid came along.
For the first few months of lockdown, we commiserated on the craziness of it all, shared our worries/anxieties about Covid, FaceTimed a couple times a week, and texted a lot. Our kids who are closest in age had the same friends in our neighborhood, and when the weather warmed, they’d go for (distanced) bike rides.
We never talked about our two families opening up more (such as going into each other’s houses + not distancing with each other). But I’ll admit that I did think that if we were to create a pod, we’d be each other’s.
Until one day late last spring (May), I looked up from my deck into her backyard and heard + saw a whole slew of kids playing and not distancing. I assumed she’d talk to me about changes she’d decided to make, so I gave her the space to do so, but she never did bring it up.
That was a hard time, when anxieties were high. I still rested on the strength of our friendship and assumed it would all get cleared up in time. I pulled away a little bit to give us both space as we can both be hot headed, but we still texted almost daily.
A couple weeks later we did talk about it, both over text and in person. We were both honest — she knows that I thought if we were to pod with anyone it would be each other and I know that she, well, didn’t think that.
From there, we actually didn’t reach out to each other at all for about two months. We had left on just fine terms and seemed ok with each other, but neither one of us reached out to the other.
At around the same time, the group of kids that had been bike riding together outside (and had spent almost everyday together the summer before) stopped inviting my child to join, and instead spent their time together all on the trampoline in my friend’s yard.
She reached out to me in August while her family was out of town. We texted a bit and we got together when school started (September) and talked super openly about all of the above.
She said she’d like to go back to being “besties” (her words), and in all fairness, she’s being kind and a good friend — texting, asking to go on walks, etc.
And when we’re together, it’s really easy to fall into our old ease. But I get stuck on the fact that she didn’t want our families to pod and, most importantly, that during this crazy, uneasy time, she was ok with my kid suddenly being excluded from their group of friends. And even once we talked about this, she didn’t do anything to fix it.
She, of course, owes me/us nothing, but this situation made me view our friendship differently. And now, every time I see that group of kids, I’m reminded of the whole thing again and I can’t get myself past it.
So we’re in this weird space where I’m trying to create a new friendship that’s lighter and not as close as before. But it feels forced, and sometimes unkind, where I’m slower to respond to texts, not as available to get together for walks, etc.
I’m not 100% sure what I’m asking for here — maybe your thoughts on when to let go of past “stuff” and move forward, if that’s the right move here, and if yes, how to do so.
Thank you for listening and for your advice.
Signed, Asking When to Move Forward
Dear Asking When to Move Forward,
I sent your question to my longtime best friend, Taryn, who I often quote on this site. Taryn is highly reasonable and sees things I might have missed, which she regularly does for my dilemmas.
When I want to quote Taryn, she sends me a few sentences and that’s all I need to round out my thoughts. For your letter, however, we spent an hour on the phone, and I took notes because I realized it might help you and other readers to see the way we thought through your story together. Not everyone will agree with our conclusions, but our conversation will make it clear how we got there.
We both feel for you and your pain because it’s AWFUL when your kid is excluded. We’ve been there. But we also empathized with “Lydia.” (I named her “Lydia” to avoid too many pronouns.) We don’t see how Lydia could have realistically (and successfully for your child in the long run) “fixed” the situation, to use your word.
So here goes—I present the gist of our chat with the “likes” and “ums” and kid interruptions and the many other side tangents edited out. In the end, I will also tell you what my always-wise mother had to say!
TARYN: After reading this, I’m thinking, Covid has brought out a lot of bad relationship behavior. And it’s not personal. We’re all exhausted.
NINA: Aren’t most of us hanging on by a thread?
Taryn: For sure. And I’m thinking whatever Lydia’s reasons for not wanting to confine the family to one pod—that was a valid reaction. A pod is a big commitment.
Nina: And not the way everyone wants to get through this year.
Taryn: As for distancing more or opening up more, sometimes we say yes on Monday and no on Thursday. And we have these assumptions about how people are doing Covid. Maybe Lydia was worried about the letter writer’s rules and didn’t want to put the other kid in a bad situation. Or be judged for her choices.
Nina: I was wondering about that too—about the different rules in each house. And yes Lydia could have been more upfront about changing the distancing rules. But they weren’t actually in a pod, which the letter writer fully acknowledges. I think we can move beyond the pod issue. The part about Lydia’s kid not including the letter writer’s kid . . . I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
Taryn: So hard.
Nina: I obviously understand why the letter writer is upset. You know I’ve been there at various times with various kids. And I’ve been disappointed in other parents. But in hindsight, I expected something I now see isn’t reasonable once the kids reach a certain age. You and I have probably spent weeks on this exact thing. Thanks for that by the way. Those were some long talks!
Taryn: You’re welcome! How old do we think these kids are?
Nina: She said bike rides in the area. Maybe 8-11ish? Anyway, I’m thinking about times I’ve been upset that other moms didn’t help out my kid more. But reading this letter, I’m seeing how that would have kept my kids from making friends with people who really wanted to be friends with them. It felt terrible at the time, but while I was reading the letter I found myself sympathetic towards Lydia. I’ve been on her side too at this point. It’s an impossible situation. You cannot force a friendship.
Taryn: Yep. Ideal world with family friends and neighbors—the kids like each other. Obviously you teach your kid to be inclusive, but there’s a limit. For all we know, Lydia had been making her kid include the letter writer’s kid the whole summer before.
Nina: Right! Listen, you can demand that your kid act welcoming when you have your friend and her family over whether your kid likes the other kid or not. That’s kindness and manners and all the things we want them to learn. But I think expecting your kid to invite your friend’s kid for ongoing hangouts is asking a lot as they get older. I hate the sound of the letter writer’s kid being repeatedly excluded, but what could Lydia have done to fix it other than continually forcing a friendship that clearly wasn’t working for her kid.
Taryn: There’s a limit to how much the parents can and should pull the strings.
Nina: Exactly. You teach your kids to give new people a chance. To let people in the circle and not be so closed off. I cannot stand when a kid (or an adult!) won’t even try. But once kids have a lot of experiences together, don’t they get a say in who they hang out with on a regular basis? I’m not talking about things like an invitation to a birthday party or occasional things. I mean with these ongoing hangouts. Trust me, I’m sure Lydia would have preferred that her kid really liked the letter writer’s kid. Would have been so much easier.
Taryn: I always say, the only thing we can control is how WE interact in a situation. So, the letter writer had the option to reach out and say, “Is there something I can do to coach my kid to get along with the neighborhood crew?” Would she really want the answer to that though? It’s an option to ask, but it’s not what I would do. I would take a hard look at my kid and think about who my kid gets along with. The truth is, it’s not always something the kid is doing or even something that needs to change.
Nina: Exactly. The chemistry isn’t always there. True for adults, too. There isn’t always a good reason. Or maybe there’s a reason this neighborhood group has in mind, but it doesn’t mean the kid needs to change. It means the letter writer’s kid needs to find friends who are a better match. It would have been nice if those good matches lived down the street, but that doesn’t always work out.
Taryn: As a parent, it’s our job to encourage our kids to be in the right friend group for them, not the right friend group for us. If the neighborhood kids are sending a message through the lack of invitations that the kid isn’t fitting in, as a parent, you recognize the message and help the kid make new connections. But it’s not necessary to totally burn a bridge. Kids have off years and on years. These kids might work it out as they get older.
All you can do is teach your kid how to be a good friend, but also to be resilient and accept that not everyone wants to be as close as you might hope. Throughout life we have friends who are more into us or less into us—you want to raise a person who can recognize what it feels like to be in a reciprocal friendship.
Nina: Yes! Exactly! This is why I called you. I’m putting that in a quote box.
Taryn: Okay, so, Lydia reached out to talk things through. They sort of worked it out.
Nina: Sounds like the letter writer is being distant out of self-protection, but she misses the original friendship. Maybe after reading our conversation, she’ll look at this whole thing another way? She wants a more authentic friendship with Lydia again, but she’s not sure if she can manage that or if she should even move forward. What do you think she should do?
Taryn: This is not the time to close herself off. It’s not necessary to hold a grudge. We’re all holding on for dear life in 2020. I think it’s time she turns the page.
Nina: That’s always my favorite advice of yours. “Turn the page.”
Taryn: Ha, good. Well, my favorite one of yours is to give the benefit of the doubt. I think the letter writer should assume that Lydia would have preferred her kid wanted to be close, and she probably struggled with how to handle the situation. Maybe she could have done a better job, but could Lydia really have fixed it?
Nina: I keep coming back to that.
Taryn: It’s not worth losing a friend.
Nina: Maybe this friendship needs to shift away from a family friendship. She didn’t say what came of the husbands’ friendship. Maybe for now, she should focus on her and Lydia taking walks and texting and keep the kids and husbands out of it. That’s what I would do!
Taryn: That’s good advice.
Nina: You helped me get there! I want to add that my mom had this to say after another long conversation:
“Your letter writer needs to make a decision about whether she wants to be friends with Lydia even if the kids aren’t friends anymore. And if the answer is yes, she needs to express that to Lydia. She should name the elephant in the room and say, ‘Let’s be friends even if the kids aren’t getting together.’”
Taryn: Yep, I completely agree with Kathy. And then she needs to turn the page!
So, Asking When to Move Forward—Taryn, and my mom, and I decided the time to move forward is now. There’s no guarantee this friendship will succeed, but we think Lydia deserves a chance. And we’re rooting for your child to find friends who are excited about all the hanging out they’re going to do socially-distanced-style for now and the future versions of hanging out they’ll look forward to later.
Thanks for writing to me. I think your question will help other readers a lot. I needed a hard dose of this advice myself a few key times in the past decade.
Warmly, Nina (and Taryn and Kathy!)
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Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
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