Friendship in the Age of Loneliness: An Optimist’s Guide To Connection
My reviews of books about friendship are growing! This week’s entry is Adam Smiley Poswolsky’s advice book Friendship in the Age of Loneliness: An Optimist’s Guide to Connection (Running Press, 2021). After writing about friendship since 2014 and podcasting about friendship this past year, I have read way more friendship books than are on my list. I only recently decided to keep better track.
Practical Advice
I’m calling Poswolky’s work here an “advice book” because it’s less memoir and more practical tips, which in this case I really appreciate. I’ve read some friendship-themed books that spend so many chapters proving why friendship is important with tons of research, and frankly, boring statistics. I can’t imagine there are any readers out there who need convincing about why we should make time for friends. We all know friendship matters. We know loneliness is an issue. What can we DO about it? That’s where Poswolsky comes in with a book full of practical actions to take.
Six Useful Parts
Friendship in the Age of Loneliness is organized into six parts: Be more playful; Be a better friend; Invest in friendship; Stay in touch; Embrace ritual; Be a minister for loneliness in your community. Each chapter within the sections are very short with an actionable idea of some kind of often times personal examples from Poswolsky and from people he has met or knows well. The structure works well and you can read this book in a few sittings.
A Moment of Brene Brown and David Whyte
One of my favorite quotes in the book is one Poswolsky shared from Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness.
“Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong, because you will always find it. . . Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people. We carry those inside of our hearts.”
Another was from poet David Whyte in a short section about repairing broken friendships:
“Without tolerance and mercy all friendships die.”
Exposure
One of my favorite points Poswolsky makes in the book is about “exposure.” This speaks to the goal of not just meeting new people, but actually connecting and making friends, not only acquaintances. He suggests something I talk about often on the podcast and have suggested in my advice column, be the initiator. Be the one to organize regular outings, groups, and activities that interest you. You’ll attract others and get to know people better over repeated times together.
A Creative Container
Truly, Poswolky’s book has more tips than I could share here. I loved his methods for using social media better. He was realistic about it being part of our lives. Also, his idea to “swim in a creative container” is something I’ve seen close up in my own life. I lead writing groups at ModernWell in Minneapolis, a co-working space. When Julie Burton and I created these groups, we assumed people would come for a semester and move on. We’ve had lots of members who’ve been with us since 2015. We had to open a second a group, and now that one has people who started in 2017 and haven’t stopped. They didn’t come to make friends. They came to feel supported in their writing. But they most definitely made friends.
Friendship Rituals
The section on rituals is especially important and useful. A book club could be a ritual (every fourth Wednesday– that sort of thing). Poswolsky shares many more ideas than the usual. Billy Baker found this concept really important too in his memoir, We Need To Hang Out.
Changing Your Mindset
The overall message of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness is that we can take more control over how we spend our time, how and when we reach out, and how we make people feel.
A few favorite words from Poswolsky, who friends call Smiley:
“You can celebrate the simple yet revolutionary act of getting your dopamine from spending more time with your friends.”
“You can make human connection the true currency of life.”
“Remember: you have to decide what kind of friend you want to be.”
ASK ME AN ANONYMOUS FRIENDSHIP ADVICE QUESTION ANY TIME!
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ALL THE FRIENDSHIP TOPICS I’VE ALREADY COVERED SINCE 2014 ARE HERE.
*Links are affiliate links to Amazon, which means if you end up ordering a book through my site, I might earn something like .30 cents at no cost to you.
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